how do you argue?

j.e.j.

Jacko_amz wrote: »

that's a very unfair judgement j.e.j i have not said i am contacting women's aid or alluded to the fact i need to.

As for 'bickering teenagers' you have no right in making this assumption and it was totally unhelpful.

No I know YOU didn't mention Womens Aid but someone else did, and it often gets suggested on this board.



A brawling couple, then.

balletshoes

Jacko_amz wrote: »

we have had some pretty aggressive arguments, the worst being when he was shouting very hurtful things at me suggesting i was a 'women of the night' and i already have a ton of men lined up. i have been completely faithful to him so i don't know where he gets this from.

It ended up with me pushed to my limits of this verbal abuse and i hit him with a laundry basket, something i have never done before and never thought i could do. he reacted by grabbing me by the throat and pushing me against a door.

Although i do feel we love each other dearly and want it to work i also feel were are just not compatible and rile each other up to become people we don't want to be.

I am so scared of being alone

now you've written that down - you know thats not how any human being who loves and respects another human being behaves, right? Not ever.

I don't think you 2 are good for each other, and I suspect if you carry on in this relationship the bad times may quickly start outweighing the good.

GoldenShadow

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I think you know that.

I don't really argue with my OH. Get annoyed and bicker to a degree but never lasts more than 10 mins if that. My previous boyfriend used to be good at rowing, that was when I knew there was no going back for us because it was just too recurrent.

meritaten

you sound like me and OH! I like to shout and let it all out, and it used to drive me crazy that OH would sit and stew and sometimes sulk for weeks or months.
It drove me nuts because I let OH know exactly why I am upset/angry and want to get it out in the open and discuss it. then come to a compromise or agreement. With him, I can upset him and its only when I realise I am getting the 'silent treatment with sulks' that I know something is wrong. then on asking what's wrong I get 'nothing'. and further down the line he will get shirty and I will get 'but you said/did'.
it used to upset me - now I ignore it. totally. he can 'get over it in his own time' or not. I don't care. after 30odd years I realised its HIS problem - not mine.

dancingfairy

Why are you arguing? Are there outside influences that are stressing you? Is he trying to get a reaction out of you?
Is the arguing solving anything? For example if you argue about mess, for example do you agree a compromise going forward so the problem doesn't come up again or is it just pointless arguing?
Why did you get together in the first place? Is that still there or has the lust worn off and you are discovering you aren't really compatible after all?
Obviously you don't need to answer the questions on here but it will give you a few things to think about. You haven't been together that long really, a year and a half? It doesn't really bode well for the future to be honest.
df

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Jacko_amz wrote: »

He has admitted that because i am very good at keeping my cool he does say things he knows will hurt me so i will react. that isn't good is it

No, no it isn't. He's telling you that you made him abuse you verbally and physically.

And strangling? That wasn't self defence, was it? That was a deliberate act after having abused and goaded you. A normal man would have walked out, not done something that could have led to your death. (Never heard of anyone dying from a laundry basket related injury, by the way. Doesn't make it right, but it certainly doesn't justify a single thing he did in response to it).

For heaven's sake, stay at your parents. Tell your dad he strangled you. See whether he says that's a normal thing for a man to do. I'm willing to bet he won't.

onomatopoeia99

Jacko_amz wrote: »

I know all couples argue

No, they don't.

I can't be with someone that shouts and screams and "lets it all out". For me, a relationship can only work if any disagreement is talked about calmly. If the other person starts shouting, I walk away. They might as well shout at a wall, the only difference is that being shouted at hurts me more than being hit. Even so, I won't rise to it and act like a frustrated two year old that can't get its way.

GlasweJen

We don't argue, I get annoyed at something silly. I do shout, never directly at him, more about situations I'm in (he calls me firey), he listens and laughs at me. The worst insult that gets passed between us is "stinky".

Anatidaephobia

Communication is the most important thing. Explain your view, listen to theirs, discuss where you are differing and how you can find a resolution. If things are getting a bit much, say you need a few moments and leave the room, take a moment to catch your breathe and get your thoughts in order. We have never gone to sleep angry or without resolving something; I hate the thought of storming off and then not speaking for days. But I've never had an argument with a partner where name calling has been involved nor where things have got violent so I don't think this will be very helpful to the OP It requires both of you to want to make it work and be willing to try and communicate; if he's not willing then it won't work.

meritaten

we are human - some of us let our feelings out and shout etc. but at least we let people KNOW how we feel. to keep things in, to deny we are feeling 'wronged' or angry - does not feel right to us. for those who wont get angry or just walk away or sulk - HOW does that help? by not discussing the problem it doesn't just go away - and the person you walk away from feels you just don't matter to them. I realise that some people HATE confrontation - but walking away and sulking is NOT addressing the problem.