Marriage over/affair?? Advice pls!

Woodycuk

Hi All,
Apologies in advance for the long story but am in real need of some relationship/legal advice!
Brief background...wife & I have been together 15yrs, married for last 5yrs, joint mortgage/homeowners for 10yrs & have one child (son) aged 9yrs. Wife diagnosed with MS when son 6 months old although touching wood she is healthy enough to work albeit part time & lead the best life she/we can.
So as with any relationship its had its up/downs although we aren't the sort of couple who have major bust ups/rows, this in turn has mean't our son has been bought up in a very loving/stable relationship.
Despite the set back with her illness we have faced every hurdle together, I try to be a supportive/loving husband but it can be very hard work. Over recent years though our relationship has turned more into a co-existence/sharing the same home/bed but not the loving partnership it once was.
I work in a high stress/long hour job, she only works part time/school hours but is increasingly working from home due to the work load of her own job. But needs must to pay bills/mortgage. After long days at work I then start my 2nd shift in tidying the house/cooking meals because at times the wife doesn't lift a finger. She may be ill & at times her capabilities are restricted by the MS but in real terms she is equally just plan LAZY. I never used to tackle this issue, always bottled my feelings up & gradually turned more to alcohol to deal with home life & work life. Not quite alcoholic but would drink at least 2-3 bottles/cans a day.
During a mini family hol in Oct words where exchanged during a rare argument but she made reference to having another 'boyf'. This played on my mind and whilst she was asleep I looked through her phone to find text to a friend stating 'its all back on with Mr.....'! Now I don't make habit of trawling through her things but with what she said & what I'd read I tackled her on what's going on. She tied herself up in lies & excuses before eventually telling me she'd been emailing/talking to a married man through Tinder...had met on a couple of occasions one of which I knew she'd lied on her whereabouts. She was all very sorry but had turned to talking to someone else as we hadn't been getting on, she promised/swore on our sons life that she hadn't physically cheated though. Despite thinking it was the end & no way forward we agreed to give it another go, make more time for one & other for the sake of what we did have and our son. I for one promised to give up on my As you can imagine though I had my doubts whether she has had an affair or not.
Fast forward 4 months, not a great deal has changed other than I've been behaving myself with alcohol but she hasn't improved on her housework skills/assisting me around the house. We weren't getting on any better & then I stumbled across a batch of her mobile phone bills. After a bit of detective work it transpired the man she'd met via Tinder in Aug 2014 had actually been talking to her since at least Feb 2014...so 12months+.
Confronted her which my latest evidence & she admitted to bending the truth in Oct, hiding the extent but sill swore blind it was nothing more than friendship/someone to talk to as to be honest its not something as a couple we are too good at anymore! This time blazing row, I told her to leave..she refused saying she had technically done anything wrong. I told her lots of home truths/vented 2yrs worth of bottled up frustrations which I think surprised her somewhat.
Eventually when all calmed down we talked at length, lots of tears on her part stating she didn't want to lose me. We agreed to give it a proper go & for a period of 2-3 weeks she helped loads around the house, we made time for one another & finally looked like we could make it work. Sadly in the last 2wks things have turned to the old ways although we are getting on okish, but I'm really suspicious again! So much so I've been looking at secret cameras/GPS trackers to see if I can catch her out. Although I'm fairly confident she has had very little time to meet up with this mystery man.
Today I set a camcorder up in my living room & set it to film the time between me leaving for work & her leaving for work...this was the regular time she'd ring this man from her phone bills. At lunchtime I went home to review the footage a as suspected she had a 25min chat with this married man. The chat itself wouldn't ordinarily lead you to believe they were madly in love/having an affair but it was friendly all the same.
So what do I do know? Where do I stand legally if I had it out with her & asked her to leave? This is the most calm I've been about the situation but I just think the damage is done...I can't trust her anymore & perhaps I'd be happier without her in my life?? Given the illness & her capabilities I would certainly fight for part custody as at times she cannot look after herself let alone our son.
If this ended up going down the separation route or even divorce where to I stand legally? Is she entitled to half of everything we own? Added complication is she has been blown thousands on gambling over the years & sadly I've had to bail her out a few times by bumping up the mortgage plus I have a large loan taken out for her in my name? Our house is approx. 180k but now with 140k mortgage & I don't much in way of spare cash to start paying her to live in our house with me elsewhere or pay her half what its worth..paying her maintenance etc etc. Logical way forward would be sell the family home but would I have to split the profit 50/50 given the debts I have in her name & mortgage is as high as it is due to her gambling??
Would appreciate any sound advice about relationship & where you lovely peeps think I stand legally!!
Hope I haven't bored you all to tears but thanks for listening anyway.

Yours Woody

swingaloo

Secret cameras, GPS trackers? Seriously!

fairy_lights

Woodycuk wrote: »

I've been looking at secret cameras/GPS trackers to see if I can catch her out. Although I'm fairly confident she has had very little time to meet up with this mystery man.
Today I set a camcorder up in my living room & set it to film the time between me leaving for work & her leaving for work...

if you already distrust her to the extent that you need to spy on her, then it sounds like your marriage is over regardless of whether or not she is cheating.

Woodycuk

swingaloo wrote: »

Secret cameras, GPS trackers? Seriously!

Yes Swingaloo seriously did consider it...becoming far too obsessed with trying to figure out what lies I'm being spun but my supposed life partner...but thanks for you constructive reply anyway!

hazyjo

I hope you meant bottles of beer, not wine!


Not really about who has done what or who has a problem with whatever (unless of course that does deem them unfit to look after a child). You took on that debt - your problem (sorry!). My OH is still paying a debt his ex-wife took out in his name (fraudulently) when they were together. Whoever looks after the child on a full time basis will most likely get maintenance. Someone else will determine what you can afford - not always favourably. We can only guess whether you or her can remain in the house still or not. If so, from the sounds of it, you will remain on the mortgage if the house isn't sold.


No, you can't tell her to leave if she's on the mortgage. Yes, things will prob be split 50/50.


Have you thought about relationship counselling?


Try not to let it get spiteful for the sake of your child. Try not to think of it as 'fighting' for custody or using your son or custody to get back at her. Life isn't straightforward, sometimes people do things. None of us are perfect. You may come to an amicable agreement where your son lives with each of you 50/50 (it works well for my OH's sister). Not sure what you mean by 'can't look after herself'. If that means 'lazy', if you're not there to do it for her, chances are she'll do it.


Jx

FBaby

The thing is, all you've found so far is that she is not being honest with her being friendly with a man. That doesn't go very far in proving that she is cheating on you.

I think you need to put this cheating suspicions aside and decide whether you still want to spend the rest of your life with her.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I think you need to put this cheating suspicions aside and decide whether you still want to spend the rest of your life with her.

She also needs to decide if she's willing to give up contact with the other man in order to save the marriage. If she isn't, there's not much you can do.

Having a health problem is not a reason to behave badly towards your spouse - she is being supported in all sorts of ways by you but is still lying about contacting the other man.

fivetide

Mojisola wrote: »

Having a health problem is not a reason to behave badly towards your spouse - she is being supported in all sorts of ways by you but is still lying about contacting the other man.

As Elvis said "we can't go on together, with suspicious minds"


If what you have said is true then there is no trust and for a good reason.


Get that time with the solicitor I think. Sorry. Hope your lad comes out of it ok. If nothing else that's the reason to go back to being friends but without any form of physical relationship. Given that is what you had, would it be too bad?

Poppie68

Your wife sounds far from LAZY. She seems she is a very busy lady and living with MS. While she may seem fine on the outside her body and mental health wil be suffering.
You will have to go with your gut instinct as you both seem unhappy and maybe scared what's on the other side.

ripplyuk

You filmed her on a camcorder without her knowledge? :eek:

To be honest OP, if I ever found out my partner had filmed me without my permission (for ANY reason), it would be a total deal breaker.

Perhaps relationship counselling would be the only way forward, but you need to tell your partner about this camcorder stuff first and see if she still wants to work at it.

Gra76

Time to leave her OP. She's not going to stop contacting the other man. I think that much is clear. She's already said she wants to save the marriage, she's already failed miserably. Don't keep going back for more punishment.

Sounds to me like you won't be happy till you catch them together. Forget the tracking and spying, you already know what you need to know.