Renovations and Repayments.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Not sure the comfort in my present surroundings is at all artificial, I like being here and look forward to the day my current house is sold and my family and I live here on a permanent basis. On an MSE note it is very nice to know no money is owed to the bank and therefore no pressure to pay a mortgage.

I don't suppose it's any more artificial than a lottery win or other similar way of sorting out finances overnight. I suppose that as a method of becoming debt/mortgage free it's so removed from reality for most people that they find it hard to relate to.


Then there's the expectation most (?) people have that they'll sort their finances out for themselves by their own efforts. While that's becoming rarer as more and more people need the 'bank of mum and dad' to help them onto the property ladder, I don't think the majority want or expect that help to be ongoing throughout their adult lives.


For me the most worrying thing is that while it might give you pleasure to be with your parents, in handsome spacious surroundings and free of any money worries, I don't think MrsK shares your vision for the future:(.

AlexLK

SueP19 wrote: »

Spot on, believing something bad will happen is the next stage, after that is true hopelessness. It becomes almost a comfort blanket, to keep the lows close to protect against the highs, because the highs become too painful.

I really don't want things to get to that stage. Over this past week or so I've been making an effort to keep busy, I've been so tired at night that I'm going to bed at a fairly sensible time and sleeping quite well. However, I've been here before and can only sustain it for so long.

maman wrote: »

I don't suppose it's any more artificial than a lottery win or other similar way of sorting out finances overnight. I suppose that as a method of becoming debt/mortgage free it's so removed from reality for most people that they find it hard to relate to.

Then there's the expectation most (?) people have that they'll sort their finances out for themselves by their own efforts. While that's becoming rarer as more and more people need the 'bank of mum and dad' to help them onto the property ladder, I don't think the majority want or expect that help to be ongoing throughout their adult lives.

For me the most worrying thing is that while it might give you pleasure to be with your parents, in handsome spacious surroundings and free of any money worries, I don't think MrsK shares your vision for the future:(.

Really not sure how you can equate wanting to carry my parents' business forward, helping them with their dog / shopping / cooking and wanting to live here permanently (which would be better for my son and parents) with a "lottery win". To be quite honest, I find that rather offensive, maman. It's not the case that I'm sitting around idle all day and squandering my parents' money to live some life of luxury.

These past few weeks have been some of the ones I've spent the least.

As for my wife, she's become far too familiar with holding all the cards.

newgirly

You sound like you don't like your wife very much Alex

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

You sound like you don't like your wife very much Alex

She and I have our differences, mainly over our finances and where we live. For years now I've been told she doesn't care about my opinion on such matters due to the fact it's, for the most part, "her money".

Suppose it's nice to get away from it and not wonder when something going to happen and you're told you are no longer welcome.

SueP19

AlexLK wrote: »

I really don't want things to get to that stage. Over this past week or so I've been making an effort to keep busy, I've been so tired at night that I'm going to bed at a fairly sensible time and sleeping quite well. However, I've been here before and can only sustain it for so long.

A familiar tale, my OH does that, just wears himself out just to sleep and to keep the demons away. It is unsustainable and you have my utter sympathy, maybe those that criticise should spend a month in your shoes to understand how it feels. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

AlexLK wrote: »

Suppose it's nice to get away from it and not wonder when something going to happen and you're told you are no longer welcome.

To live with constant idea that a loved will leave or you will have to leave is torture, my OH has had this fear for years despite my reassurances, years ago I asked him why he pushed me so much and his answer was that if I left now he would be able to get on with the pain he would feel instead of the agony that it could be tomorrow. We have been married 27 years now and he still feels like this, which I find sad, for him and for me.

I am going to stick my neck out now and suggest that your wife has built a wall around herself to protect her from the hurt she feels, it's what I did/have done

For some of the other posters.............It's easy to save, overpay your mortgage, be a financial guru without these terrible emotions but I defy anyone to try when they face this situation day in day out, saving just a pound is an achievement

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Really not sure how you can equate wanting to carry my parents' business forward, helping them with their dog / shopping / cooking and wanting to live here permanently (which would be better for my son and parents) with a "lottery win". To be quite honest, I find that rather offensive, maman. It's not the case that I'm sitting around idle all day and squandering my parents' money to live some life of luxury.

These past few weeks have been some of the ones I've spent the least.

As for my wife, she's become far too familiar with holding all the cards.

I'm sorry Alex. I apologise. I didn't mean to be offensive I was just trying to give an analogy as to how your financial situation might seem to many other posters.


I wasn't suggesting that you were doing nothing but everything but possibly the cooking could be achieved without you living there as it was before your mother had her fall.


I've always acknowledged that someday you might have to move in to support them and maybe that day has come. Others have suggested that your parents are well able to afford paid help if they need it.


At risk of causing more offence though, you know that MrsK doesn't hold all the cards. You hold the trump card. You like it there, your parents like you being there, you want your son to be brought up as you were with a lifestyle that you can't afford to give him. You can have all that but if you play that card you risk your relationship with your wife and have to hope that your son agrees with your decision in the long run.

AlexLK

SueP19 wrote: »

A familiar tale, my OH does that, just wears himself out just to sleep and to keep the demons away. It is unsustainable and you have my utter sympathy, maybe those that criticise should spend a month in your shoes to understand how it feels. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thanks, Sue.

I know you're right about it being unsustainable. Today has been a bit quieter, hoping to settle down with some reading for my course. Tomorrow is very busy due to music teaching work, so no avoiding that.

SueP19 wrote: »

To live with constant idea that a loved will leave or you will have to leave is torture, my OH has had this fear for years despite my reassurances, years ago I asked him why he pushed me so much and his answer was that if I left now he would be able to get on with the pain he would feel instead of the agony that it could be tomorrow. We have been married 27 years now and he still feels like this, which I find sad, for him and for me.

I am going to stick my neck out now and suggest that your wife has built a wall around herself to protect her from the hurt she feels, it's what I did/have done

For some of the other posters.............It's easy to save, overpay your mortgage, be a financial guru without these terrible emotions but I defy anyone to try when they face this situation day in day out, saving just a pound is an achievement

It is sad, adult life in general seems to be little other than sadness. Can't say I really understand why my wife stays, she could find someone else quite easily.

Perhaps you're right about my wife. Every so often I think about moving on from my marriage myself, stop being a bad influence on my son and stay around for as long as my parents and the dogs are alive.

maman wrote: »

I'm sorry Alex. I apologise. I didn't mean to be offensive I was just trying to give an analogy as to how your financial situation might seem to many other posters.

Apology accepted.

maman wrote: »

I wasn't suggesting that you were doing nothing but everything but possibly the cooking could be achieved without you living there as it was before your mother had her fall.

I've always acknowledged that someday you might have to move in to support them and maybe that day has come. Others have suggested that your parents are well able to afford paid help if they need it.

My mother is getting a lot better now and is driving again. They have said I may go home next week but I think I'm going to leave it until after the half term. For me being here my father is getting out with the dogs much more which is really helping him both mentally and physically.

They don't really need me here but having some company and meeting some of my (nicer) music pupils has been good for them.

maman wrote: »

At risk of causing more offence though, you know that MrsK doesn't hold all the cards. You hold the trump card. You like it there, your parents like you being there, you want your son to be brought up as you were with a lifestyle that you can't afford to give him. You can have all that but if you play that card you risk your relationship with your wife and have to hope that your son agrees with your decision in the long run.

If I were to say I had chosen to live here permanently, my marriage is over and for some reason I still don't want to grow old completely on my own. She would rather us struggle on as we are, which I do not understand.

AlexLK

Meant to post January's financial achievements.

Saved: £780, overpaid: £330.

Quite pleased with both figures.

turtlemoose

AlexLK wrote: »

She would rather us struggle on as we are, which I do not understand.

because for almost everybody except you, your level of income is not a struggle - especially on only one guaranteed income. I feel like I'm wasting my time even typing this though! You sometimes seem so busy navel gazing that you cannot see what is right in front of you.

SueP19

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, Sue.

It is sad, adult life in general seems to be little other than sadness. Can't say I really understand why my wife stays, she could find someone else quite easily.

.....................because maybe she loves you

AlexLK wrote: »

Perhaps you're right about my wife. Every so often I think about moving on from my marriage myself, stop being a bad influence on my son and stay around for as long as my parents and the dogs are alive.

Only you feel this way

AlexLK wrote: »

If I were to say I had chosen to live here permanently, my marriage is over and for some reason I still don't want to grow old completely on my own. She would rather us struggle on as we are, which I do not understand.

...................er because maybe she still loves you


I'm no expert but depression is an illness..............................an illness guys just like flu or MS etc it comes and goes with triggers.

There is a huge difference between just being a bit off and proper depression and telling someone to snap out of it or all the other things that well meaning people say does not help, in fact it makes things so much worse, it renders the suffers with more self doubt, more anxiety and loads more hurt

The old saying goes, if you can't say nothing nice then don't say nothing at all

OK off soapbox

Ps well done on those savings and op's Alex, better than me for January