I didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this....

duchy

Why is the choice No holiday or take OH (who refuses to even contribute £150 in spending money) ? Go with a friend or take yourself off for a spa weekend.
I got some vouchers for a Champneys spa day-I added a little to them and made it a two day stay. It was the most wonderfully relaxing break I've ever had (and in MSE tradition there are plenty of offers around on the web if you have a good look). It was also very good "thinking time" for me
I think you need to be doing something for you for once otherwise you're going to get so frustrated and wound up that you might explode at OH and no matter how much he may deserve it I get the feeling that isn't what you want right now

jo1972

If you pay for him to go on holiday then he will not realise what a problem this all is for you. I'm afraid you do resent the situation he's putting you in otherwise you wouldn't have posted here for advice, so basically - and I'm not being rude here so please don't take it that way - it's either put up and shut up or work out a way to deal with it.

There is no way on earth that he is going to realise the way he is till someone tells him. This is purely from my own experience and knowing what my DH 'was' like.

Good luck, keep posting and keep us updated.

Edited to say, things could turn around just like that if you tell him how you feel. Men are generally not aware of women's feelings and emotions and it's only when you tell them or show them what's going on that they actually understand (apologies to any blokes reading this!!). All is not lost on him, maybe he just doesn't realise and maybe has become a little lazy as he's been unemployed for so long?

tiara

I'm really sorry to go on..... But I feel as though my OH is really ungrateful. He blames his debt on buying the house.... Despite the fact that we had budgeted for him being out of work (albeit I had no idea it was going to be 6 months) and it was me the one who had to borrow money so that we put in 50/50 deposit for the house. All in all, when we bought the house, my OH had +3K and I had -5K... Being married, am I wrong in seeing it as 'his' debt and 'my' debt or should it be 'our' debt?

How can I make him understand that I can't keep bailing him out and I he can't just keep taking me for granted?

I have agreed for him to do the PGCE as at least there is stability in his career later on.... I hope.

jo1972

I think rosieben gave some excellent advice. Write down your incomings and outgoings (I personally would leave out your savings), list everything, even down to newspapers, magazines, food etc. He needs to see in writing exactly how much it costs to run a household/relationship.

You need to make it clear to him that although you are the one in employment, you shouldn't bear the responsibility of all outgoings, unless he is making a defined effort to contribute in other ways.

For example, my dh was a stay at home dad for a few years and I had no problem with paying all the bills as I believed (and rightly so!) that his job was harder than mine!

If he want's to become a house-husband so that you are the only earner and have responsibility for the outgoings then he must run the house, cook, clean, do the chores etc so that he is working as well.

Like I say, just my opinion. But you are clearly not happy so this must be dealt with before serious resentment sets in, resentment can destroy a relationship. You've got a chance to change it now so work out what you need to say and say it.

ukbandit

you need to break out of the resentment, it wont do your marriage any good. as a blike i have to, sadly, agree with Jo1972's comments about blokes.

generally we are thick and dont see whats in front of our faces

you need to make the situation black and white for him. lay out the finances, incomings and outgoings.

clear up the scale of his lack of contribution by making it clear how the house purchase and plans were budgetted and how far from that you have had to move because of his intransigence.

regaring seperation of finances, unless you feel he is making a positive contribution, you should keep them seperate, otherwise you will never be comfortable. once hes working steadily, has paid of the debt he has incurred of his own free will, you can look into combining some of your finances, e.g. by setting up a joint holiday savings account etc.

if he is blaming the house for his debt, you need to look at his finances and see how true this is, and make it clear. e.g. is the debt because of the car/dad etc? i so make it black and white, without harsh evidence its all too easy to lie to yourself about what and why.

duchy

His debt is down to him not working.
There is a massive difference between been unemployed and just not finding a job that is appealing. He has a degree so he's hardly unemployable.
He really just needs to grow up a bit and stop expecting both you and his Dad to carry him financially and make him get out there. The PGCE is a really good step if he has a teaching vocation but not if he's only doing it because he doesn't know what else to do and it carries some financial payments. Are you likely to find in a year's time he's decided that he doesn't want to teach anyway ? The PGCE is a tough course-much harder than uni as you are working and studying at the same time (They may call it teaching practice but believe me it is HARD work !! )
There is only one way to "make him understand that I can't keep bailing him out and I he can't just keep taking me for granted?" and that is to stop doing it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh-it honestly isn't meant that way.....Have a hug too !

melancholly

just wanted to add that i hope your savings are in account that is in your name only! i would hope that the debt should yours as a couple, but then if it mainly coming from him, i can completely understand why you see it as mainly his!

i'd do a big spreadsheet of all incomings and outgoings..... if he's not working but pulling his weight around the house, then it might not be such a big deal - people contribute to relationships in different ways. if he's done lots of the renovations (hoepfully?!) then he was have contibuted to the value of the house.... i guess many women are often pay less towards the family pot, but they are still putting a lot of other things into the relationship that money can't really do..... if he does this, then perhaps you need to be a bit more leniant (but if he does nothing, i'll happily grap a pitch fork and form a lynching party! )

what is he using when he wants to do something like go to the pub or buy clothes? if he's using 'your' money for this, maybe the way to get him to focus the mind on the money situation is to stop giving him that money.....

tiara

Thanks for all your comments. Whilst my OH was unemployed he said he had to concentrate on looking for a job and hence did no renovation in the house on his own.... It was all done in the evenings or weekends, when I was about.... I can't tell you how hard those first six months were...

As for making him realise the outgoings..... I would have to declare my incomings (currently he believes that they are just enough to pay for mortgage/bills/petrol and other bits and bobs we/I need.... I'm a firm believer in only buying things I can afford and can honestly say that I don't squander money). So, in order to sit down and go through the expenses, I would have to declare how much I manage to save every month.... and hence declare my savings. (Don't worry, they are in an account in my name!)

I feel at my wits end at the moment, for someone who's in their mid twenties I feel as though I have got a whole load of responsibility that I shouldn't have..... (I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself....) And, there's nothing I can do but ride it out....

moozikgal

What route PGCE is he doing? There are certian grants available for PGCE students, up to £3000 study allowance and also others available. He should look into it. If he does it part time as well, working in a school as a teaching assistant could be another way to bring in some income, even if its only for 1 or 2 days a week.

jo1972

Then maybe just list down your outgoings and ask him how he expects you to pay everything by yourself.

What does he do for pocket money?