Renovations and Repayments.

selloptape

Schools have a duty to provide pastoral care and if your son is finding the change in routine stressful then they should provide help and support. Have you asked his teachers what they can offer?

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

:wall: no, Alex, you don't need to control it you need to put a LOT of effort into furthering his social development. You can't provide that at home. He needs to be with his peers to practise social skills and you need to support him.


I'm not sure I understand what you mean by 'he's not ready for that step at the moment'. I fear it's a euphemism for you're not ready and you can't say no to him so you're going to let him come home:(.


This is a very similar conversation to the one about IT skills. You've got it into your head that education is about fixed academic disciplines and are happy to ignore new developments and the whole social/behavioural/emotional element of schooling. I just can't see the logic behind encouraging him to be advanced for his age in the things you believe in but insisting that other things can wait until he matures.

I can't really see how I can put effort into something that is beyond my control? Teaching him to read, write, play music etc. etc. is not beyond my control. However, whether he socialises with his peers or not is ultimately his decision, not mine. Though I hope my son finds some good friends.

maman wrote: »

P.S. It's not wanting better that makes you 'sexist', it's the fact that you see it as your responsibility to provide a home and don't acknowledge that it's the home you and MrsK have put together and she's proud and happy with your joint achievements. That and the fact that you've set the bar so high in the sort of home you want and an unrealistic wish to be mortgage free in your 30s that it's making you very miserable.


Any fireworks around your way?;)

Our current property is my wife's achievement, for the majority of the time we've been here I've earnt very little money. Personally, I see no point in staying here when we could move to a much better house and have no mortgage. As usual I'll do as I'm told, though. How very "sexist" of me.

There were some fireworks but we didn't go to see any last night because son was very tired.

AlexLK

ourcornercottage wrote: »

I would say I would insist on school lunches for two reasons

Firstly at 4/5 socialisation is probably the most important life skill they are learning at school. Learning to deal with other people and personalities, learning they don't have to like everything but it doesn't change it, learning to mix with adults and children. Learning when it is appropriate to control their wants and desires. You might say you don't care if he learns this and in theory it doesn't matter but this is life, in real life you meet people you don't like, you sometimes eat food you aren't keen on, you mix when you don't really want to. If you don't learn these skills early on its so much more distressing for the child/adult learning them later in life. They might also not develop a good sense of judgement which is a vital life skill and can lead to terrible decision making later in life. Unfortunately you just can't do this within the family unit as it involves meeting all types of people to help your child to develop this life skill.

The behaviours at lunch and in the class are all part of this side of his skills development/education and removing him from this situation will halt this part of this valuable learning and reinforces disruptive behaviour (see below!)

Secondly, a friend with older children gave me one piece of advice when the Miniocc as about 2 which was that mutual parent/child respect and that parent/child roles have to be established as early as possible. Sometimes the parents word just has to go, and the family is not always a democracy. Learning this at 4 is so much easier than at 14. Once they get to this age they will be spending more time away from the family unit and if he hasn't gained the skills to make good judgement calls early in life (see above!) you may need to put your foot down. If you don't have the parent/child riles set out how exactly do you plan on stopping these situations occurring.

For example how do you control No going out on a school night with that dodgy lad who lives in the village when he hasn't learnt the vital skills to make good calls themselves and don't have the respect for the parental rules.

Please consider the overall idea of this post not the detail. These skills he is learning in the classroom and at lunchtime aged 4/5 will far exceed in importance he academic achievements by the time he reaches young adulthood and inadvertently whilst trying to do your very best if you let him have his way now you may well have inadvertently held him back in life.

Ps I don't think you are old fashioned or sexist but think that when you are not well you don't phrase your posts well on occasion

OOC, I try my absolute best to be the best parent I can be. It's something that means a great deal to me and it breaks my heart seeing my son upset. All I want is for him to be happy, not experience sadness, fear and anguish. I understand your words, though they worry me greatly for the future.

I suspect you're right re. my posts when I'm not well. For similar reasons I choose not to speak to anyone unless I absolutely must.

AlexLK

Watty1 wrote: »

You are only waiting because you have that as an option Alex.
If you did not, you and Mrs K would work on the house you have and enjoy it. You might decide that Mrs K would be the major breadwinner and you would renovate the house and provide the majority of the childcare and house stuff in between earning some money doing what you like. You might decide to sell up and live on a river boat. You might decide anything. But instead you are waiting because you can.
If you did not have that option you might have fun deciding as a family of 3 what you really wanted your life to be like rather than what others think it should be.
Earning lots didn't make you happy so you can ticked that off the tried list - but - it doesn't mean the only other option is to wait.

You're right that money won't make me happy nor will it change my state of mind, I know that. However, I want my family to be financially secure. At the moment if my wife became ill and my parents decided not to help us financially, we'd probably not even be able to keep the house we currently live in. I'm ashamed I can't step up to the mark.

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

Some weekend reading for you, Alex - Country Life's guide to period bathrooms

http://www.countrylife.co.uk/property/interiorsperiod-bathroom-styles-78025

Thanks, Caz. I've read it, some good ideas in there but we really can't afford Drummond Shaw prices. :rotfl: I had a look through their catalogues, saw a shower unit that I know Mrs K would like and I don't think would look too awful but it was £20,000. :eek:

selloptape wrote: »

Schools have a duty to provide pastoral care and if your son is finding the change in routine stressful then they should provide help and support. Have you asked his teachers what they can offer?

Today they paired him up with another pupil but he changed his mind about what he wanted to eat again between the morning and lunchtime, which didn't make him pleasant company. At home, he's used to being able to pick his own lunch as before he started school every day he and I went into town to choose our lunch. When he came home for lunch during the first half term, I had three options for him to choose. This wasn't a free choice as I only presented things that form part of a balanced diet but now,he must eat what he chose (from the options) in the morning.

ourcornercottage

AlexLK wrote: »

All I want is for him to be happy, not experience sadness, fear and anguish. I understand your words, though they worry me greatly for the future.

realistically in life we all have to experience these emotions and better to gather the tools to deal with them through childhood than later in life. Having these skills will make him a happier child in the long run.

Currently this lunch situation is what is causing him anguish which in theory he doesn't need to go. What happens when he does need to do something that causes anguish as it invariably will in life. What about when he learns that if he is upset about something he doesn't need to do it. Kids are very cleaver you know All food for thought.

Your little one will have parents to help him cope and understand this journey he is starting out on so this should not worry you one bit for the future.

AlexLK

ourcornercottage wrote: »

realistically in life we all have to experience these emotions and better to gather the tools to deal with them through childhood than later in life. Having these skills will make him a happier child in the long run.

Currently this lunch situation is what is causing him anguish which in theory he doesn't need to go. What happens when he does need to do something that causes anguish as it invariably will in life. What about when he learns that if he is upset about something he doesn't need to do it. Kids are very cleaver you know All food for thought.

Your little one will have parents to help him cope and understand this journey he is starting out on so this should not worry you one bit for the future.

I do understand. My wife thinks he needs to stay for lunch for similar sorts of reasons. If it were any other child, I'd actually agree but I suppose it's because I don't want to see him go through this and I'd rather him home.

I wish I could say I am able to be the one to help him cope and understand the journey. However, I can't cope myself. As for understanding, not sure anyone has that knowledge. Everything about the future worries me.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

I can't really see how I can put effort into something that is beyond my control? Teaching him to read, write, play music etc. etc. is not beyond my control. However, whether he socialises with his peers or not is ultimately his decision, not mine. Though I hope my son finds some good friends.

I agree that you can't actively help him to socialise with peers at home (except for arranging play dates, dreadful term that it is:eek:) but what you can do is facilitate it. It seems the school is aware by pairing up with an older pupil then he finds another obstacle (changed is mind about his lunch). Alex, take it from an an 'old hand' at this sort of behaviour he really is just pushing the boundaries. OK so he may have had a choice of 3 healthy lunches at home but packed lunches don't work like that. I'm sure he knows that too (he's bright, why wouldn't he?). What you're seeing is LittleK doing everything he can to resist inevitable change. Might you be doing exactly the same?:)

Watty1

AlexLK wrote: »

You're right that money won't make me happy nor will it change my state of mind, I know that. However, I want my family to be financially secure. At the moment if my wife became ill and my parents decided not to help us financially, we'd probably not even be able to keep the house we currently live in. I'm ashamed I can't step up to the mark.

I'm picking up on this because I think you've missed a couple of important points. I'm not going to bother picking them out from your story but I'll share some of mine and see if you get the hints.
Mr Watty has an adequate income. It would pay for us to live in a house like his work colleagues. It certainly wouldn't fund one large dog, two or three horses, a nice house with land and stables etc in the South East corner of England. Mrs Watty (me) has a very good income that has bought the house we live in. Do I think I contributed the majority? Well I certainly made the cash - but - Mr Watty has renovated both houses himself. Totally. Rewiring. Replumbing. Building an extension. Fencing. The lot. He maintains both cars, dusts a racing car that lives in a barn and falls over a motorbike he will one day rebuild. He chops wood for the fire and mucks out the stables while I work. I would say he has an equal share in the house because he did does a heck of a lot of work.
Now he could go and get a *better* job. But it wouldn't make him happy. He could earn more. But it wouldn't make him happy. And if he did that then we would have to pay someone to do all the things he does. So we wouldn't be any better off I figure.
If you really think you wouldn't be able to afford your house if Mrs K didn't work then get insurance for her. That would buy you a year or two breathing space. And she should have the same for you. Who would do the cooking and childcare and renovations if you were not there?
There is no shame in not earning more than me, or providing total financial security for the Wattyhousehold. There is only shame in not contributing to life. And as I see it Mr Watty contributes way more than I do. And from your diary I see that you contribute to life a lot too.
(dusts hands off, climbs off soapbox)

AlexLK

Had a day working on the spare bedroom today as we're going to decorate it. Today was just a tidy out and start stripping the old wallpaper off the walls.

Also went to a local fireworks display this evening. Son enjoyed it but it wasn't as good as the one we usually go to. Completely free apart from buying £5.50 worth of drinks, so I don't suppose I can really complain.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

I agree that you can't actively help him to socialise with peers at home (except for arranging play dates, dreadful term that it is:eek:) but what you can do is facilitate it. It seems the school is aware by pairing up with an older pupil then he finds another obstacle (changed is mind about his lunch). Alex, take it from an an 'old hand' at this sort of behaviour he really is just pushing the boundaries. OK so he may have had a choice of 3 healthy lunches at home but packed lunches don't work like that. I'm sure he knows that too (he's bright, why wouldn't he?). What you're seeing is LittleK doing everything he can to resist inevitable change. Might you be doing exactly the same?:)

I do facilitate him having a social life, he meets other children when he goes to my cousin's to ride. He's also going to be starting to play violin in a young children's string orchestra as of next week, so hopefully he'll meet others there.

We had a chat with him about this and told him he doesn't make a fuss when we've chosen lunch in the morning for a picnic, so shouldn't regarding lunches at school. Hopefully that will work.

As for me resisting change, I suppose I am guilty of that.

Watty1 wrote: »

I'm picking up on this because I think you've missed a couple of important points. I'm not going to bother picking them out from your story but I'll share some of mine and see if you get the hints.
Mr Watty has an adequate income. It would pay for us to live in a house like his work colleagues. It certainly wouldn't fund one large dog, two or three horses, a nice house with land and stables etc in the South East corner of England. Mrs Watty (me) has a very good income that has bought the house we live in. Do I think I contributed the majority? Well I certainly made the cash - but - Mr Watty has renovated both houses himself. Totally. Rewiring. Replumbing. Building an extension. Fencing. The lot. He maintains both cars, dusts a racing car that lives in a barn and falls over a motorbike he will one day rebuild. He chops wood for the fire and mucks out the stables while I work. I would say he has an equal share in the house because he did does a heck of a lot of work.
Now he could go and get a *better* job. But it wouldn't make him happy. He could earn more. But it wouldn't make him happy. And if he did that then we would have to pay someone to do all the things he does. So we wouldn't be any better off I figure.
If you really think you wouldn't be able to afford your house if Mrs K didn't work then get insurance for her. That would buy you a year or two breathing space. And she should have the same for you. Who would do the cooking and childcare and renovations if you were not there?
There is no shame in not earning more than me, or providing total financial security for the Wattyhousehold. There is only shame in not contributing to life. And as I see it Mr Watty contributes way more than I do. And from your diary I see that you contribute to life a lot too.
(dusts hands off, climbs off soapbox)

It sounds as if you have a marriage built upon mutual respect and trust. I don't really have that.