how do you argue?

onomatopoeia99

meritaten wrote: »

we are human - some of us let our feelings out and shout etc. but at least we let people KNOW how we feel. to keep things in, to deny we are feeling 'wronged' or angry - does not feel right to us. for those who wont get angry or just walk away or sulk - HOW does that help? by not discussing the problem it doesn't just go away - and the person you walk away from feels you just don't matter to them. I realise that some people HATE confrontation - but walking away and sulking is NOT addressing the problem.

I can discuss the problem. I would want nothing more than to discuss the problem. I can't have a discussion with someone acting like my two year old niece when she can't get her way though. I have to walk away until they are capable of talking rather than screaming.

I absolutely cannot comprehend people that act that way, nor can I "discuss" with them until they can use their talking voice.

Do not mistake being calm when unhappy / upset / angry for being unfeeling, nothing could be further from the truth. It's very possible to tear me to pieces with angry words. I meant it when I said it is worse than being hit. The damage lasts longer and the hurt is deeper.

Sticks and stones ... may be true for some (usually the people that say it), but it's not true for everyone.

Georgiegirl256

meritaten wrote: »

we are human - some of us let our feelings out and shout etc. but at least we let people KNOW how we feel. to keep things in, to deny we are feeling 'wronged' or angry - does not feel right to us. for those who wont get angry or just walk away or sulk - HOW does that help? by not discussing the problem it doesn't just go away - and the person you walk away from feels you just don't matter to them. I realise that some people HATE confrontation - but walking away and sulking is NOT addressing the problem.

:T Totally agree with this. I hate sulkers. What's the point of acting like a child? You don't even have to scream and shout, but at least talk about the problem in question.

My husband is a sulker. Whereas I like to get my feelings out in the open, talk about what we're arguing about and hopefully try and resolve problem. If you don't, things tend to fester.

When my husband skulks off upstairs or goes out for a drive, I just leave him to it. I don't run after him anymore or try and talk, he realises soon enough that sulking upstairs isn't going to solve anything and eventually comes back down to talk.

Anyhow OP, you're only a year and a half into the relationship and you're arguing that much already....doesn't bode well.

Also, you say it's over very minor things? From what you've put, it doesn't sound like it to me.

Gloomendoom

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

:T Totally agree with this. I hate sulkers. What's the point of acting like a child?

Considering so many adults sulk and plenty of children argue, you could argue that arguing is just as childish as sulking.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

:T Totally agree with this. I hate sulkers. What's the point of acting like a child? You don't even have to scream and shout, but at least talk about the problem in question.

My husband is a sulker. Whereas I like to get my feelings out in the open, talk about what we're arguing about and hopefully try and resolve problem. If you don't, things tend to fester.

When my husband skulks off upstairs or goes out for a drive, I just leave him to it. I don't run after him anymore or try and talk, he realises soon enough that sulking upstairs isn't going to solve anything and eventually comes back down to talk.

Anyhow OP, you're only a year and a half into the relationship and you're arguing that much already....doesn't bode well.

Also, you say it's over very minor things? From what you've put, it doesn't sound like it to me.

He's defusing the situation. Gives you a chance to stop yelling at him and then, once you're more reasonable, it's an opportunity to behave like an adult and talk about things.

Just like I'd walk away from a toddler screaming that they want ice cream - there's no reasoning with someone at that stage, the only response that would be accepted is 'here's your ice cream', so rather than try and reason, get shouted at some more, get frustrated and angry, just take away the audience for the histrionics and everything calms down again.

Seems a pretty mature response to me.

FBaby

He likes to have a big slanging match and have it all done and dusted there and then however i am much more of a stewer and sit in silence type of thing (which i know isn't ideal and doesn't help).

Yep, that's me and OH but the other way round!

He has admitted that because i am very good at keeping my cool he does say things he knows will hurt me so i will react. that isn't good is it

Yep, that used to me too!

OH and I went through explosive and painful arguments every few months, to not one in over 2 years. One positive event helped a lot, but we also learnt to respect each other's way of dealing with issues. We have now find the way to communicate effectively.

That meant for me not to let things brew. If I have an issue, I need to bring it up with OH sooner than later. It is difficult because like you, OH never gives me any feedback there and then, and it can feel like I am just wasting my time, making me feel even more frustrated. I now know though that whatever I raise with him, he WILL be thinking it over and he WILL do something about it given time. As a matter, of fact, I am now even more in love with him for the fact that he will always take it upon himself to make changes to deal with the issue. I just needed to learn to trust him and accept that he will show me his intention to deal with the situation through actions rather than promises, and frankly, that is sooooo much more rewarding.

It has meant changing the way I have always dealt with issues, which was not easy to start with, but now we have found the way that works for us and it has made us much stronger as a result.

My friends used to be concerned about our arguments and seeing it as a sign that our relationship wouldn't be lasting when all it was was a sign that we hadn't found yet the way to communicate in the way that worked for both of us.

I don't agree at all that arguing is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. I hear so often about couples breaking up when they never argued. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sign of no problems, but a sign that neither of them could be bothered to tackle them. All that matter is to find the common way to cope with conflict so that it can make the relationship stronger as a result, not the other way around.

Saying that, if it reaches the point of physical violence, that's a sign that it has gone way too far.

GwylimT

We don't really argue, we will have disagreements but we will discuss them, decide we are both right/the other is wrong and get on with it.

I often get told that is the "wrong" way to be in a relationship as apparently you should change to pleas each other. If your partner needs to change for you to be happy you're with the wrong person.

skattykatty

IF he is trying to get a reaction from you then he will keep pushing, in an increasingly aggressive a manner, to get what he wants.

IF, as an adult, he cannot recognise when his anger/frustration has become unmnageable and that he needs to walk away so as not to cause hurt/pain to himself or those close to him, then I would be worried about a future with him.

IF he speaks to you with contempt, even in the heat of an argument, then I would be concerned about the future of the relationship: research has shown contempt to be a major reason for marriage breakup.

IF you are staying with him because you are afraid of being alone, then this time at your parents may be an opportunity to develop your self-esteem, your confidence, in order to appreciate your own life and, perhaps, meet someone who appreciates you for who you are and wishes to make a life with you.. That may be your current partner, it may not.

Georgiegirl256

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He's defusing the situation. Gives you a chance to stop yelling at him and then, once you're more reasonable, it's an opportunity to behave like an adult and talk about things.

Just like I'd walk away from a toddler screaming that they want ice cream - there's no reasoning with someone at that stage, the only response that would be accepted is 'here's your ice cream', so rather than try and reason, get shouted at some more, get frustrated and angry, just take away the audience for the histrionics and everything calms down again.

Seems a pretty mature response to me.

Where did I say that I yelled at him? I'm talking about getting things out in the open, to discuss things like adults.

Oh believe me, he's not stepping away to diffuse any situation, he sulks big time, and it's not attractive.

I agree that shouting and screaming doesn't help the situation either. Talking and getting things out in the open usually does though.

FBaby

If your partner needs to change for you to be happy you're with the wrong person.

I really don't agree with this. Maybe some people are incredibly lucky to meet their exact twin, there are bound to be differences, even if you have much in common with your partner. My partner and I have changed quite a lot since we met, and that is why we get along so incredibly well now. Changes wasn't imposed, it became the natural way for our relationship to evolve. I suppose for me, changing is compromising, and compromising is showing that you are prepared to make an effort to make the other person happy because you love them. Some compromises are easier than others, sometimes, compromises are genuinely not possible, and that's when it becomes a problem. The most common one is that whereas one is prepared to compromise, the other isn't.

Shouting and screaming, not ideal, but sometimes it is the only way to be heard. I defintely know that is the case with my teenagers. They acknowledge themselves that sometimes it is what it takes for them to be willing to pay attention!

j.e.j.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He's defusing the situation. Gives you a chance to stop yelling at him and then, once you're more reasonable, it's an opportunity to behave like an adult and talk about things.

Just like I'd walk away from a toddler screaming that they want ice cream - there's no reasoning with someone at that stage, the only response that would be accepted is 'here's your ice cream', so rather than try and reason, get shouted at some more, get frustrated and angry, just take away the audience for the histrionics and everything calms down again.

Seems a pretty mature response to me.

:rotfl:

Well you seen to have decided that it's Georgiegirl who was being unreasonable, despite not knowing either of them or even what the row was about.

Fwiw I can't stand sulkers, either. Walking away to let things calm down, yes, but giving the other person the silent treatment in the hope that that person will give in and let them have their own way? Nah, I just laugh at them. I could not live with a sulker.