Help husbands left me and 3 kids no money

clearingout

d70cw6 wrote: »

she sounds horrendous. i'd have left her too

Are you serious? Someone's life has been turned upside down by an unfaithful partner who has moved, care and responsibility free (save for less than £300 a month) 400 miles away leaving the other person to manage 3 young children on her own. And she somehow deserves that?

OP - you have had an unnecessarily hard time with some harsh, personal comments.

The reality of the situation is:
a) that even if she were awarded spousal maintenance, it would not be back dated.
b) If he is earning only £18k a year, he will not be ordered to pay spousal maintenance.
c) If he is earning £35k a year spousal maintenance is a possibility, but that will very much depend on what both party's reasonable outgoings are. As other's have said, his new partner's earnings are noting to do with it. However, what others have failed to say (I think) is that in calculating his ability to pay spousal maintenance, that he lives with another person is an important factor. It will be assumed by the courts that his new partner pays half their living costs - unless he is able to provide evidence to the contrary.
d) In applying to the courts for interim spousal maintenance (am assuming divorce proceedings have not yet started - this will need to happen to apply for the spousal maintenance), the courts will expect to see that you have maximised your own income. This will include applying for all the benefits you are entitled to. I am afraid that the stigma of being the single mum on benefits is huge (it took me two years to apply for Income Support when I was in a similar situation) but you do just have to bite the bullet and get on with it. It is not forever and the system is set up to support people who's lives breakdown in this way.

You would do well to work hard to work with your friend (or on yourself) to minimize the bitterness and do everything you can to ensure that the ex has regular, meaningful contact with the children. It is not easy to literally sit on your hands and watch the happily skip off with a man who has torn their lives apart. However, you have to ask yourself what the alternative is? He left you/your friend, not the children and they don't deserve to lose their father because of his actions. Of course, he may well have made a choice not to see them - that is very common - so all she/you can do is do your best for them and keep the door open for future contact. Don't bad mouth him just plenty of 'daddy loves you very much and I'm sure will contact you when he's ready. In the meantime, remember I love you very much and we can have lots of fun together'. They will pick up on her/your distress so do try to minimise it in front of them because it's hard on them and they need to feel safe and secure and that you/she isn't going to leave as well.

Finally, being on Income Support is a gift in that there is no obligation to work. I can only advise your friend/you to make the most of this time in terms of planning for the future and undertaking any necessary training. Once the youngest turns 5, you are obliged to work - this makes a huge difference and is very limiting if you need to train to secure your future.

It is hard to recover from these major life changes and it takes a lot of hard work to avoid the anger and bitterness and turn it into an opportunity. It can be done, however. Good luck!

BWZN93

superflygal wrote: »

Love it!! Ill tell her this! Cheers J. E. J XX

You clearly didn't pay attention to the rest of the comments did you......

GwylimT

If I google my job the salary ranges from £21-46k, but of course the internet never lies.

He is already paying more than the minimum the CSA advises.

What is preventing your friend finding work? If she hasn't claimed any benefits and just has her child maintenance coming in she clearly does have access to other money.

Both need to put the children first, child maintenance isn't there to fund mums life style it is to pay for anything their children need. If your friend would like the life of riley she could get a job, if there is a particular field she is interested in she can start education/work experience/training to improve her chances of seeking employment in that area. If she already had a decent career it will be easier, but in the meantime there isn't anything stopping her gaining employment and improving the lives of her children.

The only thing either of them are obliged to do is to take responsibility for their children, that means acting like adults and putting them first.

duchy

The really sad thing about this is that the poster is either the OP and has no friends to support and advise her -or the OP is a friend and is giving horrible advice.

"Take him for every penny" "Lawyer up" Might work for the Housewives of Beverley Hills but for a single income couple with an income of £18-£35K (presumably as the husband has moved away he also has a new job so could be a lower income ) advocating a battle with lawyers will decimate any joint marital savings/ assets with huge legal fees (which will all have to be paid from the joint pot before dividing up the crumbs that will be left.

Yes it hurts that he left for another woman - but a real friend would be encouraging her to build her own life and be able to be independent of him - and show him what he lost- not be some dependent milksop who needs him to fund her as she's so incapable. Building her confidence gives her a far better chance of rebuilding her life faster- better for her and the children - and increases her likelihood of making successful new relationships when she's ready.

Feeding her anger and hurt is the most un-friendlike thing someone can do.

Gavin83

clearingout wrote: »

Are you serious? Someone's life has been turned upside down by an unfaithful partner who has moved, care and responsibility free (save for less than £300 a month) 400 miles away leaving the other person to manage 3 young children on her own. And she somehow deserves that?

Unfaithful? I got the impression that there wasn't actually any evidence of this and he has denied it.

As for what he earns surely his ex wife has some sort of idea? You can't go based on what the Internet says, it tells you nothing.

Also, as I don't think it's been mentioned yet, are all the children his?

FBaby

If this is about you friend, why are you so bitter yourself? Do you know so well that you can absolutely affirm that she was totally blameless in the split up, that he had no good reasons at all to be stressed? He might be 90% to blame, she might be 10% or something in between, but unless you are 100% certain that the friend who confesses in you tells you absolutely everything and that everything is somehow not to biased, you should really refrain from making judgement and giving emotional rather than rational advice.

How about making it up to her by being a good friend, that is someone who listens, comforts, helps, provides factual advice, and let the judgements asides as this will not help her in anyway.

bigmomma051204

sarahevie1 wrote: »

I could have written this myself. My hubby left me in Oct last year. We have 3 kids under 6. I get a private arrangement not CSA, he has paid this consistently. I get no spousal maintenance, nor would I expect.

The welfare state is there if you choose this route, income support, housing benefit, tax credits etc. Personally I work 6 days a week. Have no family close by so look after the kids solely. They're my responsibility, I knew this from the moment they were born.

You work SIX days per week. You have THREE children aged 0-6years and you look after them SOLELY? What kind of magic do you use?? Because at least one of them must not be at school yet....So do you take them to work and hide them in a cupboard? Nothing like implying that you are achieving something impossible to make yourself sound like a saint LOL!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

duchy

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

You work SIX days per week. You have THREE children aged 0-6years and you look after them SOLELY? What kind of magic do you use?? Because at least one of them must not be at school yet....So do you take them to work and hide them in a cupboard? Nothing like implying that you are achieving something impossible to make yourself sound like a saint LOL!

Of course if she has twins or triplets in the mix then it would be entirely possible they were all at school (and fulltime nurseries exist from 6 months and younger for the under fives). Not magic just necessity.

I can't believe you wouldn't have realized this but I wouldn't laugh at you for getting it wrong as that would be rude.

FBaby

duchy wrote: »

Of course if she has twins or triplets in the mix then it would be entirely possible they were all at school (and fulltime nurseries exist from 6 months and younger for the under fives). Not magic just necessity.

I can't believe you wouldn't have realized this but I wouldn't laugh at you for getting it wrong as that would be rude.

Or they could be working 5 hours a day, when the kids are at school/nursery, with one of these day being a Saturday when the kids are with their dad? Or maybe 4 hours a day and a longer day at the week-ends.

I don't see what is so unbelievable about this. It might sound like magical to many single parents living off benefits, fully or mainly, but there are many single parents out there who do work full-time whilst raising young children.

jayII

FBaby wrote: »

Or they could be working 5 hours a day, when the kids are at school/nursery, with one of these day being a Saturday when the kids are with their dad? Or maybe 4 hours a day and a longer day at the week-ends.

I don't see what is so unbelievable about this. It might sound like magical to many single parents living off benefits, fully or mainly, but there are many single parents out there who do work full-time whilst raising young children.

I worked 5 full days, occasionally 6, as a childminder when my children were small. I'm very experienced in looking after children so it worked well. All the children (including mine) were very happy. I'm not saying that the poster does this, just that it is possible to work from home with young children.

On the other hand, depending how people spin it, 6 days could mean only 2-3 hours work a day, adding up to 16 hours and a claim for maximum benefits...