Renovations and Repayments.

Suffolk_lass

There are lots of strong opinions when it comes to bringing up and educating our children. I always attached a great deal of importance to academic achievement for our son, having lived my live with a feeling of under-achievement for myself. I think with hindsight that I failed to see that what he was interested in, had an aptitude for, and ultimately, what makes him happy (even though it does not meet my "success" criteria) was more likely to stick and work for him. He is permanently hard up but has the time he wants to pursue his music and I have finally realised that this keeps him content which matters more.

There is a lot to be said for contentment Alex. My worry for our Son is his financial security but not his happiness.

By the way, I bought a couple of Dawn Lights recently to mitigate the mood doldrums we suffer from at this time of year. Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD) has not been diagnosed but I guarantee this has helped my Son and I. I'm conscious that you seem to suffer as the days get shorter and I wondered if you had reflected on this possibility at all?

amanda_p

My son is happy there!

I am with Kelpie on this one.
He is happy, end of story. Why on earth would you think of moving
him to a fee paying school to achieve his full academic potential?
If he is happy and bright he will succeed wherever he is educated, especially as he has good back up at home. There will be less pressure
where he is now and that will give him a chance to 'just be'. So many children have forgotten what it is like to be a child and 'just be'. Time to read, to play, to run and dig, unfortunately these days this sort of childhood is fast disappearing.
You obviously give him a lot of time as parents and this is the most important part of his formative years.
I have mentioned to you before that my eldest son who was state educated is a neurosurgeon in a London Hospital. When it came to the interviews for the post, only 9 in the country with 350 applicants he managed to secure it. He beat his two friends, both, in his words far brighter than him, both privately educated. The reason being ,these interviews are called vivas where you have many different work stations and inside each of these is a 'patient' i.e. a very good actor with directions to be as difficult as possible. Sitting by the bedside are three eminent neurosurgeons marking you on your clinical ability but also watching very carefully how you interact with these so called patients. His two friends failed miserably as they couldn't hack the patient interaction as they had been somewhat shielded throughout their life of meeting difficult, extremely upset, sometimes grubby people. They are both doing research now.
Also my son from the age of 5 wanted to be a doctor. Unusually he never wavered and was self motivated throughout school. The only rules we made at home from a very early age were homework has to be done on the night it was set, never leave it until the night before it is handed in. He took this on board all through school, medical school and surgery exams in his line of work.
He also had time to play, join the local football team, the local cricket team, go out on his bike with friends. He has ended up a well rounded individual.

Only you can make the decision about your son's future but he is happy. As a parent what more do any of us want?

daisy_1571

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

There are lots of strong opinions when it comes to bringing up and educating our children. I always attached a great deal of importance to academic achievement for our son, having lived my live with a feeling of under-achievement for myself. I think with hindsight that I failed to see that what he was interested in, had an aptitude for, and ultimately, what makes him happy (even though it does not meet my "success" criteria) was more likely to stick and work for him. He is permanently hard up but has the time he wants to pursue his music and I have finally realised that this keeps him content which matters more.

There is a lot to be said for contentment Alex. My worry for our Son is his financial security but not his happiness.

By the way, I bought a couple of Dawn Lights recently to mitigate the mood doldrums we suffer from at this time of year. Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD) has not been diagnosed but I guarantee this has helped my Son and I. I'm conscious that you seem to suffer as the days get shorter and I wondered if you had reflected on this possibility at all?

Great post, brave of you to share that you recognised how you used to measure your son's success, useful too about sad.


D xx

daisy_1571

amanda_p wrote: »

My son is happy there!

I am with Kelpie on this one.
He is happy, end of story. Why on earth would you think of moving
him to a fee paying school to achieve his full academic potential?
If he is happy and bright he will succeed wherever he is educated, especially as he has good back up at home. There will be less pressure
where he is now and that will give him a chance to 'just be'. So many children have forgotten what it is like to be a child and 'just be'. Time to read, to play, to run and dig, unfortunately these days this sort of childhood is fast disappearing.
You obviously give him a lot of time as parents and this is the most important part of his formative years.
I have mentioned to you before that my eldest son who was state educated is a neurosurgeon in a London Hospital. When it came to the interviews for the post, only 9 in the country with 350 applicants he managed to secure it. He beat his two friends, both, in his words far brighter than him, both privately educated. The reason being ,these interviews are called vivas where you have many different work stations and inside each of these is a 'patient' i.e. a very good actor with directions to be as difficult as possible. Sitting by the bedside are three eminent neurosurgeons marking you on your clinical ability but also watching very carefully how you interact with these so called patients. His two friends failed miserably as they couldn't hack the patient interaction as they had been somewhat shielded throughout their life of meeting difficult, extremely upset, sometimes grubby people. They are both doing research now.
Also my son from the age of 5 wanted to be a doctor. Unusually he never wavered and was self motivated throughout school. The only rules we made at home from a very early age were homework has to be done on the night it was set, never leave it until the night before it is handed in. He took this on board all through school, medical school and surgery exams in his line of work.
He also had time to play, join the local football team, the local cricket team, go out on his bike with friends. He has ended up a well rounded individual.

Only you can make the decision about your son's future but he is happy. As a parent what more do any of us want?

Another great post, that's why I love these discussions as it is so helpful to get someone else's point of view. Sometimes I think we all might be guilty of thinking our own thoughts and being so comfortable with them that we forget there is other ways to think about or approach problems. Thank you too for sharing

D xx

newgirly

Hi Alex, sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment

I hope you can come to a descision about your sons education that you are all happy with. Whatever you decide he will be off to good start as you are a hands on parent, it helps.

Amanda p's post was inspirational and shows the importance of hard work and ability above all else. If you don't mind I can indulge a bit and tell you a bit about my dh? He left school with one woodwork gcse at 15, severely dyslexic (somebody still has to proof read and correct all of his emails and letters!) and parents who did not get him the extra help he needed.

He got an apprenticeship, went to college and he loved the job he does. Fast forward many years of long hours and hard work and in 2014 he won "business person of the year" in our London borough and came runner up in same thing in a bigger area of London.

With the right attitude your son will succeed wherever he goes.


Ps. I am a bit sad if your elf has to take a break this year, just to guilt trip you a bit, I would love it if I still had the opportunity to do the little Xmas traditions I used to when mine were little and still believed, it will pass in a flash........

AlexLK

Had a busy day today and cannot sleep tonight. Think I've made my mind up about work things, though.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Usually, its a good idea not to compare yourself with others, but I think in your case its actually quite important that you try to maintain an understanding of the fortunate position you are in financially and reflect on how it affects your interactions and relationships with people in different situations.

I do wonder if it affects how I deal with other people sometimes, though I think it is likely more to do with my upbringing (parental influence). It wasn't something I ever questioned until joining MSE, to be honest.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Alex do you remember a while back when I showed you a study which found that state school pupils actually do better at university than private school pupils?

Are your reservations about state school based on facts or on your prejudices about the state system or the values your parents have passed to you?

Your son is happy at his school, that's great, let him stay! He has supportive, encouraging parents who are able to provide enrichment and extra tuition outside of school if it is ever required/desired. He won't have any problems meeting his potential and doing whatever he wants to do!

I can and admit it is not just to do with academic performance. My main reservations about state schools are senior school at 11 and him having a lack of potential connections when he's older. My parents are not impressed he's spent any time in a state school and think I am severely harming his chances in life.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

There are lots of strong opinions when it comes to bringing up and educating our children. I always attached a great deal of importance to academic achievement for our son, having lived my live with a feeling of under-achievement for myself. I think with hindsight that I failed to see that what he was interested in, had an aptitude for, and ultimately, what makes him happy (even though it does not meet my "success" criteria) was more likely to stick and work for him. He is permanently hard up but has the time he wants to pursue his music and I have finally realised that this keeps him content which matters more.

There is a lot to be said for contentment Alex. My worry for our Son is his financial security but not his happiness.

By the way, I bought a couple of Dawn Lights recently to mitigate the mood doldrums we suffer from at this time of year. Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD) has not been diagnosed but I guarantee this has helped my Son and I. I'm conscious that you seem to suffer as the days get shorter and I wondered if you had reflected on this possibility at all?

I don't ever feel I'm making the right choice or that there even is a right choice. It's the hardest thing I find about parenting. I've asked my parents about it and mother is convinced they always made the right choices (not just re. education) but father wishes he'd made different choices in parenting decisions other than education.

As people are aware on here, I want my son to be happy and fulfilled. Should that mean he sees very little financial reward I would not see him live his life in poverty and neither would my parents wish that for him, either.

Not sure I am the sort of person to ever be content with life, in fact I somewhat envy those with contentment.

I don't really like the long nights and have wondered if it does affect my general mood. However, I also quite like autumn and winter as seasons especially when it's crisp and bright.

AlexLK

amanda_p wrote: »

My son is happy there!

I am with Kelpie on this one.
He is happy, end of story. Why on earth would you think of moving
him to a fee paying school to achieve his full academic potential?
If he is happy and bright he will succeed wherever he is educated, especially as he has good back up at home. There will be less pressure
where he is now and that will give him a chance to 'just be'. So many children have forgotten what it is like to be a child and 'just be'. Time to read, to play, to run and dig, unfortunately these days this sort of childhood is fast disappearing.
You obviously give him a lot of time as parents and this is the most important part of his formative years.
I have mentioned to you before that my eldest son who was state educated is a neurosurgeon in a London Hospital. When it came to the interviews for the post, only 9 in the country with 350 applicants he managed to secure it. He beat his two friends, both, in his words far brighter than him, both privately educated. The reason being ,these interviews are called vivas where you have many different work stations and inside each of these is a 'patient' i.e. a very good actor with directions to be as difficult as possible. Sitting by the bedside are three eminent neurosurgeons marking you on your clinical ability but also watching very carefully how you interact with these so called patients. His two friends failed miserably as they couldn't hack the patient interaction as they had been somewhat shielded throughout their life of meeting difficult, extremely upset, sometimes grubby people. They are both doing research now.
Also my son from the age of 5 wanted to be a doctor. Unusually he never wavered and was self motivated throughout school. The only rules we made at home from a very early age were homework has to be done on the night it was set, never leave it until the night before it is handed in. He took this on board all through school, medical school and surgery exams in his line of work.
He also had time to play, join the local football team, the local cricket team, go out on his bike with friends. He has ended up a well rounded individual.

Only you can make the decision about your son's future but he is happy. As a parent what more do any of us want?

I don't want anything other than to see him happy in adulthood. I know my father considers himself partly responsible for some of my mental health problems. Don't want to be in that position when I'm older and I suppose want to make the right choices for him.

daisy_1571 wrote: »

Great post, brave of you to share that you recognised how you used to measure your son's success, useful too about sad.


D xx

daisy_1571 wrote: »

Another great post, that's why I love these discussions as it is so helpful to get someone else's point of view. Sometimes I think we all might be guilty of thinking our own thoughts and being so comfortable with them that we forget there is other ways to think about or approach problems. Thank you too for sharing

D xx

Absolutely agree with everything here.

Thank you, all. :beer:

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment

I hope you can come to a descision about your sons education that you are all happy with. Whatever you decide he will be off to good start as you are a hands on parent, it helps.

Amanda p's post was inspirational and shows the importance of hard work and ability above all else. If you don't mind I can indulge a bit and tell you a bit about my dh? He left school with one woodwork gcse at 15, severely dyslexic (somebody still has to proof read and correct all of his emails and letters!) and parents who did not get him the extra help he needed.

He got an apprenticeship, went to college and he loved the job he does. Fast forward many years of long hours and hard work and in 2014 he won "business person of the year" in our London borough and came runner up in same thing in a bigger area of London.

With the right attitude your son will succeed wherever he goes.


Ps. I am a bit sad if your elf has to take a break this year, just to guilt trip you a bit, I would love it if I still had the opportunity to do the little Xmas traditions I used to when mine were little and still believed, it will pass in a flash........

Thank you, NG. You must be very proud of your husband's achievements. I hope you're right about success.

:rotfl: Re. elf. I'm going to speak to Mrs. K. and see what she wants to do, I think.

It certainly seems like I've always a lot going on and wonder if I think about things too much rather than just getting on with the most pressing matter.

I've always tried to be a hands on parent. At the moment it's difficult and I am not pleased with what I'm offering as a parent. Really pleased with my wife, though. He's shown an interest in drawing and painting over the past few weeks and she's spent a lot of time helping him to finish a painting of a dolphin. She's organised a Lego building competition as one of his birthday party activities and he's teamed up with her (he can pick wisely), so I've been left with father. Mother has appointed herself as the judge and believes she will know exactly which teams have produced what. We all will find it amusing if the winning team are one of my in-laws as mother won't be happy she's picked them. Even father will be somewhat amused as he's getting bored of her telling him she will "choose wisely" and will definitely know my in-laws' work when she sees it.

newgirly

I don't know any parent that thinks they are doing an amazing job Alex, it's totally normal to feel like you could be doing better, I feel like that regularly. Probably the thing that has helped me most over the years is friends I have met with children the same age, it's helped me put my worries into perspective and been a calming influence to know that what many of the things I worried about are normal.

Love to be a fly on the wall for your competition our Xmas day quiz can turn sour quickly and that's without the inlaws there, good luck to your Mother in weeding out the riffraff :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

amanda_p

I think what you have to ask yourself Alex is were you happy at school? Your parents made the decision many years ago to pay for your education, that was their choice and also the world was a different place then. There are always grammar schools, these are as good if not better than a lot of fee paying schools. It is all a bit of a minefield, but I am still of the opinion if Little K is happy and presents as reasonably intelligent he will do well wherever he is. Remember he is not you, he is not your father , he is unique, he is himself and what seemed right for you might not be right for him. A close friend of mine had two children, one went to the grammar school the other went to the local comprehensive which at that time was in special measures. They are both now doing doctorates, one in Physics and one in Chemistry. Both very differently educated but both came out with the same result.

Also your comment about 'lack of potential connections'. This is very old school, a lot of these connections do not exist any more unless heaven help us you go into politics, least said about that the better! Job opportunities , in whatever field come with hard work and a certain amount of luck. They do not come about nowadays because little Jonnie's dad was at school with the CEO. Plus by the time Little K is ready to join the workforce things will have probably changed even more.

As for good parenting, none of us thinks we are wonderful, I certainly wasn't, but we gave both our sons love, attention, a stable home life and time for them to grow into themselves. What I would say is the best life education comes from home. I have one son who lives abroad (Hong Kong) and the other living at the other end of the country . Somehow we have given ours the confidence to go out in the world independently and not worry too much about Mum and Dad. Remember we are the bows and our children are the arrows, we just aim them in the right direction and hope they hit the right place.
As parents we can only guide, yes they will make mistakes, they will have relationship breakdowns, things will go wrong in their lives ,but this, as such is life.
We can as parents only do our best and hope that is good enough.