Marriage Before Babies or Vice Versa?

DKLS

Marriage first then no babies.

Its a decision that works for us and judging by our friends who do have kids its the best decision ever, and in hindsight I wish I had the snip aged 18.

One friend now has adult children and despite being showered with love, attention and money both kids have turned out crap and said last week he wished he didn't have any.

mogwai

fairy_lights wrote: »

Not sure I agree with this.
My mother married her first husband back in the 70's because she was pregnant and didn't want to be seen as one of those shameful women who have children out of wedlock. Their marriage was essentialy a sham based around doing the 'right' thing and getting married before having children - it certainly didn't create a stable home as the divorced after a few years.
I'm sure they weren't the only couple to marry for that reason.

Fairy lights your parents story kind of supports transformers point..

Tiddlywinks

fairy_lights wrote: »

Not sure I agree with this.
My mother married her first husband back in the 70's because she was pregnant and didn't want to be seen as one of those shameful women who have children out of wedlock. Their marriage was essentialy a sham based around doing the 'right' thing and getting married before having children - it certainly didn't create a stable home as the divorced after a few years.
I'm sure they weren't the only couple to marry for that reason.

But that's a clear example of having a child before the relationship is mature enough to support a family unit. They didn't really do the marriage BEFORE children did they? Shotgun weddings are not the same thing as planning a family AFTER marriage.

If they had spent time getting to know each other first then they may never have had children together - which would have been kinder to all concerned.

Buzzybee90

I disagree that having children is more of a commitment, though it's certainly more of a tie.

But lots of people in casual relationships (or less) have children, but it's a lot harder to accidentally get married.

fairy_lights

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But that's a clear example of having a child before the relationship is mature enough to support a family unit. They didn't really do the marriage BEFORE children did they? Shotgun weddings are not the same thing as planning a family AFTER marriage.

If they had spent time getting to know each other first then they may never have had children together - which would have been kinder to all concerned.

I see your point, yes thinking about it my story does kind of reinforce Transformers point
I still think though that a lot of the marriages in 'the good old days' were shotgun marriages and a lot of people wouldn't have wed or stayed together if they'd had the choice. Also my mums pregnancy was accidental - I'm sure in an ideal world she would much rather have waited a few years but accidents happen and people can't always marry before having kids even if that was their plan.

Tiddlywinks

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

I disagree that having children is more of a commitment, it's certainly more of a tie.

But lots of people in casual relationships (or less) have children, but it's a lot harder to accidentally get married.

Why would you have a child in a 'casual relationship'? WHY?

And let's not go down the 'accidents happen' route. It's not an accident to get pregnant with consensual sex - it's careless.

Yes, the pill is less than 100% effective etc etc BUT people need to take a bit of personal responsibility.

Children deserve to have both parents in their lives for as long as possible - anything other than a long term, committed relationship should be a 'no go' for starting a family.

Buzzybee90

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why would you have a child in a 'casual relationship'? WHY?

And let's not go down the 'accidents happen' route. It's not an accident to get pregnant with consensual sex - it's careless.

Yes, the pill is less than 100% effective etc etc BUT people need to take a bit of personal responsibility.

Children deserve to have both parents in their lives for as long as possible - anything other than a long term, committed relationship should be a 'no go' for starting a family.

Yes, I agree.

Hence why I don't think the above constitutes commitment.

lulu_92

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why would you have a child in a 'casual relationship'? WHY?

And let's not go down the 'accidents happen' route. It's not an accident to get pregnant with consensual sex - it's careless.

Yes, the pill is less than 100% effective etc etc BUT people need to take a bit of personal responsibility.

Children deserve to have both parents in their lives for as long as possible - anything other than a long term, committed relationship should be a 'no go' for starting a family.

I agree.

Although my parents were married for four years before I was born, they split three years later and I've not seen my "dad" for 17 years. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean that both parents will be there for as long as possible. Obviously as a child I deserved both parents to be around for the rest of their lives but it doesn't work that way.

j.e.j.

KatieDee wrote: »

Hello everybody,

This is purely down to me being a nosey parker but I'd really like to hear your views on the above.

I am now coming to the age when marriage and babies are somewhat expected from the in-laws and extended family. I would like both, although both are dependant on the attitude of my partner (whom I have been with for six years).

In my mind, I have decided that I simply MUST be married before having children. This is mostly due to the fact I don't think I could justify the cost of even a small wedding when I had a baby. I have a feeling I would continue to put it off. However, realistically I would be more than happy to have a baby now without getting married.

So....how did you do it?

Babies first?

Marriage first?

Babies with no marriage up until now?

Marriage with no babies?

And looking back, how do you feel about your choices?

I am assuming that however it happens, you learn to cope and make the best out of your situation, even if out of your control. I would just like to hear some first hand experiences

Marriage should come first, imo, but it often doesn't.

You should be strongly committed to each other before bringing children into the world.

red_devil

Im abit cynical perhaps but so many have children without knowing each other for very long. Its all exciting when the baby is born, everyone wants to make a fuss of him or her, but when its comes to the nitty gritty of day to day life together alot of people split up.

A few years down the line they are with someone else and perhaps got a child or two with them. People not getting married and not sticking together has made life so much more complicated. The stress on stepfamilies must be huge trying to please everyone and get to see everyone equally.

Things have changed but its not necessarily for the better. No we font want to go back to the days of taking children away from unmarried mums but if people are honest dont they agree things have gone abit too much the other way now.