Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

You're welcome on the other thread Alex. See you in July maybe but not too late for this month.:)

Yes, I think I do need to get back over onto the other thread, does keep it in check somewhat.

Alchemilla wrote: »

Hi Alex.
Thanks for your very frank reply.

I am not trying to suggest you are a drunk (pot, kettle, black!) And of course there is nothing wrong with looking after one's elderly parents.

Its just that some reasons for your black dog did rather leap out at me and I wondered what you thought.

Hi Alchemilla,

Thanks. Today I have been thinking about what I can do to start improving my problems. Having looked again into potentially going into teaching and realising if I can work on my health, I would likely be allowed to do the course, I think there's something to work for. Even if I decide to carry on as I am but start to improve my health, that will be better for my family.

Everybody has told me I need to start letting go of the past. Perhaps for once I should listen. I didn't really want to admit this but my parents do contribute as nothing I can do is good enough and they talk about the past a lot. Their favourite topic at the moment seems to be reminding me how badly I have dealt with my finances in the past.

edinburgher wrote: »

Alcohol is a depressant, it does! :coffee:

Ultimately, you're right. These days I don't drink too much, up until a couple of years ago I couldn't remember a time during my adult life that I'd chosen not to drink of an evening. Trying to get debt free was actually the reason for me vastly cutting back (expensive unnecessary "hobby") but it did help in other ways.

I think I'm going to cut it back to one bottle of wine shared with my wife on a Saturday evening again, so will join you with a cup of tea tomorrow.

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Currently going through issues with my gran, I cannot emphasise enough the stress and pressure it puts on family life, we have many family members involved in helping my gran too. Don't promise what you may not be able to deliver regarding caring for your parents when the time comes, it's perfectly possible to be there for them in support and let others care for them. I know my gran feels far happier when a nurse is helping her wash and would most certainly not let us do that.

Plus depending on circumstances, could you be there 24 hours a day getting up in the night and caring in the day if needs be? They need the best care and support, which may well have to include other people.

Ps I have to say I would not want to spend every Xmas with my inlaws too, sorry if that offends

Thank you for making me think about this. I hope your grandmother is somewhat better.

I suppose I've always presumed my wife and I will move to my parents' house in the next few years but having had another discussion with my wife about that today, I don't know whether that will happen or not. To cut a long story short, my parents said some things to my wife today that were not very nice and I was quite shocked as I thought my parents had now accepted whom I chose to marry.

My wife accepts that her parents have other children and grandchildren whereas mine would be alone on occasions like Christmas.

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

Like Newgirly says be careful what you promise.
My mum is nearly 89, years ago she asked me to promise that she would never have to go into a nursing home. I was strong enough to say that I could not promise that but that I would do everything possible to keep her at home.
Fast forward to now. She has carers 4 times a day and District Nurses 4 times a day and is thankfully still at home. We managed to get the care package we needed but the main thing for me, is that it has to work without my daily input. I work full time but the professionals were very happy to ask me to look after things, and seemed surprised when I said no. The expectations on you as an only child are high.
Just make sure you know what the boundaries are Alex before everyone assumes the boundaries for you. It's a difficult line to tread, and if you throw guilt and emotions into the mix at the same time, then you will never feel you have done enough.

Thank you. I don't suppose I'd really considered the practicalities as my mother is still in very good health but I do realise there will become a time when she is not quite so strong. At the moment, she is capable of looking after their house but wants to be reassured I will be able to care for their house when it becomes my house.

slowcoachme wrote: »

Your parents DID get the opportunity to get to know you and spend time with you when you were younger, they just chose not to by immersing themselves in their business and creating their wealth, even to the extent of palming you off onto an aunt during the holidays.
This type of parenting has had a massive impact on your life, I don't think you owe them anything.

My parents sacrificed a lot to do what they needed to in order to secure a better life for future generations of my family. I was not and am not their priority as they've (always had) bigger fish to fry.

AlexLK

Financial / house news for the weekend before I go to bed, late again.

* £40 put into the savings.
* Another potential £40 to add tomorrow.
* I spent some time today making my music / sitting room look a bit more presentable and finally moved a bookcase from the study to the music room, which I'd been meaning to do for a long time.
* My wife and I spent some time looking at potential new bathroom designs as we think this it what we'll spend part of the savings on. The current set up has not been changed since the fifties / early sixties (for a guess) and as much as I like old things, it's utterly vile.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

To cut a long story short, my parents said some things to my wife today that were not very nice and I was quite shocked as I thought my parents had now accepted whom I chose to marry.

My parents sacrificed a lot to do what they needed to in order to secure a better life for future generations of my family. I was not and am not their priority as they've (always had) bigger fish to fry.

First paragraph - oh no

Second paragraph - ...through someone else's eyes, Alex, that's really sad.

HBS x

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

First paragraph - oh no

Second paragraph - ...through someone else's eyes, Alex, that's really sad.

HBS x

Not really something I can do anything about, HBS.

AlexLK

Day one of sorting my life, health, house and finances is not going too badly. I managed to get up at a reasonable time, make the £40 for the savings before daring to visit Bakewell on a Monday (market day) with my son. We did have lunch out as it's a nice day I thought he'd enjoy sitting by the river and feeding the ducks, OK so did I.

This afternoon I've managed to make some more progress on the windows which means I'm over half way there. Just waiting for Mrs. K. arriving back before I have an evening of music teaching. No dinner to cook this evening as it's Mrs. K.'s turn.

Alchemilla

Sounds like a lovely father and son time.

Oof to the parentals speaking to your wife in a way you wouldn't want them to.

edinburgher

With the exception of your parents, that sounds like an enjoyable and productive couple of days Alex

Well done with the savings, you seem to make the pennies quite quickly!

You are a respectful and loving son, but I excuse me for being annoyed with your parents on your behalf... You can't choose your family, but you did choose who you married

Secret_Saving_Squirrel

My parents are in their seventies and doing fine health wise. They have been quite awful to myself and my sister over the past fifteen years or so though and hearing these stories does make me wonder if they will expect us to step up and become carers when the time comes. those stereotypically sweet elderly people on TV are nothing like the reality.

Goldiegirl

Many years ago, my mum told me that, if she was unable to care for herself, she would prefer for me to find a decent care home for her, rather than for me to try and look after her myself.

At the time I rolled my eyes at her, as I couldn't imagine her ever being in that type of situation.

Fast forward 20 years, after my dad died, my mum was in the middle stages of Alzheimers, and I had to make decisions about her future.

She lived in Essex, I live in Kent, and she needed 24 hour attention. It was a tough thing to do, but I found a nice care home for her, and she was happy there for the remaining years of her life.

I knew that her needs were too great for me to manage on my own, and I am eternally grateful that she had spoken about this subject, so I didn't have to feel guilty.

Alex, I'm fairly sure that you don't want to take on the business and it would be a complete disaster for you and your wife and son to move in with your parents. You'd be at your parents beck and call 24/7, even more than you are now.


The best thing your parents could do for you, and for them, is to sell the business, sell the house, and buy a smaller residence that is more manageable, and when the time comes, they could pay for the best of care.



As I said nearly two years ago, their house isn't Downton Abbey - it's just a house. There's no need to lumber future generations with something they don't want.




It's natural for a person to want to make sure that their parents are looked after in their old age. But given their attitude to your wife, I rather think you need to think about your priorities.... who comes first, your wife and son, or your parents.