how do you argue?

fairy_lights

So he says things to deliberately get a reaction out of you, and then when you do react he assaults you? No. That is not a normal or healthy way to argue at all.

bagpussbear

Jacko_amz wrote: »

we have had some pretty aggressive arguments, the worst being when he was shouting very hurtful things at me suggesting i was a 'women of the night' and i already have a ton of men lined up. i have been completely faithful to him so i don't know where he gets this from.

It ended up with me pushed to my limits of this verbal abuse and i hit him with a laundry basket, something i have never done before and never thought i could do. he reacted by grabbing me by the throat and pushing me against a door.

Although i do feel we love each other dearly and want it to work i also feel were are just not compatible and rile each other up to become people we don't want to be.

I am so scared of being alone

Just reading this, I am changing my opinion - I do think you would be better apart actually. This isn't so much about differences in arguing, but getting into physical confrontations.

I do think you were absolutely wrong to throw the basket at him, but if a man grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the door, I'd be gone in an instant.

Stay at your parents OP. You don't have to be alone, plenty of nicer guys out there to date.

Toxicity

GlasweJen wrote: »

I'd be more afraid of being with him, seriously call woman's aid and talk them through what's going on. This isnt arguing, it sounds like the start of domestic abuse

Are we ignoring the fact that she was violent towards him first? I don't think having household items thrown at your head is particularly nice.

I wouldn't say either of their behaviour in that scenario was appropriate.

Jacko_amz

and i totally agree i was completely in the wrong in being violent first and do not condemn this behavior. we have come a long way since then though and arguments have been less heated, but still as frequent and not getting resolved efficiently.

Jacko_amz

He has admitted that because i am very good at keeping my cool he does say things he knows will hurt me so i will react. that isn't good is it

mogwai

Up until you posted the bit about grabbing you by your throat I was going to suggest reading up on communication styles in relationships and giving it another go, but after reading that, I don't think this relationship sounds very healthy. I would say call it quits before the physical aggression escalates and you both end up with regrets

Kaye1

I have been married a long time and although we argue, it would never occur to either of us to call each other names- bit playground isn't it?


One of the things I love about my OH is that I know he will never be spiteful. He isn't perfect (who is?!) but he isn't and will never be unkind. Grumpy and tired yes, but never deliberately unkind.
You need to have a careful think about this.

Jacko_amz

that's a very unfair judgement j.e.j i have not said i am contacting women's aid or alluded to the fact i need to.

As for 'bickering teenagers' you have no right in making this assumption and it was totally unhelpful.

GlasweJen

Anyone who likes can go through my posting history and see that I'm not one for shouting abuse but this person has a partner who shouts and swears to get a reaction and then when she does react he gets violent.

Women's aid can listen and tell you if something is domestic abuse or wether it's worth getting couples counselling. I'm not saying "pack a bag and leave" I'm saying go and talk to a professional and get an outside perspective, it's difficult for people on a message board to judge domestic abuse on the back of a few posts.

Errata

OP - you are physically violent, he's physically violent, it sounds like you're best apart before some serious physical damage is done and one of you ends up in court.

If you want to see how easily that could happen, read Sici's thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5224059