Renovations and Repayments.

kelpie35

That made me feel so sad reading what your son said to you about his mum.

I think you need to take a step back from taking the lead roll in parenting. Could you manage to do that on you holidays. I think you need to speak to your wife about her being "in charge" during the holiday, organizing activities with LK, taking him out on his own etc. If, for some reason LK questions this , just use the excuse that you need to do some work or that you need to rest. Your son is very clever and maybe he has picked up that it is only you that can organise his day to day living but needs to understand that mummy is
in charge too. I am sure he will try to play each of you off but you need to stand firm. Your wife needs to be on board with this too.

As for Christmas I do not understand your parents logic. I think the best idea is if you invite the in-laws to your home for Christmas.

As for your parents, they see you every other day of the year, it is not your fault they don't have friends they can invite or go to visit.

Please, please don't start visiting them every morning before you go to work.

On a much brighter note .......... Lovely to see you posting early in the day and being so positive. Long may it continue.

Hope the sales are going well, look forward to seeing the total you have made.

Take care

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Also spoke to Mrs. K. about Christmas (something else that feels quite wrong at this time of year ). She said she'd like to see her parents and they would like to see us. As mentioned previously, they have all their children / grandchildren in a tiny house. I spoke to my parents this morning and they said they would have lunch in another room if we were to have Christmas at their house, so I'm going to see if the in-laws would agree to that and try to make more of an occasion of it.

Well, they don't because your wife and son aren't there!

I do hope you will consider spending Christmas with the in-laws. This was an issue with an ex of mine a few years back. The first Christmas we lived together his dad had died during the preceding year so it was very natural that we went to his mum. The next year we went too as he felt it was still too soon for her to not have a full house for Christmas (he had a sibling and lots of other relatives locally) and I agreed. In the January I brought up the subject and said that I wanted to spend the next Christmas with my family. He told me that would never happen, that as long as his mum was alive he would always go to her, and he thought I should too because my parents still had each other while his mum was widowed.

Now, his mum was only in her early sixties at that point, my parents were a bit younger. I asked him if he realised this meant he was potentially asking me to never see my mum and dad on Christmas Day again, or my siblings, or my nieces and nephews, or my grandparents for many many years, if ever. That he was expecting them to be ok with never seeing me on Christmas Day, no matter what the year had been like or how circumstances changed.

He was completely set, wouldn't discuss it, so I put this down to it still being difficult for him following his dad's death and hoped he would see it from my point of view as time went on and as his mum got stronger. It never happened, we split up, but can you see that you're asking the same of your wife? Put yourself in her shoes, or my shoes, what would you feel in that situation of being expected to go to your in-laws (and in your case imagine these are in-laws who have been very rude to you and make no effort to welcome you as part of the family, because that's how it is for your wife) every Christmas and a partner who makes it clear that other options are unacceptable?

Sorry if that is long winded and harsh, guess it brought back some memories!

I don't think you should invite the in-laws to your parents' house. Firstly it's ungracious to respond to an invitation with a 'better' invitation as though what you were offered wasn't good enough, and secondly what about all the other family members? You'd be asking them to spend Christmas with strangers who are not known for their tact or for their respectfulness towards this particular group!

Have a Christmassy breakfast with your parents if you must, then go and enjoy a relaxed raucous casual Christmas dinner with your wife's family. It'll do you all good, including your parents as an important part of reducing their dependency on you. There are always clubs and community groups hosting dinners for older people who feel lonely on Christmas Day, or fancy restaurants full of well off older couples too if that's more their style!

On a lighter note, well done on the car sale, how are you enjoying your new bathroom? Are we allowed to see pics?

Suffolk_lass

After the first Christmas with our Son, where we drove 435 miles to my Mum and Dad for Christmas, and then spent 14 hours trying to drive to Devon from Scotland to see my husband's parents I said NO. Since then, we have hosted at our house and my parents alternated with my Sister and so did my in-laws. If we needed to change a year, we did. It has worked well for 24 years

AlexLK

Not had the best few days. My wife applied for a job (without telling me) and now has an interview. Doesn't sound like a problem apart from the fact the job would involve her either having a very long commute or taking on a house for her to stay in Monday - Thursday. The role is a step up but we would be financially worse due to the above. I wasn't very pleased which led to her accusing me of wanting to "play teacher" more than support her with her career. :mad: My plans are apparently selfish and have been made without thinking about our son but her plans are ok...

August Targets:

Summer holiday plans: 1. Trip to R.W. 2. Holiday. 3. Agricultural shows x 3.
My son and I have been to R.W. with my mother-in-law and father-in-law. It was a rather nice day out.
Debts: Pay £1,000 (/ £3,000 to pay)Paid £3,000, sold the car we no longer wanted and IT'S GONE.
Total Grocery Spend: £110 / £400.
Keeping organised: 1. Electronically. 2. Paper diary. 3. Payments / invoices. 4. Teaching / course. 5. General business. This month I want to get all systems in place so they just need updating / tweaking. Getting there.
Spreadsheets / Money tracking: 1. July - bring up to date. Done. 2. Deal with every week in August.
De-clutter and Sell: 1. 2x watches, 1x car. 2. Go through one room and set things aside that need to go. Car has gone but I've not done anything else.
Books read for pleasure: / 3.
Prep tasks for course: / 2.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

I'm glad to hear you're feeling productive and seem to be tackling all the issues head on.

Slightly tongue in cheek Alex, but what do they mean by having lunch in another room? Are they planning to invite all MrsK's family and open up the banqueting hall or make them eat in the servants quarters while they eat in another room.

Been fairly productive getting things ready and working on getting organised.

Nothing sinister, maman. :rotfl:

maman wrote: »

LittleK's comment about your cousin does seem a bit sad but it's understandable. I'm glad MrsK took it on board.

He probably just means a bit more hands on but he'll also know (even unconsciously) that his mother sometimes keeps him at arm's length. I thought it strange at the weekend when you said you'd hope MrsK would take the lead in a project. I know you didn't mean it literally but your son isn't a project and MrsK needs to learn to just 'be' with him even if it helps to have an activity to focus on to help her learn. This is essential, not just for LittleK's wellbeing but to share the parenting with you. From September you won't be the SAHD any more and that has to be recognised or you'll wear yourself out.

My son loves my cousin rather dearly. I think it's a lot to do with horses / similar hobbies and the fact she gives him lots of attention.

I have planned the following term in advance for my son. At Christmas I will plan the next term. I know it makes things a little less spontaneous but if my cousin / wife delivers activities, the information is there and some of the work done for them.

maman wrote: »

I have similar concerns about you visiting your parents before school every day. What if they upset you/have a crisis? That's not going to be a good start to your day.

Sorry, this sounds like a lecture.:o

You're not the only one concerned about visiting them in the morning come September. :rotfl: I'm considering telling them I can't. My mother is intensely jealous of my new work routine and keeps talking about wishing she were not retired.

kelpie35 wrote: »

That made me feel so sad reading what your son said to you about his mum.

I think you need to take a step back from taking the lead roll in parenting. Could you manage to do that on you holidays. I think you need to speak to your wife about her being "in charge" during the holiday, organizing activities with LK, taking him out on his own etc. If, for some reason LK questions this , just use the excuse that you need to do some work or that you need to rest. Your son is very clever and maybe he has picked up that it is only you that can organise his day to day living but needs to understand that mummy is
in charge too. I am sure he will try to play each of you off but you need to stand firm. Your wife needs to be on board with this too.

Sorry Kelpie but I do not wish to spend time away from my son on holiday, that time with him means a lot to me. My wife did once take my son on holiday alone (well, with her brother and his family) and it didn't work out.

kelpie35 wrote: »

As for Christmas I do not understand your parents logic. I think the best idea is if you invite the in-laws to your home for Christmas.

As for your parents, they see you every other day of the year, it is not your fault they don't have friends they can invite or go to visit.

Please, please don't start visiting them every morning before you go to work.

On a much brighter note .......... Lovely to see you posting early in the day and being so positive. Long may it continue.

Hope the sales are going well, look forward to seeing the total you have made.

Take care

You're right about it not being my fault. However, it just wouldn't seem right to me visiting my in-laws (over)full house on Christmas Day whilst my parents were alone. Also, my wife has a sister who has three children (no husband). They do not get along at all and she is guaranteed to be there. We always visit my in-laws on Boxing Day.

Trying to stay positive. Some days are easier than others but for the most part I am succeeding.

I'm looking forward to seeing my total too!

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Well, they don't because your wife and son aren't there!

I do hope you will consider spending Christmas with the in-laws. This was an issue with an ex of mine a few years back. The first Christmas we lived together his dad had died during the preceding year so it was very natural that we went to his mum. The next year we went too as he felt it was still too soon for her to not have a full house for Christmas (he had a sibling and lots of other relatives locally) and I agreed. In the January I brought up the subject and said that I wanted to spend the next Christmas with my family. He told me that would never happen, that as long as his mum was alive he would always go to her, and he thought I should too because my parents still had each other while his mum was widowed.

Now, his mum was only in her early sixties at that point, my parents were a bit younger. I asked him if he realised this meant he was potentially asking me to never see my mum and dad on Christmas Day again, or my siblings, or my nieces and nephews, or my grandparents for many many years, if ever. That he was expecting them to be ok with never seeing me on Christmas Day, no matter what the year had been like or how circumstances changed.

He was completely set, wouldn't discuss it, so I put this down to it still being difficult for him following his dad's death and hoped he would see it from my point of view as time went on and as his mum got stronger. It never happened, we split up, but can you see that you're asking the same of your wife? Put yourself in her shoes, or my shoes, what would you feel in that situation of being expected to go to your in-laws (and in your case imagine these are in-laws who have been very rude to you and make no effort to welcome you as part of the family, because that's how it is for your wife) every Christmas and a partner who makes it clear that other options are unacceptable?

Sorry if that is long winded and harsh, guess it brought back some memories!

I don't think you should invite the in-laws to your parents' house. Firstly it's ungracious to respond to an invitation with a 'better' invitation as though what you were offered wasn't good enough, and secondly what about all the other family members? You'd be asking them to spend Christmas with strangers who are not known for their tact or for their respectfulness towards this particular group!

Have a Christmassy breakfast with your parents if you must, then go and enjoy a relaxed raucous casual Christmas dinner with your wife's family. It'll do you all good, including your parents as an important part of reducing their dependency on you. There are always clubs and community groups hosting dinners for older people who feel lonely on Christmas Day, or fancy restaurants full of well off older couples too if that's more their style!

On a lighter note, well done on the car sale, how are you enjoying your new bathroom? Are we allowed to see pics?

Thank you, Red Squirrel. It is very difficult, isn't it?

My parents will be devastated if I suggest they go to a restaurant or spent the day with people they didn't know. However, I can see your point of view re. it being difficult for my wife and her family. I have not told my wife going to her parents for Christmas will never happen, though.

The new bathroom is wonderful. I will make an update (have started writing it and adding links but just can't seem to get around to finishing it) but don't really want to share pictures of my house. I know it shouldn't bother me after a lot of the things I've put on here but I just don't feel comfortable with sharing pictures of my house, sorry.

AlexLK

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

After the first Christmas with our Son, where we drove 435 miles to my Mum and Dad for Christmas, and then spent 14 hours trying to drive to Devon from Scotland to see my husband's parents I said NO. Since then, we have hosted at our house and my parents alternated with my Sister and so did my in-laws. If we needed to change a year, we did. It has worked well for 24 years

How was the holiday?

Definitely sounds fair in your case, SL. My in-laws are far enough away that they do not live in the same county but are not hundreds of miles away.

kelpie35

I am lost for words re your wife not telling you she has applied for a new job.

All I can say at this moment Alex, is keep strong and don't allow anyone to put you off teaching. You will not only shock yourself but those closest to you at how well you will do.

I am sure that all your "friends" here on MSE are all rooting for you.

Take care

Suffolk_lass

AlexLK wrote: »

How was the holiday?

We're still away (just have decent broadband in the Villa!) We have not eaten out for this leg of the "road-trip" as we have no choice while travelling and staying in hotels, so quieter evenings I had time to catch up on some diaries. It doesn't quite hit the diary for "things I did on my holidays" but it keeps me happy.


Not so good - Lots of nippy things this year and some horrendous storms in the mountains (a pleasure boat turned over on the Lake on Sunday and someone was lost overboard)


Good things - lots of lovely sun and relaxation too. Time to reflect. Life is good. Debts are manageable, no need to panic, that sort of thing. Holidays kind of give you back your sense of perspective !

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

I wasn't very pleased which led to her accusing me of wanting to "play teacher" more than support her with her career. :mad: My plans are apparently selfish and have been made without thinking about our son but her plans are ok...

:mad::mad::mad: I think you've more than supported your wife in her career. By many people's standards she leads a charmed life seeming to have almost no domestic/childcare responsibilities at all so she can focus on her career. Even her job doesn't seem as pressured or time consuming as many. Her views are positively archaic and incredibly selfish.


Although I don't think you should have to plan all the childcare for LittleK the fact that you have means you will be able to manage without MrsK's support but that doesn't make it right.


Your parents/mother are being similarly selfish. I think it's amazing that you're embarking on a new career whereas your immediate family seem more intent on pouring cold water or putting obstacle in the way etc etc. Be strong!!:T

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

then go and enjoy a relaxed raucous casual Christmas dinner with your wife's family. It'll do you all good...

Somehow I can't imagine Alex doing raucous :eek::rotfl:


Now you've explained that MrsK doesn't really get on with her sister then perhaps going Boxing Day is a better idea after all.:)



Don't know if you saw these articles Alex?

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-government-is-stifling-the-creativity-we-desperately-need-dnjlxplgp


https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/choir-joys-lhq96k5nm


I don't know who wrote the second one but seems to have missed what's happening in schools.

Red-Squirrel_2

If your wife wishes to take a step further in her career, I think that is just as deserving of respect and support as you wishing to take a PGCE and become a teacher. You both have a right to a fulfilling work life. What it will need is for you both to be able to calmly discuss the practicalities without it turning into an argument. It was wrong for her to belittle your teaching, but I'm afraid I think it was also wrong for you to be 'not pleased' that she's got an interview for a promotion.

Maybe she didn't tell you about applying because if she wasn't shortlisted there'd be no point getting into it? She's told you now that there's a good possibility of it happening.

Completely understand about not putting pictures of your home on here, don't worry at all!