I didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this....

tiara

So that's where I seem to have gone wrong.....

Kate1983

Hi tiara, just read this thread and wanted to say that I'm really sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you so early on in your marriage.
I do believe that marriage should be a partnership but also that it takes hard work and and an understanding that no one is perfect!
I honestly think that your finances as a couple should be joint finances as it's a part of sharing every aspect of your lives with each other. So I think that you should go through all your finances with your husband but also tell him how you are feeling with regards to them at the moment eg. angry, unsupported, unequal.
Coming to a joint arrangement and drawing up a budget together would be the best solution. That could still involve you handling the finances, as long as you both know where you stand.
I really hope you are able to sort this out.
And remember, people always say the first year of a marriage is the most challenging. If you can solve problems now, it will just get easier in future!!
Kate
x

lynzpower

The difficulty im seeing here tiara, and do forgive me, if it sounds out of line, but Im wondering to what extent you need to be "working yourself into an early grave"

Just using my own personal experience really, I work full time on a fairly modest salary ( 25 in london) and since Ive cleared my debt and frugal living means last month I managed to save 750. this month, its looking more like 650. Now much as I love to be *queen in the counting house cvounting out my money* I dont NEED to save this much. To be honest, Ive never had savings before so anything is better than nothing. So, for example if I saw a job I wanted that paid less, I would consider taking it, as I clearly dont NEED the money Im paid right now.

Now I wonder whether there might be a bit of that for you. You say you are working into an early grave- but you have significant savings, so significant it would lead your OH to rest even further on the laurels. So you cant be putting just a few pence away here and there is my guess.

If you are not happy with the arrangement FOR YOU- you do sound like you are working really really hard- could you consider earning less? and take another job that isnt so "responsible" as it seems to me like the responsibility is all on you- or you certainly feel that it is?

Just my 2p xx

margaretclare

tiara wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your kind words. As I said in the title.... I really didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this, one person gives and the other person takes.

No, it absolutely is not - and I'm in my second (happy) marriage. The first lasted 35 years until he died. I remarried in 2002.

Marriage is between two people, it takes two to make it successful, one person cannot do it alone.

If you believe in the vows you made on your wedding day, yes, you do stick with it through thick and thin - or at least, that's the ideal we all try to live up to, I don't know what's 'cultural' about that. It's present in all societies that believe in marriage, and the last time I looked, our society still does believe in marriage.

My DH believes very strongly that Trust and Respect form the bedrock of a successful relationship. 'Love is a bonus' is what he says.

My belief is that both parties to a marriage have to put in 110%, as the footballers say. Both!! Not just one. I also believe in communication. More marriages fail through lack of communication than through any other factor. Whatever the problems that life throws at you, you can overcome them together, but only if you talk to each other and work together. You can't go on each of you living in your own little bubble. That's not what marriage is all about.

Just a few thoughts.

Margaret

Loretta

Some people on here have said about joint finances, there are no joint finances, she is earning and paying everything and he appears to be on his holidays!

Him only doing the renovations when you are there - how silly!

As there is only the 2 of you this nonsense about him doing the cooking, ironing and cleaning is ridiculous, how long does that take? Most women with children who are working full time do this in minutes so that they can spend time with their children, run them around etc. In this day and age with all the gadgets there is no hard graft involved. I have always worked full time with 3 children right from when they were newborn and as long as we all eat well, I always cooked from scratch and they had clean clothes the rest got done as and when, who cares about dusty skirtings, because we had things to do, a life to lead, we wanted to go out and about,there are not enough hours in the day to hve a spotless house as well. My children now grown up have been everywhere and can remember all the days out and holidays and experiences. None of them have ever said 'Mum I wish you had ironed our sheets'!! Him being a househusband when you do not have children is a cop out and you have the added problem that his parents are colluding with him and encourging him. If you are in company and they go on about him working perhaps you could ask them what job he does. being a good parent is about bringing up your children to be self supporting and not taking advantage of other people, your in laws seem to have failed miserably with this.

Think about 5 years down the line, you could have 2 children and still be doing everything, and you really would be worn out then, a friend of mine once said 'I have 4 children unfortunately one of them is 42!' once she had realised that she was gone within the year

These are early days in your marriage, you are not yet too involved with children, jont money etc. Give yourself say 6 months for him to grow up and be an adult, tell him he has a time limit to sort out a job,he can study but still do a part time job, start paying HIS expenses or he can go back to mummy and daddy and let them keep him, don't let this situation drag on for 30 years like I have when it becomes almost too much bother to change - but I will


As Margaret Clare says marriage is about respect and he does not seem to have any for you. You are young and hard working, if nothing has changed in 6 months put it down to experience, life is shorter than you think, and find yourself a grown up to marry - or don't bother, I love the post about the single girl!!!

I am not being horrible, I have reached an age when I have lived a life and made loads if mistakes and I would hate to see you waste yours making the same mistakes as me when hopefully some of us 'olduns' can pass on our experiences to help you, people don't change you know however much you want them to. Remember he has no incentive to change he is having a great lazy life!

foreign_correspondent

Ok, my advice is to stop working so hard, do not do any overtime for the time being.

Why are you working so hard to keep him in the style to which he has become accustomed? You are wearing yourself out for his benefit - no wonder you feel resentful, but you have choices in this too... what you are doing is not working, so do something different!!

Tell OH cash is a bit short so you will both have to be really careful. Suggest that he will have to do household shopping on a really tight budget. Get rid of Sky and any other luxuries, especially any that he particularly enjoys...does he have a mobile phone?? perhaps you shouls suggest this isnt really essential? (but be subtle! - "oh, look, this costs £20 a month, and we dont really need it, perhaps we should cancel it, that way at least we can eat"... "we cn alays get it again when our joint income is a bit higher" lol!)

Perhaps sit down with all the bills and work through them looking for any spare that can be cut...let him know that any non-essentials will have to be cancelled till you are both earning and better off... that way he might feel the pinch a bit and have some motivtion to work...

I mean would you want to work if you had the option of being lazy and still having all your comforts and luxuries? Cut out meals out and takeaways for a while too. I know this may make you feel deprived too, but think long-term gain!! Need is a great motivator!

I know that when I was in my early twenties and I was properly skint, the poverty pushed me to apply for jobs that I felt were 'beyond' me... I wouldnt have had th confidence to put myself forwards or them if I had another option. As it happens, I gritted my teeth, went for it and was often sucessful!

Loretta

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

Ok, my advice is to stop working so hard, do not do any overtime for the time being.

Why are you working so hard to keep him in the style to which he has become accustomed? You are wearing yourself out for his benefit - no wonder you feel resentful, but you have choices in this too... what you are doing is not working, so do something different!!

Tell OH cash is a bit short so you will both have to be really careful. Suggest that he will have to do household shopping on a really tight budget. Get rid of Sky and any other luxuries, especially any that he particularly enjoys...does he have a mobile phone?? perhaps you shouls suggest this isnt really essential? (but be subtle! - "oh, look, this costs £20 a month, and we dont really need it, perhaps we should cancel it, that way at least we can eat"... "we cn alays get it again when our joint income is a bit higher" lol!)

Perhaps sit down with all the bills and work through them looking for any spare that can be cut...let him know that any non-essentials will have to be cancelled till you are both earning and better off... that way he might feel the pinch a bit and have some motivtion to work...

I mean would you want to work if you had the option of being lazy and still having all your comforts and luxuries? Cut out meals out and takeaways for a while too. I know this may make you feel deprived too, but think long-term gain!! Need is a great motivator!

I know that when I was in my early twenties and I was properly skint, the poverty pushed me to apply for jobs that I felt were 'beyond' me... I wouldnt have had th confidence to put myself forwards or them if I had another option. As it happens, I gritted my teeth, went for it and was often sucessful!

I couldn't have put it better myself!

being out of work with no money worries, all the bills being paid for you, nice house, sky tv, my own mobile home, meals out to look forward to etc just liie one long holiday - lovely. Being out of work, no daytime tv, the heating off in the winter and being cold, no phone, no beer, nothing to look forward to, no outings, not treats, value brand food - not so good. Of course he is fighting to stay being a lazy git, it's human nature. He has to make the connection between earning money and eating etc at the moment the connection is not there.

The only thing I would not agree with is not working so much, keep on with the working, partly so that he is on his own more with no money, no comforts etc but you need your money and your savings for your escape route, whatever anyone says money is a great help when you have trouble