I didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this....

jo1972

Well it seems to me that you are really not happy putting up with it so you have to talk to him. Could you maybe talk to his dad or do you think this would upset your OH if he found out?

Just editting to say don't you dare feel guilty about the ability to save money cos I guarantee you that at least 80% of the board members on this site would love to be able to do that!!

fruityslh

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, marriage isn't easy. It takes work and from both involved parties.

Take a couple of days off work with your husband and instead of doing things that involve money, go for a picnic or a long walk or bike ride or something you like doing to gether and try to remember just why you decided he was the one you wanted to marry, do not think about the debt and problems, or let him mention them, just try to have some fun.

You are full of resentment from the testing time you have experienced in your first year and you need to tell your husband that, but in a calm manner, from experience men hate being nagged and after a couple of fun days together you'll both be in a better mood hopefully, from one of your posts your husband sounds worried about debts, so on your last day off, leave an afternoon spare to

Draw up an action plan for your future together, little baby steps, maybe just for 6 or 12 months, this will include his PCGE, paying off the debts, who pays for what or if you're going to go joint etc, make him feel invovled in decisions, men very easily get in to the mother child scenario with their wives because it's easy, explain you want a husband not a child.

You sound like a woman who has her head screwed on the right way, we all want champagne and roses, but life unfortunately isn't that kind.

My husband earned less than me when I met him, and he was in a dead end telesales job, his self esteem was not good and he was just coasting, didn't really have any ambition, he also had a lot of debt after a previous girlfriend took him for everything he had.

I too took on the money side of things and he buried his head in the sand, but even though I knew he wasn't particulalry interested I went through our incoming and outgoings with him (still do about every 6 months). I also encouraged him to look for another job, we used to sit and go through the sit vac every Thursday night together, I'd then help him with his CV and letter and he got a couple of interviews and eventually a job, one which he actually loved but would never have applied for if I hadn't encouraged him to. He now earns £10K more than me, has a job he loves and more importantly ambition, but he still couldn't tell you how much the council tax bill is or even the mortgage, but he does give me all his salary and I then give him back a small allowance every month to spend on whatever he wants, I even convinced him to set up his own savings account and he has a SO go out every month.

It has been a slow process (we've been together 9 years and married for 5, he even supported me for a while when I was out of work) with the first few years being the worst, but by being a unit and working together and most of all communicating in a calm and rational manner we are now in a fantastic position financially, and also our relationship is great, because we rarely argue about money.

Have faith in your husband and instead of resenting him, try and support him, who knows a few years from now, the situation could be reversed, don't fall at the first hurdle!!.

Good luck

daphne_descends

Finances don't have to be equal in a relationship, but contribution does. Soon my OH will pay the rent and the bills while I look after our baby, when he is born. But I can't imagine not knowing how much these things even cost, let alone not appreciating it, as I would expect MY contribution to be appreciated.

Did you live together before you were married at all?

I think a bit of a reality check is in order - would you consider showing him what you have written here?

3plus1

Can I ask, are you comfortable being the breadwinner? I've re-read your posts a few times now, and I can't help but wonder if there's a little girl inside of you wanting a big strong man to look after her emotionally AND financially. It's not wrong of you if you do feel a bit like that deep down, but it would mean that you would have a particular issue you would need to deal with. I could be completely wrong, but I thought I'd throw that out there to consider.

Seeing as you have no dependents, I think it's unreasonable that your husband spent 14 months doing nothing. I appreciate how hard it is to find a job, and I know how time consuming applications and interviews can be. But taking on a part time NMW job that brought in say, £60 a week, would have been better than nothing. Not because the £60 would have made a dent in your joint bills, but because it would have shown that he wanted to contribute to the marriage and that he was making an effort. I do think you have grounds to be !!!!ed off that he didn't, but the point is, he's temping at the moment and making an effort now. So I think you have to let go of the resentment. It's a shame it took you both 14 months for your husband to stick his neck out, but arguing about it won't erase the past 14 months. I think draw a line under that and move on, really.

What does your husband do around the house?

My OH and I are not living together at the moment because of me relocating to get a decent job, and him finishing off a postgraduate course. But when we finally live together again, I would have no objections to being the one to go out and earn a living because he fixes everything, he cooks, he cleans... He pulls his weight, in a nutshell, and I think you sound fed up that your husband isn't pulling his weight the way you think he should.

Money isn't everything in a relationship. But if your husband isn't bringing that to the relationship, what is he bringing? If he's pulling his weight around the house and helping with the renovation work, I think you need to let go of the resentment that you are essentially funding his lifestyle. There are different ways to contribute to a relationship - all of them are equally valid. If your husband isn't in fact doing anything apart from the odd temping assignment, you need to sit down with him and point out how unfair and unbalanced the situation is, and talk about finding a compromise so that you both feel as if the other one is really pulling their weight.

Your husband starting a PGCE is a major decision for the both of you. Did you really talk it through when he was applying for courses? Seeing as you're married and you're earning a decent wage, it's not unreasonable of you to have to support him during the course on the understanding that it will eventually lead to a good job, so that he too can contribute financially to your relationship, but you have to be comfortable with that decision and committed to it.

I think the secrecy about how much you're earning is a problem. It's still early days in your marriage, but at some point, he is going to have to find out exactly how much it is you're worth.

In a marriage, I do think each spouse should have their own individual bank account. If for nothing else, it's terribly unromantic when one of you can check the statements and see where your birthday present has been bought from and how much it cost!! But I do think a joint bank account is important - and I do think you should be upfront about savings, debts, take home salary... all of that. I think if there's something holding you back from being completely honest with your spouse, you need to think long and hard about why that is, and you probably have a long journey ahead of you.

Good luck.

snowmaid

My sympathies to you. But I feel your DH needs a good kick up the butt.

What has happened to people's, especially men's, self respect? My DH, with all his faults :rolleyes: , would hold 2/3 jobs if necessary, to provide for his family. He says so long as he is capable, he will not lose his pride by sitting on his butt and sponging off of me. When we first got together, he was an apprentice and I earned more. We pool all our income. He is now earning more than me and we still pool our money.

I think that a lot of people are pampered and it is always 'oh shame, he/she is depressed, their father died 10/20 years ago' etc. For goodness sake!! :mad:

I think your DH needs to wake up, start being responsible and stop expecting everyone to look after him. Good luck!

Mrs._Irwin

I agree that he hasn't been fair to you, but are you being fair to him by keping things from him, effectively lying to him about the financial situation?

People tend to respond to the way you treat them, by acting that way.
Fess up, lay everything down, make it clear that you've got savings, they're in your name, and they're going to stay that way. Stop buying him things, and take a look over his CV, see if you can help him with the jobsearch. He needs to be supported emotionally, if not financially.

Mrs. Irwin

pinkshoes

Tiara, I don't think you should feel at all guilty about having savings, because you're working darn hard for that money, and you deserve it! Your husband is being utterly selfish and childish, and for anyone that WANTS a job, it certainly doesn't take 14 months to find one!! He really should learn some respect towards his hard working wife!!

A word of caution with the PGCE if it was your idea... he sounds quite similar to my mate's b/f, who went back to uni to do a masters (her suggestion), and since finishing it, is yet again unemployed, or just doing part time temping jobs with no structure or career in mind!

I thought wedding vows usually say "love, honour and obey..." or something along those lines, and 14 months sat on his backside doing nothing is hardly honouring you!!

You deserve a holiday, and a break from your husband, so you should take that hard earned cash and go away to a health spar for a long weekend, or even treat an equally hard working friend!! you OH should be left to fend for himself for a few days.

ps - i at least hope he's cooking all the meals, and doing all the washing, cleaning, ironing etc...! This is what my OH did when he spent a couple of months unemployed. (Job hunting took a couple of hours a day max, then the odd half day for interviews, leaving PLENTY of time for other stuff).

rosieben

I still cant really understand why - if he took 6 months off from work to renovate the house - he only worked in the evening when you were there to help?

and how often has his father baled him out?

think you oh has a lot of growing up to do......

and NO dont feel guilty about your savings. Tell him about them if you want, but stress that they are in your name and staying that way.

just reread your previous post - he owes money to friends too????

tiara

3plus1 - I don't have a problem with being the breadwinner, I just have a problem with being taken for granted. My husband was out of work for 6 months, it was not until 4 months into his unemployment that I intervened (I didn't do it before as I didn't want to dent his man-pride) and spent endless nights helping him with application forms, tailoring his CV for jobs and even doing mock interviews with him to boost his self confidence.... But he always fell at the first hurdle, the interviews.

And there was also his dad that I had to contend with. Our parents come from a strong culture whereby the man is the provider and the woman is the homemaker and his dad completely dismissed the fact that his son was unemployed and whenever asked what his son was doing, he would completely dismiss the situation.... And even offering money to help his son out of any financial situations, like his car. My husband thought that temping was 'beneath' him and certainly wouldn't be good enough for his dad. (My OH also thought temping was beneath him initially as he has a Masters degree).

My OH and I go 50/50 on household chores, cleaning, cooking etc etc and therefore I do not have any qualms there.

The decision for my OH to do a PGCE was something that we talked about extensively and I don't get me wrong, I am happy to support my OH, if only to see him have a stable career at the end of it.... I hope he doesn't go back to being unemployed, I'm putting a lot of trust into him.

I just feel as though I give a lot of supprt to my OH and I'm slowly running out of energy now.... Maybe it's my own fault for allowing him to have such a cushy life.

We both have separate personal accounts and a joint account. Our salaries go into our own accounts and we put money into the joint account for the mortgage only. All other bills come from my account.

I am just really tired.

rosieben

I really think the answer is to sit down with him and go through all the expenses you have. Ask him if he thinks he's being fair to you. Hopefully he will begin to take more responsilblity. If he doesnt then you have some hard thinking to do.

His father baling him out is really silly, its only keeping him in the mindset of a teenager, running to parents for help.

Good luck!