Marriage over/affair?? Advice pls!

Mupette

ognum wrote: »

In fairness to the OP to different people with MS can have very different symptoms and illness progression so his wife may not be like you at all.

Your right, mine is mild, hate to think if her's is worse

ripplyuk

Guest101 wrote: »

Video taping her can be seen as prudent and controlling at the same time. I'm inclined to agree with the former, if someone lies to you, who really shouldn't. Then the offended party should be able to gather evidence.

'Gather Evidence'! Not words I'd associate with trying to save a relationship.

I'd say it was over as soon as he grabbed the camcorder. Probably before.

justme111

Op , I am afraid you don't realise just how financially bad divorce is going to be for you if you ask whether she indeed entitled to 50% share. She is likely to get MORE , not less than 50% as her earning capacity is far less and is likely to have child residency unless she herself want him to live with you. I see how you think her talking to someone /having had debts should mean she gets less and my gut feeling it will be a messy divorce with mud slinging because you will not take for an answer that those facts are irrelevant in financial settlement.

justme111

I would add that whether she slept with a guy or not ( by what you written I guess not ) is irrelevant at this stage as you have far more significant problems with her and from what you written I don't see the way forward for you two other than divorce no matter whether there was physical infidelity or not. You being on a mission to find out for sure in my opinion just shows how you miss the point.

Woodycuk

Mupette wrote: »

So glad your not my husband calling me LAZY

Lets put aside what she has done with another man. And all other things

I have MS, I look ok, there is nothing to indicate i have a degenerative disease that has no cure, remember that bit OP.

Because there are days that to just get out of bed is enough to put me back to bed, i also work part time, and that can be just all i can manage.

Thank god i have a wonderful husband who doesn't mind that when he gets back from his stressful long hours job that he may have to cook and clean, and look after me, think it was the marriage vows in sickness and in health..

As a supportive husband i would of thought you would of read up on everything there was to know about living with someone with MS,

I wonder by reading what you have said that perhaps you drove her to another man's arms? be honest did you ever belittle her, undermine her, even as a joke.

Believe me unless you walk a mile in my shoes, you dont come across as having a clue

Whilst I appreciate your perspective, I have been nothing but a caring/supportive husband over the years. I may not physically have his awful, incurable disease but I have been living/breathing MS ever since my wifes diagnosis. I have had to live through every mood swing/the depression/the on off invisible symptoms/drug therapies...everything except having the damn illness myself! As you say in sickness & in health.
Perhaps lazy was maybe harsh but by her own admittance very recently she knows she can do a lot more but she doesn't bother as she knows I'll eventually do it.
I have had my faults & I've worked hard to rectify them but belittling or undermining my wife...never.

TrickyWicky

Woody,

I've known a few women who would appear to resemble your wife. One of them was my mates missus. She had MS and couldn't do anything - unless it suited her (funny that). Anyhow like you, he kept hanging in there, kept supporting her, kept doing x,y,z to keep them afloat.. eventually she lost it and decided that despite years of his support and multiple children, she wanted rid of him. She turned psycho and pretty much burned him mentally.

He left, ended up in a bedsit with virtually nothing but thanks to freecycle, managed to gather some basics for his new life alone. Suddenly her health improved to the point where she could walk the kids to school every day. Within the month a new man had appeared in her life (presumably someone she'd had contact with before the split) and she was having him and another bloke on the go at the same time it later transpired.

What I'm saying is that women are often very persuasive when they want to take the mick and lead a double life. My mates missus has done nothing but set out to crucify him ever since he left - at her demand for no apparent reason (I personally always thought she was a bit odd / aggressive so this came as no surprise). He's now met and moved in with a really nice calm girl who is the total opposite of his ex wife.

What I'm saying to you is this: She may / not be cheating on you however the lies and cover ups suggest that something sinister is going on. The fact that you've had to setup a recorder to find out what she's doing when you go to work suggests that your relationship has been in trouble for a while. Her efforts to help around the house for a couple of weeks and telling you she wants to keep you look to me like the first signs of her slowly letting you go - eg a little reassurance before going cold turkey again. Then something else will happen, then something else and before long you'll be almost strangers.

You have two choices now: 1) confront her and either work it out somehow or 2) seek advice and call it a day on this relationship.

From my POV it seems to me that she's happy to have you around for housework, financial support and childcare but wanting to live another life in her head with someone else that she won't admit to in the real world for fear of upsetting the applecart.

As for GPS trackers etc, if you genuinely believe that she may be cheating then I'd say you should actually do it. It's one thing to think about divorce and claiming that she's cheated but it's another when you have cold hard evidence in the form of GPS logs that prove it. I know many folks in this thread will probably burn me for saying it but if she's already lying to you about this other chap, you need to start looking out for yourself. IF it helps, thats kind of why bugs, trackers and the like exist - to prove one way or the other what is really happening. I'm not saying its right but at the moment your relationship is in such awkward position that i think you need to find out for yourself just what is going on.

justme111

"He needs to find out. ." - why precisely?

Marker_2

Mupette wrote: »

Your right, mine is mild, hate to think if her's is worse

You are quite clearly giving this woman the green light to do whatever she wants just because she has MS. There is never an excuse for cheating of any kind.

Also FYI you don't think your husbands health is suffering working long hours, supporting the family and doing everything in the house.

-taff

She is your wife, she is entitled to half [if not more] of everything you own, you will have to find out who will get custody of your child, in all likeliehood, it will be you moving out, not her, and you will still be paying child support etc.
I would also try counselling, you are spying on her now because you don't trust her and it will only get worse.

Guest101

ripplyuk wrote: »

'Gather Evidence'! Not words I'd associate with trying to save a relationship.

I'd say it was over as soon as he grabbed the camcorder. Probably before.

If the intention is to save the marriage, it takes two parties.

Clearly she's not on the same page.

I think it's evidence for himself, so that he knows he tried. He knows that the marriage didnt fall apart solely because of himself