Share house with new husband?

eskimo26

Forget the wedding- he needs the extra time to build up enough savings to buy his own place so he can feel 'equal' to you, then he can marry you.

Shouldn't be hard for him considering your covering the majority of costs!

Homeownertobe

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Historically, men have earnt more than women - it's only recently that sometimes women are the higher earners.

Does that mean that for years men have resented funding their wives holidays and cars, particularly for non earning wives?

I think not.

So why would a woman get resentful, when men don't?

You've answered your own question.

bylromarha

I kinda get this. My sister entered her marriage in 2010 with far more than BIL.

BIL didn't give a fig that she had a house when they got married and she carried on paying the mortgage, and he didn't.

BIL and sister have just got back together after a 6 month break up. One of the first things sister said to me when they split up was "I'm glad I didn't put his name on the deeds" . One of the things that came up in their break up was the fact that he never felt like the place was his home as she'd been living there for so long before him, he always felt like a lodger. So it is a real feeling.

However, BIL still never asked to be put on the deeds though. He doesn't see it as a sign of love and commitment, more of a sign of "we lived lives before this marriage". As does my sister.

I think the best solution is to buy a marital home, rent out existing place, and go from there sharing all bills. If he still has a problem not owning half the house as he sees you lacking commitment through it, then gently point out that if marriage is for life then this ownership really shouldn't bother him either way as it's you he's marrying, not the house.

If he keeps on about it, is it a deal breaker for you OP? That's only something you can decide.

FBaby

he never felt like the place was his home as she'd been living there for so long before him, he always felt like a lodger. So it is a real feeling.

Indeed, it may sound very silly, but I felt that too until I was married. I think it comes down to the fact that it is hard to feel at home and attached to a place when you know that any moment, you could be asked to take your things and get out. A home is more than bricks and mortar. It's your own place of comfort, where you know you are safe.

I went from almost feeling like a stranger in the house to loving it even more than OH. It's a natural process to protect yourself emotionally from things you know are not yours, and when it comes to a home, it is hard to feel detached from something that should be your anchor, especially when sharing it with the person you love and are totally committed to.

It certainly never was anything to do with gaining financially in my case. That had so little significance compared to the need to feel that my home was my sanctuary.

makeitstop

MaryJo wrote: »

1. We are not earning similar amounts. I earn 3x more. We are both in our mid-20s and he has no capital to bring.

2. I don't know. I think so, but perhaps with some discontent.

3. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel pressured, but I can't decide if I'm simply having commitment issues. I hate the idea of spoiling our marriage over money issues.

Op, I have only read up to this post so far, but here's my take on it.

If I thought the world of you and wanted to be married to you, then to me that's what the deal is mainly about. Whatever you, I or "we" might have in our lives would be shared equally anyway, as we would be married. Over time, (and I mean years not weeks or months) then you may feel that you wanted to change the ownership of what "was" yours before we were together and make it "ours" but that would be your decision. If I were happy to be with you, then it wouldn't matter a great deal to me if I were joint owner of the house we lived in together.

Of course, a will is important, and I would feel it was right if assets were passed to the surviving spouse should anything happen in the way most marriages would have it.

To me, he has a strange view of what's important, and seems to be losing sight of what this might feel like for you.

I hope you work it out.

makeitstop

spiritsfree wrote: »

Life isn`t perfect. As we get older we do have an amount of life experience to fall back on, which gives us a better idea of life....and even love and relationships !! With what I have read, this chap feels he needs to have 50% of a house he has not contributed to in order to feel equal ? It belongs to the young lady, mortgage free, prior to them marrying....it is something the young lady has gained for her future. The young man contributes very little compared to the young lady, and could look forward to a happy life together. Its NOT about possessions but love, and if the young man loved with his heart, possessions wouldn`t come into it. He could see that he has a very comfortable life....without the house in question.....and if he has "Issues", which most young people have, about equality, then it shouldn`t be off-loaded on to his future wife. "It`s an issue that he is bringing into the relationship", and he should confront it !! The young lady seems very mature for her young years and is right to question this issue,as it feels wrong with the information provided by the young lady. She has, by whatever means, provided for a future, however to give away 50% of her investments in that, feels totally foolish and unnecessary. This young man could appreciate what he`s got and NOT manipulate and want what he himself can`t give !! He should be happy with a good, loving, sensible woman, who thinks and feels.... "Just my honest opinion"

Now I have read it all, I agree 100% with this.

You nailed it Spiritsfree.

vroombroom

Hi MaryJo, I haven't read all the posts so I do apologise but I'd recommend reading JackRS's thread - Separated, how much should I provide?x

diable

FBaby wrote: »

This made me laugh! For all we know, OP is a model and relying on her looks for her income which might very well take a nose dive in a few years, whilst her fiance, who now has gained a PhD might start his career and end up in 10 years time earning 50 times what OP will be able to bring home!

I doubt it as she wouldn't be on a forum full of losers like the rest of us :D:A

diable

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Historically, men have earnt more than women - it's only recently that sometimes women are the higher earners.

Does that mean that for years men have resented funding their wives holidays and cars, particularly for non earning wives?

I think not.

So why would a woman get resentful, when men don't?

99% of Men are insecure and !!!!!! ask any woman, luckily I am in the 1%

anotheruser

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Call his bluff. Tell him you'll get round to it, and then don't.

That's "not calling his bluff" - it's simply outright deceit.

MaryJo wrote: »

That said, I see his point of view, where he would be living in MY house and would perhaps not feel like an equal.

And this is probably the reason.

You already earn three times more than him, have a house that's paid off, mid 20's? You're in a position that 99% of mid 20's aren't.

While you know your man more than any of us, I would certainly feel like you would leave me for someone of your own "social class" at any given moment.

You haven't really stated why you would want to keep it as just yours? While it's a great achievement; I feel for you and your position.

Why not look for a marital home as soon as you are married and SELL your house. That way, you don't need to put anything in his name.
But it goes back to the question of why you want to keep the house all to yourself? I sort of understand why you would want to, in a way, but at the same time, if you're committing together then it should be everything, warts and all!
Keeping separate things only introduces doubt; or would with me anyway - especially given the differences in income and life positions.

You could buy a smaller property for rental income and get a small mortgage (with a healthy deposit!) that you can easily pay off in 10/15 years time.