Renovations and Repayments.

Watty1

If I could like Fay's last post more than once I would.

AlexLK

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Is your boiler 2 years or over 2 years old. Check the guarantee/warranty, mine had 2 year warranty and had to have the fan replaced just before the 2 years was up, free of charge :money:

Thanks, A Frayed Knot. I'm not sure, think I'll go over there tomorrow and see if my wife and I can find the paperwork for it. :eek:

Fay wrote: »

As a psychologist and therapist, I certainly believe the relationship is extremely import at. A good therapeutic relationship isn't enough to help you change but I think it's a necessary condition for good therapy, yes. You don't need to like your therapist but you need to trust them and have faith in them and the model of therapy they're using. I see so many people who have written off forms of therapy because the person practicing it wasn't experienced, or frankly very good, or they didn't follow the therapy through. Do your own research about therapy before you go-it's a two way relationship and you have to put the effort in or you'll never get the results you want. I use the fame analogy with clients, when you hit the bits in therapy that are working and will make a difference...recovery costs and here is where you start paying. Work hard and you can change.
Of course you won't be cured, because what you are working on is you, you can change but why would you want to cure you? You're a complex human being, fabulously callable like all of us, you just want to change some of the facets of yourself that you've noticed aren't helpful.
I'm going to be quiet now! I think I've said enough and its up to you to decide what you want to do from here in. A forum won't give you the answers though, trust me on that one.

Thanks, trust is a big issue for me, I can't say I completely trust anybody and I know this makes getting treatment difficult.

Considering there's nothing I like about myself, curing me would be the best cause of action, I think. Yes, I know that's not helpful.

Anyway, thank you. Not sure I'll ever get any answers.

AlexLK

Fay wrote: »

I couldn't not say something about this though Alex. Maybe this is why you have some of the issues you do. You up were protected from the real world and grew up with some beliefs that have been proved to be very unhelpful, and yet you want to repeat this with your son. Why shouldn't your son know that there is true poverty in the UK? Or that anyone, given the right circumstances, can find theirselves without food, homeless or in a disgusting they never thought they could be? You're not actually protecting him, you're helping him to live in a state of denial...perfect breeding ground for later psychological problems.

Let him live in the world as it is and learn how to live in it, without changing it or trying to pretend it isn't how it is. That's real life, that will build resilience, that will build understanding and strength.

Watty1 wrote: »

If I could like Fay's last post more than once I would.

The last thing I want is for my son to someday have psychological problems, just like I don't want him to be sad, angry or upset by some of the cruel things that go on in this world, I'd rather he simply didn't know in the first place. Of course, I don't want him to live in a state of denial either but it hardly seems right to be honest about the fact that there are people who don't have enough to eat or somewhere to call home.

I don't think knowing about these things has helped me at all. I am a lot more tolerant than I once was but I have sleepless nights thinking about how some of the pupils in the school I volunteer at will be able to study due to their home circumstances.

It seems no matter how much I try I get it wrong.

AlexLK

Quiet and cheap Saturday had us playing board games for a large proportion of the evening with my son, parents and Mrs K. During the day we went to a car supermarket to look at the cars Mrs K is interested in for her company car. She surprisingly preferred the C class from the cars offered but we didn't manage to see every model at the supermarket. However, she's now acknowledging the 5 Series is coming to the end of it's life with us and that a company car for her work would be a good idea. Also, the cars on her list would cut our fuel bills significantly, though I'm not sure whether to believe the literature. Apparently a C220d is meant to do 54mpg "urban", which is the lowest figure. Her 5 struggles to do 25 and she does do a lot of miles for work.

We were also considering buying a late 2009 XJ 2.7 diesel as we both like those and they are the last of the classic shape for her work which would cost us about £15,000 but as we've other cars for fun, the sensible idea seems to be her having a new company car with no maintenance and cheaper fuel bills. Also having now driven the C class, we were both pleasantly surprised. Mind, we had just stepped out of the Defender.

Anyhow, car dilemmas aside, the weather has been awful, so walking the dogs was not a lot of fun but we've at least managed to not spent any money.

Fay

AlexLK wrote: »

The last thing I want is for my son to someday have psychological problems, just like I don't want him to be sad, angry or upset by some of the cruel things that go on in this world, I'd rather he simply didn't know in the first place. Of course, I don't want him to live in a state of denial either but it hardly seems right to be honest about the fact that there are people who don't have enough to eat or somewhere to call home.

I don't think knowing about these things has helped me at all. I am a lot more tolerant than I once was but I have sleepless nights thinking about how some of the pupils in the school I volunteer at will be able to study due to their home circumstances.

It seems no matter how much I try I get it wrong.

maybe you should try to think about some of the things you write on here and see if you can gain some personal insight to your unhappiness. You learn things later in life that trouble you now. Yet you want the same to happen to your son. He will learn about reality, the difference is whether you teach him about it and help him adjust to it, or whether you leave him to discover it as you did once he has already built up an unrealistic view of the world. He latter is a big shock.

hiddenshadow

Fay wrote: »

He will learn about reality, the difference is whether you teach him about it and help him adjust to it, or whether you leave him to discover it as you did once he has already built up an unrealistic view of the world. He latter is a big shock.

^^this!!!

The world is not going to become a less cruel/demanding place, as much as we wish it would. If you gradually introduce LittleK to the concepts of hunger/poverty/ignorance/war/etc (as well as possible negative life events that may happen to you/him - illness, job struggles, and so on), he will be better equipped to deal with them in a productive way (rather than your sleepless nights, which arguably don't help anyone). If he grows up thinking that everyone lives the same charmed life that he does, he's going to hit the ground with a bump someday - either through exposure to other peoples' problems or those of his own.

Teaching him about life/world circumstances, and especially teaching him compassion/tolerance in regards to those things is not going to traumatise him. Yes, he may be sad at the thought of children not having enough to eat, or parents not being interested in their children's education/well-being (as you clearly are with him), but if he learns about it as "this is the way the world is, we can do x/y/z or think a/b/c to help change it" he has the tools to cope with/possibly change those negative things.

Debsnewbudget

My son is a caring compassionate 22 year old who started work at 17 and has this last year travelled extensively
When he was 5 he heard about Save the Children charity, asked for his own charity box and used to go and shake it in front of any visitors I had and encourage them to give some money so that the charity could provide hats for children who were cold.
When he was 16 we visited the killing fields in Cambodia whilst we were there for 3 weeks teaching in an orphanage.
There are and were atrocities in The world but by introducing them in a simple age related way to your children you help them come to terms with inequalities, and also allow them to care enough to try and do something to help others.

Use the fact that recognising inequalities/differences has come as a shock to you at an older age where you feel almost paralysed by it, to help him now. Maybe have a chat when you next see a charity donation box or make a conscious decision with him to give to a food bank when you are shopping.
It doesnt have to be grand gestures, just small ones will help someone.

As an aside, I went to university and assumed all through that he would as well, as he was an able and bright student. When he decided not to it came as a bit of a shock, but I am very proud of his achievements to date and will always support him. Some things dont work out according to our plans for them

AlexLK

Fay wrote: »

maybe you should try to think about some of the things you write on here and see if you can gain some personal insight to your unhappiness. You learn things later in life that trouble you now. Yet you want the same to happen to your son. He will learn about reality, the difference is whether you teach him about it and help him adjust to it, or whether you leave him to discover it as you did once he has already built up an unrealistic view of the world. He latter is a big shock.

I think you're right, Fay. I'll admit I write things on here, especially late at night and often regret it. I've started to realise nothing is going to change unless I have a fundamental shift in attitude about myself. Unfortunately, my problems affect not just me but my family and also our finances.

The last thing I want for my son is for him to grow to be unhappy and anxious.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

^^this!!!

The world is not going to become a less cruel/demanding place, as much as we wish it would. If you gradually introduce LittleK to the concepts of hunger/poverty/ignorance/war/etc (as well as possible negative life events that may happen to you/him - illness, job struggles, and so on), he will be better equipped to deal with them in a productive way (rather than your sleepless nights, which arguably don't help anyone). If he grows up thinking that everyone lives the same charmed life that he does, he's going to hit the ground with a bump someday - either through exposure to other peoples' problems or those of his own.

Teaching him about life/world circumstances, and especially teaching him compassion/tolerance in regards to those things is not going to traumatise him. Yes, he may be sad at the thought of children not having enough to eat, or parents not being interested in their children's education/well-being (as you clearly are with him), but if he learns about it as "this is the way the world is, we can do x/y/z or think a/b/c to help change it" he has the tools to cope with/possibly change those negative things.

Thanks, that's given me a lot to think about.

I'll admit the way the world is traumatises me and has ever since realising that it's often not someone's fault for ending up in difficult circumstances. It often concerns me that my son doesn't have such a "charmed life" and what my wife and I can afford to give him is nowhere close to enough. Mrs K doesn't see this at all.

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

My son is a caring compassionate 22 year old who started work at 17 and has this last year travelled extensively
When he was 5 he heard about Save the Children charity, asked for his own charity box and used to go and shake it in front of any visitors I had and encourage them to give some money so that the charity could provide hats for children who were cold.
When he was 16 we visited the killing fields in Cambodia whilst we were there for 3 weeks teaching in an orphanage.
There are and were atrocities in The world but by introducing them in a simple age related way to your children you help them come to terms with inequalities, and also allow them to care enough to try and do something to help others.

Use the fact that recognising inequalities/differences has come as a shock to you at an older age where you feel almost paralysed by it, to help him now. Maybe have a chat when you next see a charity donation box or make a conscious decision with him to give to a food bank when you are shopping.
It doesnt have to be grand gestures, just small ones will help someone.

As an aside, I went to university and assumed all through that he would as well, as he was an able and bright student. When he decided not to it came as a bit of a shock, but I am very proud of his achievements to date and will always support him. Some things dont work out according to our plans for them

Thanks, Debs. Not really sure what to say to your post. I suppose I'm quite humbled.

ourcornercottage

You sound a little better tonight, the posts over the last few days have given you a lot to think about.

Very useful advise for all of us with kids. Miniocc has a charmed life in my opinion where the biggest worry of his friendship group is to watch out for the sportscars and 4by4's in the carpark at school and which of the lovely parents is taking them to beavers/football/dance/rugby with no complaint.

I must admit I do try to keep a reality check in order for him, we travel in asia a fair amount and he knows all about real poverty. At school they collected for the food bank and made christmas boxes to be sent to africa. I got him to watch a clip on you tube of kids opening the boxes to get a bit of reality about how important those christmas boxes are for the kids that get them. It really shocked him, but not in a bad way.

Nice to see you a little more positive anyhow

AlexLK

Managed to have quite a good day today. Our son has seen both sets of grandparents and we had a look at a few more cars. Also worked out how much having a car will cost (c. £250) from Mrs K's wages. If these cars really do 54mpg, she'll be saving about £150 per month in fuel by running a company car. Meaning the car in effect costs £100 per month and we'll have one less bill for tax, insurance and maintenance. Considering we'd be spending £15,000 on a replacement for the 5 (selling the TR6 and putting a little extra to it, meaning the house stays as it is for longer), the company car seems a good idea. Unfortunately, it will negatively impact on Mrs K's wages. Currently she gets a car / fuel allowance which I believe is taxed and also pays enough into a pension that her wage falls under the higher tax threshold. Obviously, she'd lose the allowance and be paying for the company car. However, the allowance isn't enough for her to be able to lease the same car.

Anyhow, no cars bought despite visiting a few dealers, though I did consider making an application to the Bank of Mum and Dad for a new F-type today. :rotfl: One to go in the dream garage, I think.

ETA: £30 transferred to savings.

ourcornercottage wrote: »

You sound a little better tonight, the posts over the last few days have given you a lot to think about.

Very useful advise for all of us with kids. Miniocc has a charmed life in my opinion where the biggest worry of his friendship group is to watch out for the sportscars and 4by4's in the carpark at school and which of the lovely parents is taking them to beavers/football/dance/rugby with no complaint.

I must admit I do try to keep a reality check in order for him, we travel in asia a fair amount and he knows all about real poverty. At school they collected for the food bank and made christmas boxes to be sent to africa. I got him to watch a clip on you tube of kids opening the boxes to get a bit of reality about how important those christmas boxes are for the kids that get them. It really shocked him, but not in a bad way.

Nice to see you a little more positive anyhow

Yes, I've a lot to think about and fortunately a little better owing to a good day.

There's nothing wrong with a 4x4 ... so long as it's a Land Rover. I wish more parents drove sports cars at son's school, I may have something to talk to them about but most have ugly little modern hatches, Japanese 4x4s and the odd Volvo.

Can't say we travel these days. The KS2 class makes Christmas boxes at my son's school, I'd think showing KS1 children why they're being sent would be too upsetting.