I didn't know marriage was supposed to be like this....

daphne_descends

Sorry, what does your OH do all day?

tiara

Thanks moozikgal. How do I find out about these allowances? My OH is like a child, he does not take the initiative to find things out for himself.... In fact, it was me that suggested that he go into teaching (after he'd been out of work for 6 months). I still don't know whether he's doing this as a 'way out', or whether he really does want to do it.... He assures me that he does want to do it.

jo1972 - My OH is currently temping, so has money coming in.... But more and more, I find myself buying things for him, clothes etc etc (I know I shouldn't, but how can I spend money on myself and not on him when he's constantly moaning about getting further and further in debt?)

jo1972

tiara wrote: »

I find myself buying things for him, clothes etc etc (I know I shouldn't, but how can I spend money on myself and not on him when he's constantly moaning about getting further and further in debt?)

I do understand what you are saying as I used to do the same for my OH but now that we are no longer in this situation I can see how silly I was. He needs to get a grip and deal with what is going on in his life. He sounds like he has incredibly low self esteem which can cause a vicious circle.

You sound like you know what you want to say, I think you've just got to pick up the courage and say it, are you frightened to say something to him?

frostyspice

What type of PGCE is he doing, secondary (what subject?) or primary? What kind of bursary is he getting for it? I got £6k for mine, which i've just finished.

margaretclare

tiara wrote: »

Firstly, sorry about the initial long rant and secondly, thank you for your kind words.

I'd like to point out that we're not struggling financially.... Well... I have been paying for the mortgage and bills comfortably as well as having put some money aside (which OH doesn't know about..... Is this wrong?) I got a loan of 6K out for OH, which I have told him it's his responsibility to repay (I could repay this with the money I've saved, but why should I??) Am I being selfish? I could easily pay OH's mortgage contributions, but I want him to learn that he has responsibilites.... Am I being cruel? Should I confess about the money that I have saved? Should I repay all the debts that he's accrued? (From his dad, friends...)

No, you should not.

Marriage is about two people. It's not about one person carrying the other, like a millstone around the neck. It's not about one person working themself into the grave and the other one enjoying a life of luxury. It's about shared responsibilities. Shared everything, in fact.

You need to sit him down and you both need to talk. No adult should 'not know what the council tax costs'! Prepare a budget as others have said, write down everything that comes in and goes out. Talk about it.

I agree that doing a course to improve job prospects may be a good thing, but also, doing a part-time job as well would demonstrate that he's become a responsible adult who has learned that nothing comes free, everything has to be paid for, and for him to sit on his a*se while you work your fingers to the bone, is not the way to go on. Don't let this situation continue, or he really will get into the habit of thinking he's on a cushy number and this is the way life is going to be. Sit him down and put him straight!

Best wishes

Margaret

liney

You need to get everything out into the open. You are married yet he doesn't know how much you earn, or how much the bills are. You are loaning him money (!?)

I was under the impression that you could get upto a 9k grant for the PGCE course, so do look into that, alternatively bar work/working in the care industry often has evening weekend hours so he can top up.

I would approach this in a woe is me/little wifey way. Oh what am i going to do, how are we going to manage, sniff, no turkey for little Timmy this xmas kind of way, and let him do the 'im going to fix the problem, caveman thing'.

IMO as a woman you sound like a strong personality with good earning power and maybe he needs to feel abit more needed, and in turn responsible.

My god i sound like a surrendered wife.... I mean big up his masculinity abit without turning into a doormat ) I dont get anywhere 'putting my foot down' with my DH. You catch more flys with honey and vinager as the saying goes.

duchy

So are you buying him things to "reward" him for temping ?
It's almost as if he is the child and you are the parent.
Seems to me you're almost coluding with him.....Nothing is going to change unless YOU change too. Why should it-he's very nice and comfy where he is with you and his Dad both giving him money and gifts. He needs an incentive to change .
I'm sure part of you is thinking "But he should WANT to change" it's my experience that a lot of people are very comfy in their rut until something drives them out and then they finally wake up and smell the roses and realize what better things are out there.....Just read some of the DFW Diaries for examples-but usually it takes a jolt before it happens.

jo1972

I hope you're ok Tiara, we are all just being honest with you. You need to look at it from an outsiders point of view, imagine if your best mate came to you with the same problem, what would you tell her to do?

Keeping_Positive

Other than the money side of the relationship are you happy? If you continue with the current situation, I feel that all that will happen is that you will get so frustrated and split up only for him to walk away with half the house that you put alot more into. Even if you are still comfortable financially it will eat at you. If you are happy in other ways and can afford to support him, as thats what you are and likely to keep doing, then fine.

If you want him to change then you must be tough and tell him straight. Men dont listen to hints.

I dont want to be too harsh as I end up spending money on the OH when I shouldnt and I dont have excess cash lol!

tiara

I guess I feel guilty that I am able to save money, whilst he's not and I feel resentment towards the fact that he's quite happy to let me deal with everything financially without showing any appreciation whatsoever.... Only every constant moaning about his financial predicament.

I feel really bad that I've got savings, but I know I'm right in not telling him about it, as that would not get us anywhere and would allow my OH to sit back even more. Sometimes I feel as though I should say to him to not contribute to the mortgage for a month or two and allow him to sort himself out.... But where would that get me? It would turn into a couple of months, then 6, 12..... Where would it stop?

I guess there really is no answer to this one, as jo1972 quite rightly said, it's put up or shut up.