Marriage over/affair?? Advice pls!

Guest101

I think, given that the (sometimes bizarre) divorce proceedings will indeed mean that the OP's wife gets half of everything, and custody of their child.

This is an opportunity for the OP to get a 'win', a clear conscience to move on. Walk away head held high.

Cheating is more than just a breach of trust, it can really hit at the core of a person.

People often dont see it as:
He/She was unfaithful, that they wanted something different.

Often it's:
He/She was unfaithful, they wanted something BETTER.

It often hits at the self confidence and self belief

tomtontom

justme111 wrote: »

Op , I am afraid you don't realise just how financially bad divorce is going to be for you if you ask whether she indeed entitled to 50% share. She is likely to get MORE , not less than 50% as her earning capacity is far less and is likely to have child residency unless she herself want him to live with you. I see how you think her talking to someone /having had debts should mean she gets less and my gut feeling it will be a messy divorce with mud slinging because you will not take for an answer that those facts are irrelevant in financial settlement.

This ^^

Plus they're likely to allow her to stay in the house until the child is 18, so any equity won't be realisable until then. OP don't waste your money on silly covert surveillance, you're going to need every penny to live on.

paddy's_mum

Deceit kills marriages.

I don't think the wife is actually being unfaithful physically but in the OP's shoes, I would be wanting to confirm my suspicions about her lies and dishonesty. If a camcorder was the only available way to do so, I'd have no compunction about it whatever. The OP surely deserves to know what the truth is.

How can any of us make sensible and reasoned choices about such a huge step as divorce based on doubts and guesswork, especially when a child is involved? It is an invasion, I agree, but there ought to be nothing to discover.

I'd also say that to be sure of your facts is to be released from the shackles of uncertainty and dread which must currently be crucifying the OP.

Nobody likes the neighbourhood snoop but equally, why must this husband tolerate such a massive blow to the trust which is such a major component of any relationship?

ripplyuk

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Nobody likes the neighbourhood snoop but equally, why must this husband tolerate such a massive blow to the trust which is such a major component of any relationship?

He shouldn't tolerate it. He doesn't trust his partner so their relationship is already over.

No need to resort to covertly filming his wife.

VestanPance

Your wife is cheating scum. Kick her to the kerb and move on to a better life.

justme111

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Deceit kills marriages.

I don't think the wife is actually being unfaithful physically but in the OP's shoes, I would be wanting to confirm my suspicions about her lies and dishonesty. If a camcorder was the only available way to do so, I'd have no compunction about it whatever. The OP surely deserves to know what the truth is.

How can any of us make sensible and reasoned choices about such a huge step as divorce based on doubts and guesswork, especially when a child is involved? It is an invasion, I agree, but there ought to be nothing to discover.

I'd also say that to be sure of your facts is to be released from the shackles of uncertainty and dread which must currently be crucifying the OP.

Nobody likes the neighbourhood snoop but equally, why must this husband tolerate such a massive blow to the trust which is such a major component of any relationship?

the decisions to take - you mean whether to keep trying to cohabit or to divorce decision ? So you think they have chances to transform it into a happy relationship ? If they do , would it be right not to take those chances because she slept with someone ? If they dont than how does it matter that she sleep with anyone ?

duchy

-taff wrote: »

She is your wife, she is entitled to half [if not more] of everything you own, you will have to find out who will get custody of your child, in all likeliehood, it will be you moving out, not her, and you will still be paying child support etc.
I would also try counselling, you are spying on her now because you don't trust her and it will only get worse.

It sounds miserable
One thing that struck me is you say you are coming home every night and drinking-regular drinking can cause paranoia - and make things worse.

Frankly if my partner had set up a secret camcorder to record me because he didn't trust me -it'd be over regardless. That's not marriage it's misery.

Financially you are going to be a lot worse off if you split-but there's a child stuck in the middle of a home where a parent thinks spying is appropriate -and for the sake of the child alone it's probably better to end it. No child deserves to live in that kind of environment.

SuzieSue

Based on what happened when my husband divorced - you will have any loans in your name will be treated as yours alone regardless of why you took them out and any assets will be split either equally or in favour of the person who will be your child's main carer.

Marker_2

My other suggestion is to pull yourself together. She will have an upper hand if you are drinking. So stop. Be the best.

justme111

No child deserves to live in that kind of environment.[/QUOTE]

Thats a bit idealistic. To be fair it can be said about majority / a lot of parents. How is using cameras on one occasion worse than arguing? Or shouting at a child ? Or drinking? Or parents simply feeling miserable / suffering with depression ? Or them split and one of them not showing much interest in a child ? Or parents being stressed with money worries ? Working all the time ? Having poor self esteem ? I would say cameras are probably the lightest in this list in my opinion. When i look around i dont see perfect people / parents. Saying children deserve better unless one is perfect is harsh and judgemental methinks.