Share house with new husband?

MaryJo

I am in a position where I am engaged to be married. I earn more and we live together in my house, which is fully paid off and has no mortgage.

My husband to be feels that, after marriage, all assets and finances should be joined - including ownership of my house. He feels that everything should be equal and we should pay both of our salaries into a joint account from which all bills are taken and from which, we would both each take the same monthly personal 'allowance' - let's say £500.

My original plan had been to join up finances after marriage but keep my house 'separate' as a pre-marital asset. My husband to be is unhappy about this and feels like I am not fully committing into the marriage and the 'what's mine is yours' philosophy. He feels like I am already trying to protect myself in the event of divorce even before the marriage has begun. He feels like it will be difficult for us to be true equals in the marriage when I own a house which is separate from him.

I am really just interested in what your thoughts are. I am torn between being sensible financially and realising that I am being unromantic and perhaps not starting my marriage on the best footing.

*max*

If he wants to go there, it could also be said that giving him half the house now would only make a difference in the event of a short marriage (under 5 five years I think)...so he is thinking about the possibility of divorce as well - it's not just you. He's being a tad hypocritical here.

The house not being half his won't make a jot of difference if you stay together until your death (and make sure you have wills!).

MaryJo

I should add that I live in Scotland, where pre-marital assets are honoured for life.

The ultimate question is: "Do I change the title deeds of the house to have both of our names at the point we get married" and accept that I will lose half upon potential divorce?

Tigsteroonie

Is he effectively blackmailing you with "If you really loved me, you'd give me half of the house"?

MaryJo

I would not use the word "blackmail", but essentially, yes.

His argument is that we will not be equals in our marriage or in our home if I own the property - completely separately from him.

Mojisola

MaryJo wrote: »

My husband to be feels that, after marriage, all assets and finances should be joined - including ownership of my house.

He feels that everything should be equal and we should pay both of our salaries into a joint account from which all bills are taken and from which, we would both each take the same monthly personal 'allowance' - let's say £500.

MaryJo wrote: »

The ultimate question is: "Do I change the title deeds of the house to have both of our names at the point we get married" and accept that I will lose half upon potential divorce?

If you're earning similar amounts, doesn't he have capital to bring into the marriage which would also be shared 50/50?

Will he go ahead with the marriage if you decide to keep the house as 'yours'?

Will you feel blackmailed by him if you change the ownership of the house?

MaryJo

Mojisola wrote: »

If you're earning similar amounts, doesn't he have capital to bring into the marriage which would also be shared 50/50?

Will he go ahead with the marriage if you decide to keep the house as 'yours'?

Will you feel blackmailed by him if you change the ownership of the house?

1. We are not earning similar amounts. I earn 3x more. We are both in our mid-20s and he has no capital to bring.

2. I don't know. I think so, but perhaps with some discontent.

3. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel pressured, but I can't decide if I'm simply having commitment issues. I hate the idea of spoiling our marriage over money issues.

Beckyy

Income wise... why not have a joint account for bills/expenses, then pay in amounts equal to comparison to what you earn?

Say you earn £30,000 and OH earns £20,000 you would pay in 3/5 or the bills and he would pay 2/5. We do this, it means that all bills and important finances are joint and equal in comparison to what you each earn however you still have your own money. Birthday presents wouldn't be much of a surprise if your OH logged into your online banking and saw exactly where you'd been shopping? I don't think it's necessary to suddenly have a single joint bank account just because you're married.

If you're in a long term relationship I really don't think marriage should change anything - why should getting married mean everything needs to suddenly be put into joint names if you're already living living together with the intentions of spending the foreseeable future together?

So, I guess my answer would be no. I probably wouldn't put the house in joint names just because you're getting married, unless you decide to move and buy a new property together. It's just unnecessary conveyancing fees. It sounds like he feels slightly emasculated by you earning more and bringing more into the relationship.

Can I ask what your current set up is now with regards to general living costs?

Tigsteroonie

MaryJo wrote: »

I would not use the word "blackmail", but essentially, yes.

His argument is that we will not be equals in our marriage or in our home if I own the property - completely separately from him.

Are you sure you want to be married to this man?

Seriously though, what is he offering into this "marriage of equals"? What's yours is his, and what is his is his own?

Call his bluff. Tell him you'll get round to it, and then don't. If he reacts badly, then it is obvious that owning the house was more important to him than being married to you.

MaryJo

Beckyy wrote: »

Income wise... why not have a joint account for bills/expenses, then pay in amounts equal to comparison to what you earn?

Say you earn £30,000 and OH earns £20,000 you would pay in 3/5 or the bills and he would pay 2/5. We do this, it means that all bills and important finances are joint and equal in comparison to what you each earn however you still have your own money. Birthday presents wouldn't be much of a surprise if your OH logged into your online banking and saw exactly where you'd been shopping? I don't think it's necessary to suddenly have a single joint bank account just because you're married.

If you're in a long term relationship I really don't think marriage should change anything - why should getting married mean everything needs to suddenly be put into joint names if you're already living living together with the intentions of spending the foreseeable future together?

So, I guess my answer would be no. I probably wouldn't put the house in joint names just because you're getting married, unless you decide to move and buy a new property together. It's just unnecessary conveyancing fees.

Can I ask what your current set up is now with regards to general living costs?

The problem with this is that we both have different amounts of personal income available to us. I earn £70k+ and he earns just over £20k. I do not feel it would be 'equal' for us to pay the same amount into a joint account.

To be honest, I am quite happy with paying my £70k and his £20k salaries into a joint account, paying all of the bills from it, and each taking, say, £500 per month for 'personal expenses'. My problem is, my house is such a huge asset and it is very much pre-marital, that I am not sure if I should 'share' it.

That said, I see his point of view, where he would be living in MY house and would perhaps not feel like an equal.

fairy_lights

How interesting that this thread comes so soon after another thread about pre-nups.
I can understand why your husband feels the way he does, you want to keep the house you live in as something that is totally your own - but you're married and presumably committed to each other for life. Is he really supposed to spend his whole life living in a house that is 'yours' and never his? If you had other assets you wanted to keep separate it might be different but how can the house feel like a home for both of you when it's so definitely your own?
And what would happen if he contributes financially or time-wise to any home improvements? he would be adding to the value of your house and if you did split how would you compensate him for that?