Marriage over/affair?? Advice pls!

Mupette

So glad your not my husband calling me LAZY

Lets put aside what she has done with another man. And all other things

I have MS, I look ok, there is nothing to indicate i have a degenerative disease that has no cure, remember that bit OP.

Because there are days that to just get out of bed is enough to put me back to bed, i also work part time, and that can be just all i can manage.

Thank god i have a wonderful husband who doesn't mind that when he gets back from his stressful long hours job that he may have to cook and clean, and look after me, think it was the marriage vows in sickness and in health..

As a supportive husband i would of thought you would of read up on everything there was to know about living with someone with MS,

I wonder by reading what you have said that perhaps you drove her to another man's arms? be honest did you ever belittle her, undermine her, even as a joke.

Believe me unless you walk a mile in my shoes, you dont come across as having a clue

Mojisola

Mupette wrote: »

I wonder by reading what you have said that perhaps you drove her to another man's arms? be honest did you ever belittle her, undermine her, even as a joke.

This is not an 'excuse'.

If the relationship between the two of them is not good, that needs to be addressed. Going behind a partner's back to have a relationship with someone else puts you in the wrong.

C_Mababejive

Go have a briefing with a solicitor and bin her off. She is mugging you over not only with her gambling debt but also her secret affair. The only thing you are there for is to pay the bills. End it now before it kills you.

ognum

Woodycuk wrote: »

Hi All,
Apologies in advance for the long story but am in real need of some relationship/legal advice!
Brief background...wife & I have been together 15yrs, married for last 5yrs, joint mortgage/homeowners for 10yrs & have one child (son) aged 9yrs. Wife diagnosed with MS when son 6 months old although touching wood she is healthy enough to work albeit part time & lead the best life she/we can.
So as with any relationship its had its up/downs although we aren't the sort of couple who have major bust ups/rows, this in turn has mean't our son has been bought up in a very loving/stable relationship.
Despite the set back with her illness we have faced every hurdle together, I try to be a supportive/loving husband but it can be very hard work. Over recent years though our relationship has turned more into a co-existence/sharing the same home/bed but not the loving partnership it once was.
I work in a high stress/long hour job, she only works part time/school hours but is increasingly working from home due to the work load of her own job. But needs must to pay bills/mortgage. After long days at work I then start my 2nd shift in tidying the house/cooking meals because at times the wife doesn't lift a finger. She may be ill & at times her capabilities are restricted by the MS but in real terms she is equally just plan LAZY. I never used to tackle this issue, always bottled my feelings up & gradually turned more to alcohol to deal with home life & work life. Not quite alcoholic but would drink at least 2-3 bottles/cans a day.
During a mini family hol in Oct words where exchanged during a rare argument but she made reference to having another 'boyf'. This played on my mind and whilst she was asleep I looked through her phone to find text to a friend stating 'its all back on with Mr.....'! Now I don't make habit of trawling through her things but with what she said & what I'd read I tackled her on what's going on. She tied herself up in lies & excuses before eventually telling me she'd been emailing/talking to a married man through Tinder...had met on a couple of occasions one of which I knew she'd lied on her whereabouts. She was all very sorry but had turned to talking to someone else as we hadn't been getting on, she promised/swore on our sons life that she hadn't physically cheated though. Despite thinking it was the end & no way forward we agreed to give it another go, make more time for one & other for the sake of what we did have and our son. I for one promised to give up on my As you can imagine though I had my doubts whether she has had an affair or not.
Fast forward 4 months, not a great deal has changed other than I've been behaving myself with alcohol but she hasn't improved on her housework skills/assisting me around the house. We weren't getting on any better & then I stumbled across a batch of her mobile phone bills. After a bit of detective work it transpired the man she'd met via Tinder in Aug 2014 had actually been talking to her since at least Feb 2014...so 12months+.
Confronted her which my latest evidence & she admitted to bending the truth in Oct, hiding the extent but sill swore blind it was nothing more than friendship/someone to talk to as to be honest its not something as a couple we are too good at anymore! This time blazing row, I told her to leave..she refused saying she had technically done anything wrong. I told her lots of home truths/vented 2yrs worth of bottled up frustrations which I think surprised her somewhat.
Eventually when all calmed down we talked at length, lots of tears on her part stating she didn't want to lose me. We agreed to give it a proper go & for a period of 2-3 weeks she helped loads around the house, we made time for one another & finally looked like we could make it work. Sadly in the last 2wks things have turned to the old ways although we are getting on okish, but I'm really suspicious again! So much so I've been looking at secret cameras/GPS trackers to see if I can catch her out. Although I'm fairly confident she has had very little time to meet up with this mystery man.
Today I set a camcorder up in my living room & set it to film the time between me leaving for work & her leaving for work...this was the regular time she'd ring this man from her phone bills. At lunchtime I went home to review the footage a as suspected she had a 25min chat with this married man. The chat itself wouldn't ordinarily lead you to believe they were madly in love/having an affair but it was friendly all the same.
So what do I do know? Where do I stand legally if I had it out with her & asked her to leave? This is the most calm I've been about the situation but I just think the damage is done...I can't trust her anymore & perhaps I'd be happier without her in my life?? Given the illness & her capabilities I would certainly fight for part custody as at times she cannot look after herself let alone our son.
If this ended up going down the separation route or even divorce where to I stand legally? Is she entitled to half of everything we own? Added complication is she has been blown thousands on gambling over the years & sadly I've had to bail her out a few times by bumping up the mortgage plus I have a large loan taken out for her in my name? Our house is approx. 180k but now with 140k mortgage & I don't much in way of spare cash to start paying her to live in our house with me elsewhere or pay her half what its worth..paying her maintenance etc etc. Logical way forward would be sell the family home but would I have to split the profit 50/50 given the debts I have in her name & mortgage is as high as it is due to her gambling??
Would appreciate any sound advice about relationship & where you lovely peeps think I stand legally!!
Hope I haven't bored you all to tears but thanks for listening anyway.

Yours Woody

I think it's time to separate, I would not normally say this as I think things can be worked on but from your post I don't think you even like your wife, let alone love her.

Sort out your finances, have an amicable agreement around your child and get on with a life without lies, blame and pain.

FabFifty

Sounds as though trust is lost. Ask yourself "is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?"
Visit a solicitor for current sensible advice before making any rash decisions.

ognum

Mupette wrote: »

So glad your not my husband calling me LAZY

Lets put aside what she has done with another man. And all other things

I have MS, I look ok, there is nothing to indicate i have a degenerative disease that has no cure, remember that bit OP.

Because there are days that to just get out of bed is enough to put me back to bed, i also work part time, and that can be just all i can manage.

Thank god i have a wonderful husband who doesn't mind that when he gets back from his stressful long hours job that he may have to cook and clean, and look after me, think it was the marriage vows in sickness and in health..

As a supportive husband i would of thought you would of read up on everything there was to know about living with someone with MS,

I wonder by reading what you have said that perhaps you drove her to another man's arms? be honest did you ever belittle her, undermine her, even as a joke.

Believe me unless you walk a mile in my shoes, you dont come across as having a clue

In fairness to the OP to different people with MS can have very different symptoms and illness progression so his wife may not be like you at all.

raven83

The fact you're having to secretly film your wife and the fact she continues to speak to this married man, suggests it is time to end the relationship as it really doesn't sound healthy at all.

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

The thing is, all you've found so far is that she is not being honest with her being friendly with a man. That doesn't go very far in proving that she is cheating on you.

I think you need to put this cheating suspicions aside and decide whether you still want to spend the rest of your life with her.

No need to hide, lie about and then continue contact in the same vein if a connection with someone is innocent and nothing that should cause a partner concern. To do so shows no regard for his feelings or the damage that will be caused to the trust between them. You don't purposefully do that to someone that you love and care about. However you decide to proceed OP try to stay calm and amicable for your sons sake. He loves and needs you both equally.

pogofish

FabFifty wrote: »

Sounds as though trust is lost. Ask yourself "is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?"
Visit a solicitor for current sensible advice before making any rash decisions.

This! You don't need to demean yourself further by trying to prove anything. You should be taking advice before ending it.

Guest101

I don't think u can ignore the lies, there's some emotional cheating going on.

Video taping her can be seen as prudent and controlling at the same time. I'm inclined to agree with the former, if someone lies to you, who really shouldn't. Then the offended party should be able to gather evidence.

But is it worth it?