how do you argue?

Jacko_amz

Hi everyone,

Just would like some advice really, me and my partner have been together for about a year and half and live together, of late however we have argued a lot, over very minor things. Our argument styles are complete opposite and its ruining our relationship. He likes to have a big slanging match and have it all done and dusted there and then however i am much more of a stewer and sit in silence type of thing (which i know isn't ideal and doesn't help).

When were good we are so good and so in love and love talking about the future etc but this arguing is getting in the way!

I have moved back to parents temporarily just to have a breather to see if that will help, it initially did but now seems we are arguing again? I know all couples argue and it is deemed healthy to have disagreements i just want to know the right way to do so without it all flaring up?

Any opinions would be great

Errata

I know all couples argue

No they don't, and sitting in silence and stewing will get you nowhere fast because it can come across as sulking or passive aggression.

balletshoes

what are you arguing about?

do you/he re-hash/regurgitate old arguments in current ones?

what do you mean by "he likes a big slanging match"?

I don't like shouting and roaring (I feel like I've lost control and credibility in my arguments if I'm having to shout and roar), and this is my OH's natural style of arguing, so I keep my voice low and steady when we are disagreeing about something, this seems to in turn slow and quieten his way of disagreeing.
We may end up having to agree to disagree, and thats okay usually.

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

Me and the Currant Mrs Blackbeard do not argue. What I say, goes.

Any problem, read from the top, again!

SeduLOUs

We're the same, we never seem to argue about anything big, it always seems to be about something stupid like someone not having done the washing up (but saying that we only argue 1-2 times per year).

I'm pretty stubborn and awful.

In the past I would always storm out, give the silent treatment and expect them to come crawling to me and apologise even when I knew I was wrong. With past boyfriends this method always worked, but I can't get away with being such a b*tch anymore!

My current partner just leaves me to it, so when I storm off to the bedroom I'm just stuck there bored out of my mind while he's watching TV downstairs!

I still storm out because I can get shouty otherwise and I never want an argument to get to the stages of name calling because sometimes you might say something you don't mean but can never take back. But now after 10-15 minutes of stewing to myself I then come back downstairs a lot calmer and we have a grown up conversation and sort it out.

Jacko_amz

ok sorry didnt mean to offend with saying all couples argue. his way is very much re-hashing past fights and name calling etc and i hate that. he says i argue in a 'posh' way because i don't name call. I just feel it gets you no where and ends up hurting one another.

Sedulous i guess i am pretty similar, i am incredibly stubborn. i recognize i am not right all the time and i do find it hard to say sorry, especially to someone who is calling me names.

This is why we desperately want to find a more reasonable way of disputing things, we don't want to fail

Errata

OK fair enough, but if he can't discuss something without calling you names and he tells you you're 'posh' then he appears to be treating you with contempt. You may not want to fail, but TBH it sounds like the relationship has failed already, not least because you've had to move back to your parents to get away from him.

j.e.j.

If you're fighting and arguing all the time (or most of the time) it might be time to consider whether the relationship's really working.

Jacko_amz

it just feels such a shame to let go when we have such a good time when were not arguing and enjoy each others company

balletshoes

Jacko_amz wrote: »

ok sorry didnt mean to offend with saying all couples argue.
his way is very much re-hashing past fights and name calling etc and i hate that.
he says i argue in a 'posh' way because i don't name call. I just feel it gets you no where and ends up hurting one another.

Sedulous i guess i am pretty similar, i am incredibly stubborn. i recognize i am not right all the time and i do find it hard to say sorry, especially to someone who is calling me names.

This is why we desperately want to find a more reasonable way of disputing things, we don't want to fail

Do you ever, when you're all loved up and not having just been arguing, talk about how you argue? I mean like you are doing here? If you can do it calmly when you're happy in each other's company, it might sink in a little when it comes to the next time you have a disagreement.

Jacko_amz

yeah we do, and we say were gonna try etc and me not to be stubborn and him not to be verbally aggressive.

I guess its just not working is it