Renovations and Repayments.

Fay

AlexLK wrote: »

Fay, I've seen lots of different professionals but none have managed to help me to get things under any kind of long term control.

There are core conditions for therapy working Alex, including right relationship, right time and right attitude from the client. Sadly, it's you who will have to do the hard work. He therapist can guide and walk along side you, but they can't change things, only you can. If you were to come to me at this point I would advise you to take a 6 month break, reflect on what you've done to date with therapists and counsellors and if after 6 months you feel ready to put the hard work in to change, to come back for an assessment.

In terms of children and providing, children need love, security which isn't financial but emotional, and time spent with them. If they have these things they feel safe to explore and develop their own identity and strive for their self. Sounds like you're giving your son this.

Debsnewbudget

Once you have covered the basic needs of shelter warmth and food, The best things you can give your children is your love, your support and your time.

Alex, you provide all of these and it shines through that you are a good parent.

X

turtlemoose

newgirly wrote: »

It is not my job to supply their every want, it's up to dh and I to equip them to make their own way in the future. A high material expectation is a big burden to place on a child.

Newgirly answered your question perfectly for me in this quote.

Especially this bit:

newgirly wrote: »

A high material expectation is a big burden to place on a child.

Which I'm sure you yourself can understand (if you step back from the keyboard and think about it for a while), as this is exactly what your parents have done to you. And has it helped you? Has it made you more successful? Happier? Only you can answer that, but from what you post on here it doesn't seem that way.

I want my son to grow up knowing if you want something, you work for it. If you want to buy something expensive, you save for it. That the personal value of achievements is infinitely higher than any monetary figure. I want him to be kind, caring, compassionate, accepting of others who are different to him, curious. Most of all I want him to be happy. It doesn't take long to read around this board to find some happy happy people. And why are they happy? Sure, there's a few on here with huge incomes, but most of the people on MFW earn average incomes, lead average lives, their children go to the local comp and they go on holiday to Butlins. You know why they're happy Alex? Because they have their family around them, and because everything they have, they earned for themselves. They look around and take stock of what they have - and what they have is good... they don't constantly focus on what they don't have.

greent

turtlemoose wrote: »

. It doesn't take long to read around this board to find some happy happy people. And why are they happy? Sure, there's a few on here with huge incomes, but most of the people on MFW earn average incomes, lead average lives, their children go to the local comp and they go on holiday to Butlins. You know why they're happy Alex? Because they have their family around them, and because everything they have, they earned for themselves. They look around and take stock of what they have - and what they have is good... they don't constantly focus on what they don't have.

It's not always that easy, though.


I tend to be one of the happy ones - my family is the most important thing (and we have the bonus of being MF, live in a larger-than-average house and we're off to Florida this year (although we have had recent years where the holiday has been a week camping in Devon)) BUT my husband has spent many a year not seeing what we do have (which essentially is 4 great children who are healthy - stuff the house - they'd still be 4 great children wherever we lived) - he has fretted many a time - not necessarily about what we do/ don't have, but what might happen due to his inability (perceived only by him) to provide for his family. At the moment he is 'reasonably' up (for him - it's all relative) so life is ok. But when he is down then nothing is right/ nothing is good/ life is worthless etc. And nothing I say or do can change it. (Which, frankly, is exhausting on all levels - and ultimately I do have to mentally remove myself from him in order that I can cope with dealing with the rest of life/ the children etc)

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, hope you don't mind me butting on on this

I used to feel guilty about not being able to afford what I thought I should be providing my kids. But since coming on mse I have a different view. I know that they have everything they need, just not perhaps every luxury that they could have if they were someone else's offspring

It is not my job to supply their every want, it's up to dh and I to equip them to make their own way in the future. A high material expectation is a big burden to place on a child.

This is of course a very different situation to struggling to feed and clothe your family, I remember reading a desperately sad post on jack monroe's blog about not being able to feed her son enough. I doubt anyone could argue that any parent would feel immense guilt at that , even though it is through no fault or neglect of their own, just events conspiring to create a desperate situation.

I made my children read that article, I wanted them to be able to tell the difference between their idea of "there is nothing to eat" - ie. We have run out of snacks -and the real meaning of it.

Sorry I'm waffling a bit just think it's important for them to appreciate what they have, and you should feel confident you are doing your best.

I guess it's just perspective, and to be honest whatever you do now one day your ds will be a teenager, and therefore possibly ungrateful for much of what you have done /still do for him, so don't beat yourself up over it all :rotfl:

Thanks, NG and of course I don't mind you commenting.

I couldn't bring myself to have my son read such an article when he's older as I don't really want him to know that can happen in the UK. Although, I do understand why you made them read it, I was into my 30s before I truly realised poverty wasn't some kind of chosen state to be in and that there are people, dare I say greatly, worse off than my wife and I.

Can't say I've any desire to spoil my son with every toy he ever wants, it's more to do with the house he calls "home" and his education.

Fay wrote: »

There are core conditions for therapy working Alex, including right relationship, right time and right attitude from the client. Sadly, it's you who will have to do the hard work. He therapist can guide and walk along side you, but they can't change things, only you can. If you were to come to me at this point I would advise you to take a 6 month break, reflect on what you've done to date with therapists and counsellors and if after 6 months you feel ready to put the hard work in to change, to come back for an assessment.

In terms of children and providing, children need love, security which isn't financial but emotional, and time spent with them. If they have these things they feel safe to explore and develop their own identity and strive for their self. Sounds like you're giving your son this.

Do you believe the client needs to develop a relationship with the counsellor / therapist? Unfortunately, I've had a lot of treatment (be that medication / therapy / counselling etc.) and a fair few breaks already. I know having the attitude that I cannot be "cured" isn't a good one.

I spend a lot of time with my son and we do a lot of different things together. My son is a happy child, loves exploring and sometimes pushing the boundaries. I hope he'll never found out about my problems.

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

Once you have covered the basic needs of shelter warmth and food, The best things you can give your children is your love, your support and your time.

Alex, you provide all of these and it shines through that you are a good parent.

X

Thank you, Debs. I certainly try my absolute best to be a decent parent.

AlexLK

turtlemoose wrote: »

Newgirly answered your question perfectly for me in this quote.

Especially this bit:



Which I'm sure you yourself can understand (if you step back from the keyboard and think about it for a while), as this is exactly what your parents have done to you. And has it helped you? Has it made you more successful? Happier? Only you can answer that, but from what you post on here it doesn't seem that way.

I want my son to grow up knowing if you want something, you work for it. If you want to buy something expensive, you save for it. That the personal value of achievements is infinitely higher than any monetary figure. I want him to be kind, caring, compassionate, accepting of others who are different to him, curious. Most of all I want him to be happy. It doesn't take long to read around this board to find some happy happy people. And why are they happy? Sure, there's a few on here with huge incomes, but most of the people on MFW earn average incomes, lead average lives, their children go to the local comp and they go on holiday to Butlins. You know why they're happy Alex? Because they have their family around them, and because everything they have, they earned for themselves. They look around and take stock of what they have - and what they have is good... they don't constantly focus on what they don't have.

Yes, I understand. It's most certainly not made me happy or successful in adulthood. If anything the fact my parents are "self made" has made me more a failure than if they'd not done financially well for themselves or inherited. My son wouldn't have that to live up to in adulthood, though.

Do you think I have no desire to want my son to grow up to be happy, kind and accepting?

greent wrote: »

It's not always that easy, though.

I tend to be one of the happy ones - my family is the most important thing (and we have the bonus of being MF, live in a larger-than-average house and we're off to Florida this year (although we have had recent years where the holiday has been a week camping in Devon)) BUT my husband has spent many a year not seeing what we do have (which essentially is 4 great children who are healthy - stuff the house - they'd still be 4 great children wherever we lived) - he has fretted many a time - not necessarily about what we do/ don't have, but what might happen due to his inability (perceived only by him) to provide for his family. At the moment he is 'reasonably' up (for him - it's all relative) so life is ok. But when he is down then nothing is right/ nothing is good/ life is worthless etc. And nothing I say or do can change it. (Which, frankly, is exhausting on all levels - and ultimately I do have to mentally remove myself from him in order that I can cope with dealing with the rest of life/ the children etc)

Don't really know what to say to this as my state of mind seems rather similar to your husband's.

AlexLK

Weekend is looking like a quiet, cheap one. Needed because the cars haven't been particularly kind to the finances and we've booked a long weekend away at the end of July. Also need to spend some £££ on the boiler as that's not working properly. Rather :mad: as it's only just two years old. Quite looking forward to both the long weekend and our main holiday in Cornwall this year. For October half term, I think we'll be going to my parents' apartment in Spain.

Can't really see any overpayments being made this month or the savings going up by anything more than the £30 I always put away. At the moment I have no projects to prep and haven't bought anything interesting to sell since before Christmas. I also need to try to get back to doing as much work as I was then.

A_Frayed_Knot

Is your boiler 2 years or over 2 years old. Check the guarantee/warranty, mine had 2 year warranty and had to have the fan replaced just before the 2 years was up, free of charge :money:

Fay

AlexLK wrote: »

Do you believe the client needs to develop a relationship with the counsellor / therapist? Unfortunately, I've had a lot of treatment (be that medication / therapy / counselling etc.) and a fair few breaks already. I know having the attitude that I cannot be "cured" isn't a good one.

As a psychologist and therapist, I certainly believe the relationship is extremely import at. A good therapeutic relationship isn't enough to help you change but I think it's a necessary condition for good therapy, yes. You don't need to like your therapist but you need to trust them and have faith in them and the model of therapy they're using. I see so many people who have written off forms of therapy because the person practicing it wasn't experienced, or frankly very good, or they didn't follow the therapy through. Do your own research about therapy before you go-it's a two way relationship and you have to put the effort in or you'll never get the results you want. I use the fame analogy with clients, when you hit the bits in therapy that are working and will make a difference...recovery costs and here is where you start paying. Work hard and you can change.
Of course you won't be cured, because what you are working on is you, you can change but why would you want to cure you? You're a complex human being, fabulously callable like all of us, you just want to change some of the facets of yourself that you've noticed aren't helpful.
I'm going to be quiet now! I think I've said enough and its up to you to decide what you want to do from here in. A forum won't give you the answers though, trust me on that one.

Fay

AlexLK wrote: »

I couldn't bring myself to have my son read such an article when he's older as I don't really want him to know that can happen in the UK. Although, I do understand why you made them read it, I was into my 30s before I truly realised poverty wasn't some kind of chosen state to be in and that there are people, dare I say greatly, worse off than my wife and I.

I couldn't not say something about this though Alex. Maybe this is why you have some of the issues you do. You up were protected from the real world and grew up with some beliefs that have been proved to be very unhelpful, and yet you want to repeat this with your son. Why shouldn't your son know that there is true poverty in the UK? Or that anyone, given the right circumstances, can find theirselves without food, homeless or in a disgusting they never thought they could be? You're not actually protecting him, you're helping him to live in a state of denial...perfect breeding ground for later psychological problems.

Let him live in the world as it is and learn how to live in it, without changing it or trying to pretend it isn't how it is. That's real life, that will build resilience, that will build understanding and strength.