I didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this....

tiara

Hi,

I've been a lurker on these boards for a while and have finally decided to post.

My husband and I got married 18 months ago and we purchased a house nearer to where I worked, which meant that he left his work/life (when I say life.... He didn't really have much of a social circle where he was and wasn't happy with his job OR life) everything in order for us to be together. The first 6 months of our marriage we only saw each other at weekends and spent most of our time looking for houses. We finally found a house we fell in love with and moved in and were finally living together. The house needed quite a bit of work doing to it, so we immediately started renovating the downstairs. When we started renovating, my husband was at home and was looking for a job.... (well, he says he was looking.....)

With regards to mortgage and bills, as he was out of a job we decided that he only put in a few hundred a month and I would sort out all the bills and everything else. Before we got the house, we had budgeted for OH being out of work and renovations costs and so money was left aside for that.

6 months after moving into the house and renovations ongoing, OH was STILL out of work and his spare cash was running out and I was paying for 70% of the mortgage, plus bills, plus renovation, although renovation was put on hold. I began to think that OH had no real intention of finding a job and was quite happy living the life of luxury.... Whereas I was working at work and coming home and working at home, constantly working.

OH was struggling (as he had car payments which he couldn't meet and had leant 3K off his father) so I agreed to get a loan out of 6K for him.... To repay debt to his father and to carry on minimal payments towards the mortgage as well as his own expenses. That soon ran out too and 13 months into our marriage, OH was racking up debt, was out of work and I was doing everything.

Finally, after 14 months of marriage, OH started temping... Although, this was very sporadic and he wasn't constantly working.

OH is still only contributing minimal to the mortgage and his dad agreed to pay his car instalments for him. At this moment in time feel very cheated.... and very upset. I feel that OH just loves the life of luxury and makes no attempt to take the burden of financial issues off me. After having had the house almost a year, he has no idea of even how much council tax we pay!!!

I don't really know why I'm posting this message, I'm not looking for answers, I guess I just needed a rant...

Was it wrong of me to keep expecting my OH to pay something towards the mortgage (if only a little?) even though he was out of work? (Remember we had budgeted for him to be out of work.... At the time I didn't think it would stretch as far as 6 months!!!)

My OH is also starting a PGCE in September, which means he'll just be contributing the same as he always has.... Paying nothing towards bills or even the council tax.

Right now, I'm so ehausted that I really need a holiday. But that would mean that it would be me forking out for that too. I asked OH to put some money towards spends (£100-£150) and he refused. I feel as though I'm doing everything and he's doing nothing. Should I just go ahead and book the holiday (as I really do need it), or refuse to, on the basis that OH is happy to go on holiday, but not willing to contribute?

jo1972

Tiara, I can completely sympthaise with you here as I was in a similar situation. I ended up sitting him down and saying 'you know what, I'm not doing this anymore, either you start making an effort or I'm out of here'. That did the trick, I'd been a door mat for far too long.

Even with a terrible looking CV as he'd not worked for years and years he managed to get himself a good job which in turn gave him a bit of self respect/esteem and things are completely different.

I think people just get stuck in a rut and need to be shaken out of it imho.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do but don't make a rod for your own back anymore.

Jo.x

ukbandit

i would use the money to give yourself a treat, a spa day or something, just for you.

the fact that the OH does not seem to be aware of the financial situation is a little alarming. i would if i were you make the incomings and outgoings clear by making a list. make him aware of the list.

start making cutbacks in areas like sky/BB/mobiles etc, not enough to lose your standard of living, but enough to put the squeeze on.

its not fair for you to be required to carry the weight of both of you, but it might be that he just is not aware of the scale of the problem.

In a marriage its all about compromise, whatever yo both agree is ok, there is not right or wrong way. for example i pay all the bills in my house, and the wife pays for extraordinary items, e.g. large purchases, holidays, diy etc. that works for us but wouldnt work with others.

Starting a pgce whilst in a perilous financial situation is irrisponsible though if your not feeling abole to maintain yourselve. if i recall a ogce is a years course. can you survive for that year? whats the starting teaching salary he can expect/

if you think the pgce is a good idea, and he can work as a supply teacher (£100-£130 a day) then great, but you need to budget for that year and understand what sacrifices need to be made, and you need to make him aware that that is what they are, sacrifices.

Good luck and in the meantime, share the pressure and concerns, dont let himtake out loans, get rid of the CCards (they only build up!) and dont let him go running to his dad for a bridging loan. you need to sort this out properly and lay a firm foundation for financial control now.

lynzpower

I agree, its about putting the brakes on a bit. If y0u are not already, then take t down to the cheapest food, the least treats only what you need- no new clothes till everythings falling apart, and leave the renovations until theres 2 incomes coming in.

just because he is doing a PGCE doesnt mean that he cant earn on top. Most of my mates who did it had a saturday job in tescos or something.Yes its demanding, but there are options to earn SOMETHING. In fact many peo0ple have to, after all if you dont have a partner to bankroll you then you have to survive somehow.

Why dont you go on holiday on your own. It neednt be expensive, you can just get a cheap flight out somewhere and a guest house for one, sit down, sink a coktail or two and relax. After all why should your OH benefit from the luxuries when they are not putting in? Additionally it seems that you need a break from he take take take thats been goingon in your relationship nad i suspect taking him away and bankrolling him may make you resernt him further.

then when you come back you come back with a fresh perpective. do you think he might be depressed? Being out of work for such a long time can make people low and lazy, it did to me certainly.

tiara

Firstly, sorry about the initial long rant and secondly, thank you for your kind words.

I'd like to point out that we're not struggling financially.... Well... I have been paying for the mortgage and bills comfortably as well as having put some money aside (which OH doesn't know about..... Is this wrong?) I got a loan of 6K out for OH, which I have told him it's his responsibility to repay (I could repay this with the money I've saved, but why should I??) Am I being selfish? I could easily pay OH's mortgage contributions, but I want him to learn that he has responsibilites.... Am I being cruel? Should I confess about the money that I have saved? Should I repay all the debts that he's accrued? (From his dad, friends...)

Beckipeg

Sorry to hear of the difficulties you're having. Marriage takes work, lots of communication and commitment. You're still in the early days, particularly as you saw so little of each other in the first six months. It's worth putting in the effort to resolve things and your marriage gets stronger.

Money issues are a major cause of stress in many marriages, without going into too many details I'd suggest that you have a joint account for all your expenses, then set up a separate account each for personal money. Find time to talk about what is important for you to achieve with your finances - debt repayments, council tax, mortgage, food, clothing, water rates, heating and lighting, charity giving, hobbies etc (use the budget planners on MSE). How much to you realistically have to use for each area? How much do you have left over for hobbies and holidays? Then pay an equal amount into your personal "pocket money" account (our personal budget allows for £10 per month) which is for that person to spend as they wish outside the normal budget without challenge by their spouse - if they want to buy 10 bars of chocolate that's their decision, or save up for a special gift for your birthday, that's their decision too.

ALL other money is for paying joint bills and expenses. Anything outside your normal budget to be paid from your joint account can be agreed by both of you as you can afford - eg. holiday in a tent in a field, or upmarket hotel?

Take time to talk to each other and don't let resentment build up. Set aside regular time where you can talk about anything without fear of being rejected - eg. for us we set Thursday evening after the children were in bed for an hour or two over a cup of coffee and piece of yummy cake where no subject was off limits.

Don't be afraid to ask for help - marriage guidance is available from a number of places, pick the one you feel most comfortable with. Don't leave it too late to sort things out, take things forward a step at a time so that they can gradually get resolved.

jo1972

Personally I wouldn't tell him about the money you've put aside as this could make him think he doesn't need to work at it. You are not being selfish or cruel, you are in a partnership and everything should be dealt with equally.

Think of it another way, imagine you were single and you and a mate decide to flat share but your mate doesn't bother paying towards the rent or joint food shopping etc and so leaves you to pay it so you both don't get into trouble. Would that be fair?

ukbandit

you should only p]ay of his debts if your happy to do so. if you feel t his would be giving him the easy option i would not do it.

its irrelevent wether you are able to pay, you should put the squeeze on and make it clear that likes little luxuries are only available if you both contribute.

keep the money, its always good to have money for a rainy day, and if i were you, keep it quiet

tiara

...I may have inadvertently made OH jump to the wrong conclusion too. I do work a lot of hours and OH thinks this is to keep the house running, but the harder I work, the more I get to save....:D

But, should I just pay for the holiday for the both of us or cut my nose off to spite my face (I think that's the saying....) and just leave it? (I could really, really do with the break....)

rosieben

jo1972 wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't tell him about the money you've put aside as this could make him think he doesn't need to work at it. You are not being selfish or cruel, you are in a partnership and everything should be dealt with equally.

Think of it another way, imagine you were single and you and a mate decide to flat share but your mate doesn't bother paying towards the rent or joint food shopping etc and so leaves you to pay it so you both don't get into trouble. Would that be fair?

I agree with everything jo said.

I would list all ins and outs, sit him down and make him aware of the fact that you - and his father - are carrying him; tell him he's an adult not a child and he needs to start taking responsiblity for his own debts; and tell him if things dont change you will be gone. Maybe shock tactics will work.

Certainly do not tell him about your savings. I've no doubt he would expect you to clear his debt with this money, but it will only lead to more resentment on your part (quite rightly) and encourage no change in his behaviour.

Good luck! keep us posted

Edited to say: re the holiday, can you take yourself off for a long weekend somewhere, do you have friends or family living 'away' who would be happy for a visit? If you pay for a holiday for OH I think you will probaby just feel so much more resentment (I would!) and you'd come back even more stressed.

Going away isnt going to solve this problem. Plain talking is the way to go.

ukbandit

tiara wrote: »

...I may have inadvertently made OH jump to the wrong conclusion too. I do work a lot of hours and OH thinks this is to keep the house running, but the harder I work, the more I get to save....:D

But, should I just pay for the holiday for the both of us or cut my nose off to spite my face (I think that's the saying....) and just leave it? (I could really, really do with the break....)

take a break, just think about what it is like i said do a spa day, you know the manicure/mud treatment ones? use it as a chance to relax.

theres no use working hard though, working yourself up into a freenzy and then needing a break (spending some of your saving in the process :rotfl:

if he has refused to contribute to the holiday, do something for yourself, afterall you do deserve it.....dont you?