Marriage over/affair?? Advice pls!

TrickyWicky

ripplyuk wrote: »

He shouldn't tolerate it. He doesn't trust his partner so their relationship is already over.

No need to resort to covertly filming his wife.

Well it's a tactic the BBC promote - remember Max and Stacey?

At the end of the day if the op has reason to suspect she is having an affair then he has every right to find out any way that he can. She has been far from honest so far and is continuing to lie to him about her contact with this man.

That is not acceptable in a relationship or marriage unless one partner has written off the relationship and by the sounds of it, she has.

duchy

It may be harsh but it's also true

If the OP is happy for his child to remember a childhood where his parents mistrusted each other .....resorted to secret filming and drinking and lying -then that's fine .....alternatively some parents would get themselves and their child out of that kind of environment in favour of a less toxic homelife.

Everyone has choices they can make.

No-one expects parents to be perfect but most decent parents try to do their best for their kids.

justme111 wrote: »

No child deserves to live in that kind of environment.

Thats a bit idealistic. To be fair it can be said about majority / a lot of parents. How is using cameras on one occasion worse than arguing? Or shouting at a child ? Or drinking? Or parents simply feeling miserable / suffering with depression ? Or them split and one of them not showing much interest in a child ? Or parents being stressed with money worries ? Working all the time ? Having poor self esteem ? I would say cameras are probably the lightest in this list in my opinion. When i look around i dont see perfect people / parents. Saying children deserve better unless one is perfect is harsh and judgemental methinks.[/QUOTE]

Babbawah

Trust is the basic foundation. The single, most important building block. From this solid rock, everything else stems.

Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Morglin

Woodycuk wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate your perspective, I have been nothing but a caring/supportive husband over the years. I may not physically have his awful, incurable disease but I have been living/breathing MS ever since my wifes diagnosis. I have had to live through every mood swing/the depression/the on off invisible symptoms/drug therapies...everything except having the damn illness myself! As you say in sickness & in health.
Perhaps lazy was maybe harsh but by her own admittance very recently she knows she can do a lot more but she doesn't bother as she knows I'll eventually do it.
I have had my faults & I've worked hard to rectify them but belittling or undermining my wife...never.

You may have "lived through' her MS with her, but trust me, you have no real idea of how a degenerative neurone disease can affect everything, including motivation :wall:

What with your apparent lack of empathy, tracking ideas, and hidden cameras etc., I am not surprised she has found friendship and support elsewhere.

Lin

Mojisola

Morglin wrote: »

You may have "lived through' her MS with her, but trust me, you have no real idea of how a degenerative neurone disease can affect everything, including motivation :wall:

What with your apparent lack of empathy, tracking ideas, and hidden cameras etc., I am not surprised she has found friendship and support elsewhere.

That's still no excuse for not sorting out the problems within the relationship or finishing the relationship before finding someone more supportive.

I've got a longterm health problem and my dear OH has often had to take on all the household tasks as well as work but he knows I do what I can when I'm well enough because he can see that and because we talk about what happening and how I'm feeling.

I couldn't live with one man while taking emotional comfort from another and lying to my OH about it.

Mupette

Marker wrote: »

You are quite clearly giving this woman the green light to do whatever she wants just because she has MS. There is never an excuse for cheating of any kind.

Also FYI you don't think your husbands health is suffering working long hours, supporting the family and doing everything in the house.

No i think you chose your own words in your own mouth, you know i didn't say anything of the sort. So wasnt clear at all was it hmm.

Perhaps you misunderstood what i wrote, I said to the op putting aside the things she 'has done' i was more shocked by his own admission calling his wife lazy, go back he admits that.

And FYI what do you think i do all day, yes i can only manage part time work, i try and do women stuff like housework (you like that here it is again women stuff like housework) i do what i can when i can, its just the way it is, husband doesn't earn enough for me to quit work and support me, and we don't have entitlement to anything but DLA, so you seem the expert here am i lazy too. Do you think i should quit my part time job and go a full time job, that's if i can find someone who will take me on with endless days off sick, don't be shy you seem to think your the expert here.


See what i did there, made assumptions, reading something that isn't there,

Seriously get a grip stop stirring,

Yeah it she has cheated and all the things he says she done then he's well rid to cut his losses,

Morglin

Mojisola wrote: »

That's still no excuse for not sorting out the problems within the relationship or finishing the relationship before finding someone more supportive.

I've got a longterm health problem and my dear OH has often had to take on all the household tasks as well as work but he knows I do what I can when I'm well enough because he can see that and because we talk about what happening and how I'm feeling.

I couldn't live with one man while taking emotional comfort from another and lying to my OH about it.

I agree we should do what we can, and when we can, but the lack of empathy is shining through the OP's comments.

Communication is also vital, agree with you there.

But, if my DH started checking up on me etc., and showed such a lack of understanding, I probably wouldn't have that much compunction about finding support where I could! :eek:

My DH is also disabled (different issues), so we have a natural empathy with each other, but I left my non disabled ex to it when he showed what he was really like, when I could no longer do all the things I could before. After 30 years marriage, I expected a little more co-operation!

Lin

justme111

duchy wrote: »

It may be harsh but it's also true

If the OP is happy for his child to remember a childhood where his parents mistrusted each other .....resorted to secret filming and drinking and lying -then that's fine .....alternatively some parents would get themselves and their child out of that kind of environment in favour of a less toxic homelife.

Everyone has choices they can make.

No-one expects parents to be perfect but most decent parents try to do their best for their kids.



Thats a bit idealistic. To be fair it can be said about majority / a lot of parents. How is using cameras on one occasion worse than arguing? Or shouting at a child ? Or drinking? Or parents simply feeling miserable / suffering with depression ? Or them split and one of them not showing much interest in a child ? Or parents being stressed with money worries ? Working all the time ? Having poor self esteem ? I would say cameras are probably the lightest in this list in my opinion. When i look around i dont see perfect people / parents. Saying children deserve better unless one is perfect is harsh and judgemental methinks.

[/QUOTE]

Sure. It was you choosing camera issue to crucify his parenting that raised my eyebrow. As i said before , drinking and general animosity in a household are far more serious issues with regards to parenting and i wholeheartedly agree that it is damaging and far more damaging than a divorce specially if it is an amicable one. In my experience parents who don't divorce because they want to keep family "for childrens sake " use this reason as a cover up for not divorcing due to fear and damage children far more in a process.

honey10

Having a long term illness of any sort does not give anyone the right to treat their spouse like a doormat! Yes, he called her lazy, just because she has an illness doesn't mean she can't also be lazy.

Personally OP, I would be keeping a diary, days when she can't do anything etc, if you are wanting to go for custody anyway.

Good luck!

enthusiasticsaver

Short answer to this is that yes she is entitled to half the equity of the property and maybe maintenance and the best way to sort out financial arrangements after separating is without involving solicitors or courts etc as this is protracted and extremely expensive.




As to the loans if she agrees that they were taken out to repay her gambling debts and is in agreement then maybe they can be repaid from house sale proceeds. Whichever way you look at it with those debts and that little equity you both are going to have to go into rented accommodation or get mortgages.




Personally I would never agree to loans for gambling debts incurred by my husband to go onto our mortgage or take out loans in my name to pay his debts off and we have a happy marriage.


I hope for your sons sake that you manage to sort this out reasonably amicably but it does sound as if your marriage is over. Also IMHO MS is not an excuse for cheating on you, if she has, or gambling away your financial security or being lazy around the house if she is capable of helping you. I don't think leaving a camcorder or spying on her mobile bills is a good idea either.