Share house with new husband?

Snakey

Balls to that. Here's what you should do:
1. Don't get married, or not yet anyway.
2. Put all of your income that falls into the higher-rate tax band into your employer's pension scheme. This goes some way towards equalising your gross income, and is a tax-efficient way of saving for your future.
3. Put £15k a year into a stocks and shares ISA - that's another long term investment. Together with 2, this should more or less equalise your disposable income and hey presto, nobody needs to feel a) like an unequal partner or b) under unspoken pressure to pay for everything all the time.
4. Rent out your house. This might be annoying, but I think it's what you'll have to do. Don't sell it because if you do you'll have a chunk of money and may find yourself put under pressure to spend on new place for you both and then all that's happened is you've shifted the problem. The rental income, assuming you make money after tax, can always be used to buy a second rental property.
5. Get a joint mortgage for a house that falls within your joint budget (so £120k or whatever, presumably this buys somewhere reasonable for a starter home), and choose and buy it together as a couple.
6. You will now be more or less equal partners. You'll have similar net income each month without having to do any equalisation, so he will stop feeling like a lodger or a kept man and start feeling like an equal partner who pays his half of the bills. You will also own your own home, which you both chose and bought, together, as a couple.
7. See how things go over the next five years or so. Then revisit the marriage question, if you both still want to. It could well be that once he gets his career going and his income rises, this whole thing will start to feel rather silly to both of you.

FBaby

I wouldn't be getting married to someone on such a low income when they've been subsidised so generously for so long.

I wonder how many women would never get proposed to if most men took the same attitude!

Not everyone getting married is early 20s with few or little assets in their names. Most who do divorced once will get married again, and do so when there are already children from one or both sides, and where one has buit a career and the other hasn't.

Does this mean that if a man in his 40s who has built a good career and been able to invest falls madly in love with a woman in her 30s who has two children under 10 and has mainly be a stay at home mum and never got the chance to save any extras, he should not consider marrying her until she can sort herself out, get a career, start investing until he can be totally confident that she is not marrying him for his money and what she could get if they then divorced?

missprice

FBaby wrote: »

Indeed, it may sound very silly, but I felt that too until I was married. I think it comes down to the fact that it is hard to feel at home and attached to a place when you know that any moment, you could be asked to take your things and get out. A home is more than bricks and mortar. It's your own place of comfort, where you know you are safe.

I went from almost feeling like a stranger in the house to loving it even more than OH. It's a natural process to protect yourself emotionally from things you know are not yours, and when it comes to a home, it is hard to feel detached from something that should be your anchor, especially when sharing it with the person you love and are totally committed to.

It certainly never was anything to do with gaining financially in my case. That had so little significance compared to the need to feel that my home was my sanctuary.

Now I too know how this feels ( I have a fall back position mind) have moved in with OH and its his house and he is paying all bills. And even though I have a home of my own so that if this goes pear shaped I can just leave, I have found myself downsizing all my stuff to fit in a few boxes. If it came to it I could just call a taxi, put my few boxes in and never have to come back. A bit sad but it made me feel better that way.

Now previously we lived in my house and i assume OH felt this way, yet never once did he say he wanted to be on deeds or wanted any share or had to have something that made him feel safer.
On the other hand if he was made homeless by me, he has siblings and parents to go crash with.

Anyway for OP keep your house however you can and don't get married til partner accepts that.

With the kind of money your both earning you can buy a lovely home together that he can have a share of

Eta I don't want and have not asked for any part of partners house.

Magsnoodle

Hi

Just reading through your thread and thinking wow!!!! My "now" husband moved into MY house 10 years ago - we married 4 years ago and he had no capital to come with him. Had just gone through a divorce and is many years older - lost the house but kept his pension. Originally I planned to put him on the deeds but decided against it due to issues with my stepson wanting his dad to be guarantor for his own mortgage - they have their own money problems and no cut off point when spending - so would not want to go down that route. Therefore I have refused to let him go on the deeds and it seems to be accepted. Although if I am honest we haven't spoken about it for a while. I have said to him that this way it means he can't be put in the position of having to make a choice if it is not an option for him.

However, I also know that if anything happened between us now that he could argue that he has paid half of the bills since moving in. To be fair the relationship is tight so can't see anything happening....But you never know.

Hope you are able to make whatever decision is right for you. You can have all the advice you want but in the head you need to make the decision that is right for you. Take care and God Bless.

TTFN xxx

bellaboo86

I think the person with the problem here is your other half. I previously lived with someone and the house was theirs. I still considered it to be my home and contributed to decorating and furniture ( I took the furtniture when we split). However I don't begrudge what I spent on the decorating as it made my home at the time nicer while I was there, plus I doubt I spent more overall than if I was renting on my own.
Now I have my own house, I have to say I would very much begrudge adding anyone to the mortgage. I paid the deposit, I've done it up (with the help of my parents) so why should I add someone else? Also, as unromantic as it sounds should anything now go wrong with a partner it's my house!

BitterAndTwisted

FBaby wrote: »

I wonder how many women would never get proposed to if most men took the same attitude!

Not everyone getting married is early 20s with few or little assets in their names.

But we're not discussing anyone else's circumstances, we're discussing a couple in the same, very young age-group with no dependents or a divorce behind them. This is a couple with one party having embarked on their career earning a very substantial salary and the other who's been studying and in their first job, earning very little. Who wants their hands on half of the property. A property they haven't paid anything towards, and is unlikely to be in a position to for some time, even if it was mortgaged.

I don't like the sound of this fellow at all.

foreign_correspondent

MaryJo wrote: »

Our plan had always be to take advantage of the 'mortgage free situation' and stay in my house for a few years to save money for a deposit for a new 'marital home' together from our joint bank account.

We would then rent my house and pay that money into our joint bank account (along with our salaries).

In my head, it made perfect sense. But in his head (and I can understand it slightly), I will always have this second property which is very much "mine" - which will add to inequality - which is already potentially an issue because I earn 3x more than him.

Argh, I don't know what to do!

Do what you were going to do, it makes perfect sense. The marriage isn't financially equal and he needs to get used to that. You giving him half of your assets wont make it equal either.

duchy

As under English law if a couple have a "short marriage" a court will make an order putting them back to roughly where they were before the marriage took place .......and a short marriage is defined as five years -Surely a change in ownership at the five year mark would be most appropriate ?

That way he's no better or worse off married under scottish law and that way no-one will think he's a gold digger !

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't involve your home in this. Its your security.
Unfortunately I was in sort of the same position as you (although my earnings were lower than my ex's
, but I owned my own home). We were together 5 years before I sold my home and bought one together. He had no deposit, no assests.

Biggest mistake of my life. We split after living together for 5years in our joint home. He got into masses of debt. My idea to split up. I lost 50% off the house and had to start again in my 40s with a mortgage.

What you have/had is yours, even if you were with him when you got/paid off the mortgage.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I doubt he would want to loose his financial stability and home. Harsh as you may think it is. The property is yours. Could you afford to loose half of it if you were to get divorced.

Think of yourself. Its not selfish to. Its self preservation.

FBaby

Its self preservation.

Is there such a word in marriage? Maybe it should be re-rewritten! In sickness and health and self-preservation