Help husbands left me and 3 kids no money

clearingout

jayII wrote: »

On the other hand, depending how people spin it, 6 days could mean only 2-3 hours work a day, adding up to 16 hours and a claim for maximum benefits...

As a full time working single mother of 3 in primary, like others I do feel the frustration of 'but I have children...' refrain.

However, for single mothers working at minimum wage with childcare for 1/2/3 children if a job cannot be found within school hours, even with the generous support of tax credits for childcare, it can prove impossible to make it all add up. There may, on paper, be more money coming in but going to work has a cost to it and I personally couldn't have made it work at minimum wage and I live in the north - when I separated whilst living in the south east and I know I would never have made it work there from a paying for childcare perspective.

You then need to factor in where someone lives vs where the work is vs. where the nursery is and it's not beyond the realms of reason that this could involve a couple of bus rides - and how do you drop off one child at nursery that opens at 8am and the other at breakfast club that opens at 8am when they are 2 miles in between them and get yourself to work 5 miles away on public transport by 8:30am? I have a single mum friend I give a lift to in the mornings because we're going in the same direction and I can get her 3/4s of the way there but she often struggles to get back to the school on time to pick up her son on public transport (and she is only working 4 miles away from his school). There are currently no childminders working our school run because the school has an afterschool club so there is historically no need for them - so this option is out for her. When you start taking into account paying for childcare during school holidays, needing to work weekends if you have no family support, travel costs and time etc. it can be very difficult for single parents to make it work even if on paper, it should be possible to make it work.

And don't get me started on finding a job for 2 -3 hours a day....the idea that we can work for the 15 hours our children are in free nursery is beyond a joke...you drop at 9am, have to pick up at 12am and have a 30 minute bus ride to and from work, plus waiting times...you're at work an hour and a half at the most?! Where are these jobs?!

There is so much empathy for the 'working family' struggling to be in 6 places at once but nothing at all for the single mum who has exactly the same considerations and limitations. It's very difficult and I wish more single parents who do make it work could develop more empathy for those who struggle to see a way through it.

jayII

clearingout wrote: »

As a full time working single mother of 3 in primary, like others I do feel the frustration of 'but I have children...' refrain.

However, for single mothers working at minimum wage with childcare for 1/2/3 children if a job cannot be found within school hours, even with the generous support of tax credits for childcare, it can prove impossible to make it all add up. There may, on paper, be more money coming in but going to work has a cost to it and I personally couldn't have made it work at minimum wage and I live in the north - when I separated whilst living in the south east and I know I would never have made it work there from a paying for childcare perspective.

You then need to factor in where someone lives vs where the work is vs. where the nursery is and it's not beyond the realms of reason that this could involve a couple of bus rides - and how do you drop off one child at nursery that opens at 8am and the other at breakfast club that opens at 8am when they are 2 miles in between them and get yourself to work 5 miles away on public transport by 8:30am? I have a single mum friend I give a lift to in the mornings because we're going in the same direction and I can get her 3/4s of the way there but she often struggles to get back to the school on time to pick up her son on public transport (and she is only working 4 miles away from his school). There are currently no childminders working our school run because the school has an afterschool club so there is historically no need for them - so this option is out for her. When you start taking into account paying for childcare during school holidays, needing to work weekends if you have no family support, travel costs and time etc. it can be very difficult for single parents to make it work even if on paper, it should be possible to make it work.

And don't get me started on finding a job for 2 -3 hours a day....the idea that we can work for the 15 hours our children are in free nursery is beyond a joke...you drop at 9am, have to pick up at 12am and have a 30 minute bus ride to and from work, plus waiting times...you're at work an hour and a half at the most?! Where are these jobs?!

There is so much empathy for the 'working family' struggling to be in 6 places at once but nothing at all for the single mum who has exactly the same considerations and limitations. It's very difficult and I wish more single parents who do make it work could develop more empathy for those who struggle to see a way through it.

I wasn't, in any way, disparaging parents who work a few hours a week and claim tax credits. Having children is hard, whether single or alone and everyone's circumstances are different. Some 'partners' do nothing at home, some work away. Some people have family nearby, some don't. It's rarely as simple as 'families have it easy and single parents have it hard'. Parenting, whilst rewarding, can be very, very hard work for anyone.

All I was saying was that the person who posted above about working 6 days, may have deliberately given the impression that they work 40-50 hours a week, when in reality they could (possibly) be working from home 6 days a week for 2-3 hours a day.

For the record, I would also have claimed tax credits if I was entitled to them, when my children were young. I wasn't entitled to, because I was 'lucky' enough to have skills that enabled me to work 60+ hours, every week, as a childminder, whilst also caring for my own children, and to do both to a high standard. I'm not complaining, just saying how it was for me.

superflygal

clearingout wrote: »

Are you serious? Someone's life has been turned upside down by an unfaithful partner who has moved, care and responsibility free (save for less than £300 a month) 400 miles away leaving the other person to manage 3 young children on her own. And she somehow deserves that?

OP - you have had an unnecessarily hard time with some harsh, personal comments.

The reality of the situation is:
a) that even if she were awarded spousal maintenance, it would not be back dated.
b) If he is earning only £18k a year, he will not be ordered to pay spousal maintenance.
c) If he is earning £35k a year spousal maintenance is a possibility, but that will very much depend on what both party's reasonable outgoings are. As other's have said, his new partner's earnings are noting to do with it. However, what others have failed to say (I think) is that in calculating his ability to pay spousal maintenance, that he lives with another person is an important factor. It will be assumed by the courts that his new partner pays half their living costs - unless he is able to provide evidence to the contrary.
d) In applying to the courts for interim spousal maintenance (am assuming divorce proceedings have not yet started - this will need to happen to apply for the spousal maintenance), the courts will expect to see that you have maximised your own income. This will include applying for all the benefits you are entitled to. I am afraid that the stigma of being the single mum on benefits is huge (it took me two years to apply for Income Support when I was in a similar situation) but you do just have to bite the bullet and get on with it. It is not forever and the system is set up to support people who's lives breakdown in this way.

You would do well to work hard to work with your friend (or on yourself) to minimize the bitterness and do everything you can to ensure that the ex has regular, meaningful contact with the children. It is not easy to literally sit on your hands and watch the happily skip off with a man who has torn their lives apart. However, you have to ask yourself what the alternative is? He left you/your friend, not the children and they don't deserve to lose their father because of his actions. Of course, he may well have made a choice not to see them - that is very common - so all she/you can do is do your best for them and keep the door open for future contact. Don't bad mouth him just plenty of 'daddy loves you very much and I'm sure will contact you when he's ready. In the meantime, remember I love you very much and we can have lots of fun together'. They will pick up on her/your distress so do try to minimise it in front of them because it's hard on them and they need to feel safe and secure and that you/she isn't going to leave as well.

Finally, being on Income Support is a gift in that there is no obligation to work. I can only advise your friend/you to make the most of this time in terms of planning for the future and undertaking any necessary training. Once the youngest turns 5, you are obliged to work - this makes a huge difference and is very limiting if you need to train to secure your future.

It is hard to recover from these major life changes and it takes a lot of hard work to avoid the anger and bitterness and turn it into an opportunity. It can be done, however. Good luck!

Thats a really fab post thank you! Xx