how do you argue?

SeduLOUs

Jacko_amz wrote: »

ok sorry didnt mean to offend with saying all couples argue. his way is very much re-hashing past fights and name calling etc and i hate that. he says i argue in a 'posh' way because i don't name call. I just feel it gets you no where and ends up hurting one another.

This is why I walk away before it gets close to name calling.

In a past relationship an ex said something nasty to me in an argument (about my weight) and even after we resolved the original argument I could never let that comment go.

He insisted profusely that he didn't mean it, but in reality I knew it had to have come from somewhere or else he just said it out of pure nastiness. We didn't last after that which was a shame because we had a great relationship other than that one slipped comment that ruined everything.

Errata

Jacko_amz wrote: »

yeah we do, and we say were gonna try etc and me not to be stubborn and him not to be verbally aggressive.

I guess its just not working is it

It may not be, but time at your parents will give you the opportunity to figure out how you feel about his behaviour. Sometimes it helps to write down lists of good points and bad points and think about each point individually.

Jacko_amz

that is a good idea i may suggest that too him later

bagpussbear

Gosh I thought every couple argued too!

There is no place for name calling in an argument with someone you love. Shouting is one thing, but name calling is unacceptable in my opinion. Sounds like he name calls to try and goad a reaction out of you.

Stewing over something just makes you feel ill though.

If you have moved back to your parents at the moment, sounds as though you have almost come to the end of your tether.

The only way is to have a good talk, and come to a way of agreeing to argue in a more respectful way. I think you have a right to demand no name calling, but also I think it's not entirely fair to keep silent when he is trying to convey why he is upset about something.

Me and my hubby have had some big rows, and upsetting things were said, and names called in the heat of the moment. We decided to have a code word - which basically means that if either of us is starting to find the argument getting into offensive territory, we say the word which means 'stop'. It stops an argument in it's tracks, we go away and calm down and then have a conversation later, which results in a sorry and cuddle from both of us. Our way might sound strange to others, but it works for us well!

BWZN93

Jacko_amz wrote: »

I guess its just not working is it

It's likely you already know the answer to this. I've barely argued with anyone before my husband (that was probably fear on my part) but one thing about our disagreements is that we are never name calling or personal, we may get het up but it never lasts long, it isn't frequent, and we take time afterwards to resolve it and have a cuddle, because if you don't and leave part of it to fester; you're going to have a repeat of the issue.

We went through a short patch of getting very annoyed and frustrated with each other but we know that was due to some pretty rubbish external pressures and took the time to talk and regroup and start having each other's back again. If your arguments are about minor trivialities and are frequent and resort to name calling, to be honest - I'd have left. Life is too short for that kind of drama. You're meant to be a team. A team doesn't want to lose.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Um. I'm not convinced it's worth pursuing a relationship where you argue to that extent.

In previous relationships, I've had some real humdingers - but only when the other person has been like your bloke - they've pushed and shouted and insulted with the whole intention of getting a strong reaction from me. And, in the end, it ended up that, to get a strong reaction from me was actually a pretext for 'you made me hurt you'. The fact that he got a buzz on the first time I reacted to him throwing stuff at me (he threw my stereo at my head, I hurled it straight back) doesn't change the fact that six months later, he was repeatedly smashing a glass door into me and picking me up by the throat until I genuinely thought I was going to die with my children in the next room.

It's not being 'posh' to not act like a verbally abusive scumbag. Even that phrase suggests he has complete contempt for you. Much like the above ex had for me.


I've been with my OH for two years. In that time, we've disagreed on things and there have been emotional conversations. But we have never argued. Being able to shout the loudest or come up with the most imaginative insult isn't a measure of who deserves to 'win'. Even the idea of arguing suggests trying to control the other person.

From experience therefore, I'd say that somebody who has to shout and hurl abuse to 'win' isn't a good life partner. At best you'll get make up sex. But at worst, his behaviour is a warning of how things could escalate in the future.


(And yes, I think the same about women who do it)

Jagraf

I shout, Hubbie sulks. So then I start ignoring him, then he gets fed up and apologises. Then I apologise and I forget, then he brings it p at next argument. Rinse and repeat

Jacko_amz

we have had some pretty aggressive arguments, the worst being when he was shouting very hurtful things at me suggesting i was a 'women of the night' and i already have a ton of men lined up. i have been completely faithful to him so i don't know where he gets this from.

It ended up with me pushed to my limits of this verbal abuse and i hit him with a laundry basket, something i have never done before and never thought i could do. he reacted by grabbing me by the throat and pushing me against a door.

Although i do feel we love each other dearly and want it to work i also feel were are just not compatible and rile each other up to become people we don't want to be.

I am so scared of being alone

GlasweJen

Jacko_amz wrote: »

we have had some pretty aggressive arguments, the worst being when he was shouting very hurtful things at me suggesting i was a 'women of the night' and i already have a ton of men lined up. i have been completely faithful to him so i don't know where he gets this from.

It ended up with me pushed to my limits of this verbal abuse and i hit him with a laundry basket, something i have never done before and never thought i could do. he reacted by grabbing me by the throat and pushing me against a door.

Although i do feel we love each other dearly and want it to work i also feel were are just not compatible and rile each other up to become people we don't want to be.

I am so scared of being alone

I'd be more afraid of being with him, seriously call woman's aid and talk them through what's going on. This isnt arguing, it sounds like the start of domestic abuse

Babbawah

I can handle the arguments, but not the silence inbetween them.