Splitting the bill with extravagant friends

InsideInsurance

Mojisola wrote: »

Why do you want to spend time with people like this?

So just because people have expensive tastes means they are bad people or cannot be interesting in some other ways?

Whilst we can afford an occasional £200/head night out I am always slightly uncomfortable with those sorts of nights with a group of friends and personally wouldnt arrange that sort of thing myself. We have been with an associate and his wife's friends and I personally wasnt keen on it but as everyone had approximately the same as everyone was in a couple with one person driving etc then dutch -v- split equally wouldnt have made a difference. I've no idea of the financial situation of the others though most were small business owners + partner.

Back to the OP, you want to keep in touch, which is fine. She's moving things about to suit you so it appears she does too. Presumably when you previously knew her as a single mum then she wasnt as cash rich as she is now and had more modest tastes?

You need to have a fairly frank conversation with her, possibly reminding her of how things used to be for the two of you and point out that in some ways for you things havent changed as much as they have for her and you cannot afford the big nights out.

Perhaps its better to drop out the big group nights out and more have 1-2-1 time where splitting bills in other ways wont be an issue or arrange things that are less costly. A night on the champagne is a third the price if bought from a supermarket rather than a winebar

Mojisola

Jet wrote: »

They order champagne and even when I was driving just split the bill equally.

We went to a London show once, and my friend complained that she had to sit with the crowds rather than get a box like she normally does.

She complained once because we had to eat in a "chain" restaurant (Strada) as if she was being made to eat of a dustbin!

I think she honestly thinks her lifestyle is normal and I know she would ridicule me for being "tight" if I say anything.

InsideInsurance wrote: »

So just because people have expensive tastes means they are bad people or cannot be interesting in some other ways?

Absolutely not! It's not their money or the way they chose to spend it that would put me off going out with them - it would be because they expected me to subsidise their expense taste in drinks, because she is an awful snob and she would ridicule me if I said anything about not being able to afford the nights out. That's not a friend!

Loz01

Jesus £200 on a night out :eek: - OP just say "Sorry, I cant afford it, it doesn't matter if you change the date, Im still in the same financial position and I cant justify spending hundreds of pounds on one night out"


If she is a real friend she will understand! If not, I wouldn't bother to even classify her as a friend.

Jet

Loz01 wrote: »

Jesus £200 on a night out :eek: - OP just say "Sorry, I cant afford it, it doesn't matter if you change the date, Im still in the same financial position and I cant justify spending hundreds of pounds on one night out"


If she is a real friend she will understand! If not, I wouldn't bother to even classify her as a friend.

I have actually tried the "can't afford it line" and then she changes the date, assuming I will better off at the new date or tries to reassure me how it won't be an expensive night out, but her idea of an inexpensive night must be different to mine!

clark24

Just tell her that you value her friendship but you don't have enough money in your budget to afford such extravagances. You very much enjoy spending time with her but would it be possible if you could both continue seeing each other in other ways, ones that suit your own budget. That to afford the evenings out that she organises is just something that you can no longer afford, regardless of when they are held, you have a modest income and that money is for essentials and not luxuries.

Only explain this to her once, then politely decline any invitations that are above your budget from now on, if she doesn't 'get it' then you know you tried and it is her that does not respect your financial situation.

InsideInsurance

Mojisola wrote: »

Absolutely not! It's not their money or the way they chose to spend it that would put me off going out with them - it would be because they expected me to subsidise their expense taste in drinks, because she is an awful snob and she would ridicule me if I said anything about not being able to afford the nights out. That's not a friend!

The subsidy is one example, the OP would have to confirm if its routinely the case and if its ever been brought up if it is.

Personally I normally just go with taking turns to pay the full bill unless its with a bigger group of people and then I'd always just split the bill. Either way though, sometimes it works in my favour and other times it doesnt. I am sure that with the overwhelming majority of friends its probably worked out about even in the end.

I am conscious when going out with my immediate team as we have 2 non-drinkers but one of them is always the first to say just to split it.

The only thing that would possibly make me think twice from what the OP said was the "ridicule" element but that would need some clarity on if its just a bit of light hearted teasing or real ridicule.

The chap that invited us to the night out I was uncomfortable at wants to be a snob/ high end, though isnt good at it. He isnt actually rude at all and stick to topics he knows about, like architecture, and he's interesting to spend the occasional evening with despite 90% of the time wanting to be in The Savoy's American Bar or such.

PasturesNew

Jet wrote: »

I'm quite unconfrontational, but I think I need to say something.

This is something you can never win. People who are loaded really think they're having it tough and everybody's got what they've got or more. You'll have to say "I can't afford it" and stick to your guns.

Of course you'll be called all sorts of names, and made to feel bad/guilty, as if you're lying.... but the fact is if you can't afford it, or don't find their company good value for money, then you'll end up leaving them behind.

£200 on a night out .... you could go on a holiday for that!!! I'd be choking at £20.

fivetide

Jet wrote: »

I have actually tried the "can't afford it line" and then she changes the date, assuming I will better off at the new date or tries to reassure me how it won't be an expensive night out, but her idea of an inexpensive night must be different to mine!

As above though, I think you just need to be clear - "I'll come but I'll get myself" or "Happy to split the food but I'm afraid my budget doesn't stretch to champers"


You might be right on their idea of a 'cheap' night being different to yours that is all. Perhaps £200 isn't that bad, it isn't the Ivy and all that but it is a bit off they haven't clocked this would still be too expensive when you have said you don't have the funds in the past.

That way you avoid any issues at the table because you have set it up in advance. If you keep making excuses then it is likely that you will lose the friendship because they will just give up inviting you. Whether that would bother you is a question only you can answer.


Personally, I'd try the no drinks line and see where it goes. If you can't be open and honest with a friend then they aren't really a great friend.

SandC

If that's the terms these meet ups are then I would arrange to see this friend under different circumstances. You need to sit down and really explain that those sort of nights are not your thing as you won't (not necessarily can't) justify spending that sort of money on a night out.

It's not about waiting until payday as you've said. Most MSEers have a budget whether that's a large one or a small one and this doesn't mean spending x% on what you would consider frivolities as soon as you get the pay in the bank.

This might well be the end of the road to be honest but seeing as you said she will complain at ordinary theatre seats and eating in any chain then there are few options to do anything different with her.

JReacher1

Just pay for what you've had.

I regualarly go out with a group of 5 friends and we spend around this much on a night out. However I know some of my friends can't afford that and don't pay for extravagant meals e.g. they don't order the fillet steak or lobster and only drink beers.

Therefore its unfair to make them pay an equal share.

I would just say beforehand you would just like to pay for what you've had and the rest can split it between them.

I wouldn't be surprised after you've brought this up if someone else hasn't also been a bit annoyed by this.

I seem to remember there was a friends episode about this (possible called the one with 5 steaks and an eggplant)