Renovations and Repayments.

daisy_1571

AlexLK wrote: »

November is my son's birthday month. :eek: He will be 7 soon and we've organised a party. Recently he seems to have really "grown up". The other day he expressed a wish for my wife and I to call him a shortened name (comes from my cousin's children as they sometimes call him this shortened name if they know I'm not around). I told him he would not go by a shortened version of his name and my wife told me I sounded just like my father. Not going to let it get to the point of bellowing at my adult son's fiancee that she dare not refer to my son as a shortened version of his name, though. Reminded my father of that episode and he told me he was devastated I was known to her by the shortened version of my name.

Father is recovering well and a change in medication seems to have helped an awful lot. He has started going to the old people's lunch again and seems quite determined to try to make some new friends. He also managed to find a relative online and is debating whether to send a message as he has been thinking about what happened to his parents and other family.

That's good about your father looking outward to have social interaction.

I think lots of us are guilty of overspending at times of stress however you have recognised it and that's the first step to reining it in, well done.

Re the name discussions - do you feel a tiny bit hypocritical telling your son you will not call him by the shorter version when it appears you were happy to introduce yourself by a shorter version in your life. Clearly you knew it would upset your parents (I ref your quote about the fact you were 22 when your parents 'found out' so that implies you had kept it from them) however you were happy to go by full name at home and shorter name with friends. How wonderful that so far littlek has not learnt to hide things from you in this manner for fear of your reaction. Please please keep this easy, communicating relationship open.

Perhaps you could say to him that you and Mrs k picked his full name because you both love the sound of it so if it's OK with him you both will continue to use it at home however his friends should call him whatever he feels comfortable with. Lots of people have that situation. I know I could never think of one of my brothers as the shortened version but bet he is called variations of that elsewhere, its just that within the famity he always gets his full name so that's what we are used to. A shortened version implies familiarity which is maybe why your folks don't like it but familiarity is nice. Nicknames, pet names, lengthening short names and shortening longer names all implies you like the person and are comfortable with them. Dare I say, its similar to you calling your parents mother, father and their insistence of grandmother, grandfather etc. That doesn't imply a loving cosy relationship in the way that mum, dad, grandma, granda has with me, however I respect that's what you call them, it's important to you and I refer to them accordingly in these pages. Anyway, it's important to pick your battles and he will make his way in the world same as you did, much better he feels open to coming to you both with all his growing up ideas and sees you don't knee jerk react to them. As i understand it that's the key to having a teenager still communicate with you so don't let him see a reaction that will make him think twice about confiding.

Daisy xx

Ps i wanted to be called Norman when i was wee lol. Luckily that was a fairly short lived phase and I'm quite happy with my female name these days

Suffolk_lass

I think talking to your son to discuss names is a good choice. When our son was small he did the same thing and our only compromise was that his shortened version never has an "ie" extension to it (as this was the name of my goldfish!).

You have alluded to a number of things going on and letting things go. I wanted to suggest you take a few minutes to write down all the things that are important to you - the people and the things, not the way you do things

Then you can sort out the really high priority things to you and those who are most important. In the summer you had absolute clarity and it might help you to go back and look at some of your posts, before you started the teacher training. I hope it will help you regain the balance and perspective. Remember the things that really matter to you.

For example, relationships are precious and can be precarious so they need regular attention, with give and take on both sides. It does sound as though your balance has shifted a bit at the moment.

I hope you are OK.

Karmacat

Some good ideas and gentle input in these posts, Alex, hope some of that feels right for you.

AlexLK wrote: »

Things aren't too good, to be honest. Finances aren't a problem, thankfully. However, I want us to stop spending so much. Not sure whether I'm taking care of myself or not. I've managed to switch off from feelings as much as possible.

Woah! For short term emergencies, it's a brilliant strategy. As a long term coping mechanism, it doesn't usually go well in the end. SL's suggestion of writing things down to find out your real priorities is a good one.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

I hope you are OK.

From me too.

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AlexLK

Thank you all for replying. I'm planning to talk to my son tomorrow before he goes to bed. It's in my diary - that's how bad things are. Shouldn't have to diarise plans to speak to my son.

Things aren't so good if I'm honest with myself. I'm struggling to find time for my son due to having the job / study and running a business. I want to be there for him and for us to spend quality time together. However, in the past few months things haven't worked out the way I thought they would as I initially had no intention of taking the property business in the direction I have but an opportunity came up and I now have a lot to deal with. I'm interested in buildings and how things go together so have no desire to just leave it for someone else to deal with, only to pick up some revenue at the end. I'm not enjoying what I thought I would be, though. Not at all. I should be enjoying teaching. The prep work I did says I should be but I don't enjoy it.

AlexLK

It often seems like I've been the only one to mess up as badly as I have done. I thought I'd got to an age which meant I was waiting to inherit as my only option for things to be financially alright and I just had to find something to fill my time. What seemed like a good and well researched idea was entered into with the wrong idea of what it was really about.

daisy_1571

I think that's just ego pal, if you look at the diaries on here, the newspapers or listen to almost any other human being you will find there has been times in their lives when they feel they have messed up.

And let's just take a moment......what exactly do you think you have 'messed up as badly'. You tried something, you worked at it, you replicated as best you can the circumstances of being a teacher but you can't replicate it entirely so you did the best research you could and then you applied. As the schools know how hard it is being a full time teacher they have a system of trying you out and at the same time training you. During this process some people decide it's not for them. You aren't the first, you won't be the last.

Instead of focusing on that aspect, how about saying to yourself 'lots of people start into a career and find its not for them but luckily I have an alternative source of income that I am enjoying working at just now. I'm such a lucky person I don't have to continue down this path like others and end up in a career where I will be stuck for years because I can't afford to give it up and don't have the energy to properly look and apply for another job.'

You tried something, it might not be for you - move on mate, it's not the end of the world, nobody died, worse things happen at sea etc etc etc, in other words get over it and realise there is a huge difference between what you did before and being in full time training doing it with all the pressures of being in your first year as others have said. That's why they don't just interview you and give you 30 kids to teach cos that would be really unfair.

Stop agonising. It doesn't help you, it doesn't help your family and it's not a good example to littlek. Let him see you properly attempt something and then be able to move on instead of this endless rehashing of why you 'should' be enjoying it and you're such a failure ad infinitum.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Trying something does not make YOU a failure

Daisy xx

maddiemay

Alex I have not commented since the early days of your blog, but have read regularly, you have come a long way. A lot of your supporters have encouraged you to keep going with the training and you have tried, but if it is not for you it is time to move on with head held high.

Daisy1571 has put it so eloquently, I cannot add to or improve on her comments. Please do not let this push you back into depression and angst, more power to you for having tried. Now get stuck in with the property business and being able to make the time to be the good father and husband that you are.

I am getting awfully close to my three score years and ten, I don't, regret stuff in my life that I have tried, but do sometimes kick myself for the lack of courage in not trying many other things.
MM

Karmacat

AlexLK wrote: »

It often seems like I've been the only one to mess up as badly as I have done. I thought I'd got to an age which meant I was waiting to inherit as my only option for things to be financially alright and I just had to find something to fill my time. What seemed like a good and well researched idea was entered into with the wrong idea of what it was really about.

daisy_1571 wrote: »

I think that's just ego pal, if you look at the diaries on here, the newspapers or listen to almost any other human being you will find there has been times in their lives when they feel they have messed up.

Alex! You are absolutely not the only one to mess up as "badly" as you have. I have two huge mess-ups to my name, life-changing stuff - I stayed on as a trainee in a private psychotherapy institute when I knew the head bloke was psychotic, and I bought my French apartment after doing no due diligence whatsoever. Both of those mistakes had long term (as in, 10 years plus) consequences. You know what, I deal. I grumble sometimes, especially about the French apartment as that's ongoing, but I deal. What you're talking about really isn't a mistake in that sense.

What *you* did is experiment with a new career. When you experiment, you might get "yes", you might get "no". As long as you listen to your answer, it's a success.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Trying something does not make YOU a failure

Daisy xx

I haven't quoted the whole of Daisy's answer for the sake of brevity,but it's brilliant

And I just want to mention a friend of mine, we met when we were doing secretarial work back in the 80s. At different times in her life, she trained as a teacher, a nurse, a police officer, and a prison officer. Now, she works in a prison as a nurse, volunteers there as an art teacher, and does voluntary work for the Greens, and recently did a stint as a local councillor.

A "straight line" doesn't exist any more, it really doesn't.

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badmemory

maddiemay wrote: »

I am getting awfully close to my three score years and ten, I don't, regret stuff in my life that I have tried, but do sometimes kick myself for the lack of courage in not trying many other things.
MM

I'm past mine now & wholeheartedly agree with this.

AlexLK

It's not just the teaching but the choices I've made in life up to this point. Had things not happened the way they did, I (and my wife) would be in a lot better position than we are now.

I'm hardly seeing my son at the moment and am trying to hide how much it hurts. I have had a short temper with him and found myself saying things my father used to say to me as a boy when he just wanted some time to himself. Really not pleased with myself for doing that.

Think I also need to get back into the habit of keeping track of what I'm drinking.