Renovations and Repayments.

newgirly

The last line above from GG is something that I've wanted to say but couldn't find the words without being a bit rude

Goldiegirl

I've been following Alex's story on and off for two years, and know that some of the themes repeat themselves over and over.....


I know that, with Alex, sometimes you need to call a spade a spade!


But Alex knows I mean it in a caring way!

newgirly

No offence to you at all GG, I admire a bit of tough love

AlexLK

Alchemilla wrote: »

Sounds like a lovely father and son time.

Oof to the parentals speaking to your wife in a way you wouldn't want them to.

Thanks, I've had a nice day.

Did manage to speak to my parents about what they said and they have apologised. It happens a lot, one of them says something offensive (not just to my wife) then they always side with each other as it's them against the world. The next day they apologise, wondering why nobody else visits them apart from me.

edinburgher wrote: »

With the exception of your parents, that sounds like an enjoyable and productive couple of days Alex

Well done with the savings, you seem to make the pennies quite quickly!

You are a respectful and loving son, but I excuse me for being annoyed with your parents on your behalf... You can't choose your family, but you did choose who you married

Thanks, I'm a lot better today. Keeping busy helps, I'm dreading Thursday and Friday already as nothing is planned for those days, likely won't want to get up.

I'm OK at making the pennies when I put my mind to it but during the months I cannot be bothered, I make very little. I suppose that's why I'm interested in doing a bit of investing alongside the things that require more effort.

You are right that you cannot choose your family, sometimes my parents greatly annoy me but I'm sure most people would say the same.

Secret_Saving_Squirrel wrote: »

My parents are in their seventies and doing fine health wise. They have been quite awful to myself and my sister over the past fifteen years or so though and hearing these stories does make me wonder if they will expect us to step up and become carers when the time comes. those stereotypically sweet elderly people on TV are nothing like the reality.

:rotfl: I think there are plenty of very entitled elderly people that think respect is given rather than earnt.

AlexLK

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Many years ago, my mum told me that, if she was unable to care for herself, she would prefer for me to find a decent care home for her, rather than for me to try and look after her myself.

At the time I rolled my eyes at her, as I couldn't imagine her ever being in that type of situation.

Fast forward 20 years, after my dad died, my mum was in the middle stages of Alzheimers, and I had to make decisions about her future.

She lived in Essex, I live in Kent, and she needed 24 hour attention. It was a tough thing to do, but I found a nice care home for her, and she was happy there for the remaining years of her life.

I knew that her needs were too great for me to manage on my own, and I am eternally grateful that she had spoken about this subject, so I didn't have to feel guilty.

Alex, I'm fairly sure that you don't want to take on the business and it would be a complete disaster for you and your wife and son to move in with your parents. You'd be at your parents beck and call 24/7, even more than you are now.

The best thing your parents could do for you, and for them, is to sell the business, sell the house, and buy a smaller residence that is more manageable, and when the time comes, they could pay for the best of care.

As I said nearly two years ago, their house isn't Downton Abbey - it's just a house. There's no need to lumber future generations with something they don't want.

It's natural for a person to want to make sure that their parents are looked after in their old age. But given their attitude to your wife, I rather think you need to think about your priorities.... who comes first, your wife and son, or your parents.

Thank you for your advice, Goldiegirl.

I would like to take on the business, looking after their properties would not be a full time job. In the long term I have an ambition to turn their 12 properties into a round 20, as I would like to do my bit to ensure the future of my family. This is perhaps something I won't manage and if it doesn't happen, it won't be the end of the world.

Keeping their house (in the family) is both very important to them and me. No it is not "Downton Abbey" but it's a property I am very fond of and one that I feel very lucky to say is "home". Personally, whilst I would like to think the property would be passed to my son and he would be as fond of the place as I am, that is not the be all and end all for me. I understand why it is for my parents though.

That said, I do respect your comments and there are times when I seriously consider telling my parents that I do not want my future inheritance. Sometimes I think it's not really helping me but in reality I know I'm not going to be in a position to do as well for myself as they did. I am aware that without financial help from my parents I would not be able to afford to give my son a good education, have a decent retirement in the future or somewhere nice to live. In the short term, if I severed contact with my parents I'd have no way of making an income outside of the music teaching and would owe them a lot of money. However, it's not really about money as apart from my wife and son they are my only close family and in their own strange way they care.

Goldiegirl

Hi Alex.

I'm on my iPad at the moment, and I'm not very good at doing quotes on the iPad, so I'll type out something you said on post #233 on the 15th

'I was not and am not their priority as they've (always had) bigger fish to fry'

Yet in your last post you say they care (albeit in a strange way)

It just doesn't add up.

You've also mentioned your desire to keep the house as it's 'home'. The first thing that springs to mind that home is where your wife and son live. The second thing that springs to mind is that why would you want to hang on to a 'home' that you seem to have spent a miserable childhood in?

Then there's the business. You've always struck me as an artistic type, and not a business type - why would you want to run a property development business that you aren't really cut out for?

I won't even start on the whole private education thing, only to say that in a good state school you get an excellent education, and a child will achieve their full potential if they work hard. Plus, your private education doesn't seem to have made you very happy..... Why would you want your son to have the same education, when it didn't work for you?

As an only child myself I do understand the feeling of responsibility that comes as your parents age, but at least forbid them to trash-talk your wife - you wife needs support too.

When the time comes for you to come into your inheritance, the house and the business could be a complete millstone around your next, and then you'll pass the same millstone to your son!

You could use the inheritance to give you, your wife and son a dream life.

What if, you sold the house and business and had all that money behind you so you could train as a teacher, and then open a little music school.

Wouldn't that be better than living in a house that held bad memories and running a business that you were unsuited for.

AlexLK

It is far too late and I doubt this will really be coherent as I've been working from 11am and only just stopped, apart from a 40 minute break for dinner. Anyhow...

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Hi Alex.

I'm on my iPad at the moment, and I'm not very good at doing quotes on the iPad, so I'll type out something you said on post #233 on the 15th

'I was not and am not their priority as they've (always had) bigger fish to fry'

Yet in your last post you say they care (albeit in a strange way)

It just doesn't add up.

Just because I'm not their number one priority, doesn't mean they don't care about what happens to me and the future of my family. In fact, they care very much about the future of my family.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

You've also mentioned your desire to keep the house as it's 'home'. The first thing that springs to mind that home is where your wife and son live. The second thing that springs to mind is that why would you want to hang on to a 'home' that you seem to have spent a miserable childhood in?

I have always been very fond of my parents' house, it is a beautiful place both inside and out.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Then there's the business. You've always struck me as an artistic type, and not a business type - why would you want to run a property development business that you aren't really cut out for?

I do not have a problem with taking over their business. It irks me somewhat that I do a lot of work for them for nothing but I see why it is the way it is.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I won't even start on the whole private education thing, only to say that in a good state school you get an excellent education, and a child will achieve their full potential if they work hard. Plus, your private education doesn't seem to have made you very happy..... Why would you want your son to have the same education, when it didn't work for you?

I really enjoyed my time at school and went on to do well at university so fail to see how my education has not worked for me? Furthermore, how my current level of happiness relates to which school I attended, I really have not a clue?

I understand there are good state schools and my son will be attending one from September until he is 7.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

As an only child myself I do understand the feeling of responsibility that comes as your parents age, but at least forbid them to trash-talk your wife - you wife needs support too.

When the time comes for you to come into your inheritance, the house and the business could be a complete millstone around your next, and then you'll pass the same millstone to your son!

You could use the inheritance to give you, your wife and son a dream life.

What if, you sold the house and business and had all that money behind you so you could train as a teacher, and then open a little music school.

Wouldn't that be better than living in a house that held bad memories and running a business that you were unsuited for.

My wife is a big girl who is more than capable of looking after herself. However, I have stated that I find their comments inappropriate both recently and in the past.

As for what I do with my future inheritance, I respect my parents wishes and do not wish to spend the money. Yes, really. Surely providing for the future generations of one's family fits in with the ethos of MSE?

SuperSecretSquirrel

AlexLK wrote: »

Surely providing for the future generations of one's family fits in with the ethos of MSE?

To a degree, yes. Too much and you risk a listless aimless spoilt next generation. Not being the master of your destiny, feeling powerless to affect real change, a feeling that all your efforts are futile, symptoms of having too much provided for you, per the millionaire next door which we've both read.

We see it in spoilt brat socialites squandering their trust funds on drugs etc, self-destructive behaviour which I reckon is rooted in never having known struggle, achievement, personal satisfaction.

Enlightened millionaires like Bill and Melinda Gates will pass on a small inheritance to their children, the remainder to worthwhile causes. One of the Dragons (I forget which one) pledged to double their child's salary if they took on a job that made a difference e.g nursing as opposed to kicking back and waiting for the inheritance. End result, more well rounded individuals.

When I read about your wife wanting to make your house a home and to stay there I see something very admirable in her. There's a drive there to make a success of your own lives, to make it on your own terms and be happy with what you've achieved for yourselves. I expect she would be infinitely happier in a humble home owned outright paid for by your own efforts and in some areas even built by your own hands than she would be in someone else's grand home that eventually came to her by luck. I would feel exactly the same way on this.

Finally, I don't mean to be rude, but reverting to living with parents is not a reasonable option for a man over a certain age (barring exceptional circumstances). Certainly not once you have a family of your own. Based on how your parents seem to treat your wife I doubt you all living together would end well.

Goldiegirl

Alex, you are a nice chap, but I'm afraid I won't be posting here again. I wish you well, and hope that you are able to become your own man one day

AlexLK

SuperSecretSquirrel wrote: »

To a degree, yes. Too much and you risk a listless aimless spoilt next generation. Not being the master of your destiny, feeling powerless to affect real change, a feeling that all your efforts are futile, symptoms of having too much provided for you, per the millionaire next door which we've both read.

We see it in spoilt brat socialites squandering their trust funds on drugs etc, self-destructive behaviour which I reckon is rooted in never having known struggle, achievement, personal satisfaction.

Enlightened millionaires like Bill and Melinda Gates will pass on a small inheritance to their children, the remainder to worthwhile causes. One of the Dragons (I forget which one) pledged to double their child's salary if they took on a job that made a difference e.g nursing as opposed to kicking back and waiting for the inheritance. End result, more well rounded individuals.

I understand this and am aware I fall into the aimless, spoilt next generation. Unfortunately, I cannot help how I feel about myself, so doubt anything would help. I do not want this for my son and I'm quite determined to have him grow up understanding that money doesn't grow on trees.

SuperSecretSquirrel wrote: »

When I read about your wife wanting to make your house a home and to stay there I see something very admirable in her. There's a drive there to make a success of your own lives, to make it on your own terms and be happy with what you've achieved for yourselves. I expect she would be infinitely happier in a humble home owned outright paid for by your own efforts and in some areas even built by your own hands than she would be in someone else's grand home that eventually came to her by luck. I would feel exactly the same way on this.

Finally, I don't mean to be rude, but reverting to living with parents is not a reasonable option for a man over a certain age (barring exceptional circumstances). Certainly not once you have a family of your own. Based on how your parents seem to treat your wife I doubt you all living together would end well.

Things are different for my wife because the house she grew up in wasn't very nice at all. The house we live in is quite a step up from the one she grew up in. She does indeed have a drive to make a success of her own life and I'm very proud of her for that.