Renovations and Repayments.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

She would rather us struggle on as we are, which I do not understand.

:wall:


Well you can't say we haven't tried to get you to understand MrsK's point of view.


Aside from all the baggage involved with living with someone else, MrsK wants to build your family/life/home based on your own efforts not someone else's. That's quite normal Alex, truly it is.

AlexLK

turtlemoose wrote: »

because for almost everybody except you, your level of income is not a struggle - especially on only one guaranteed income. I feel like I'm wasting my time even typing this though! You sometimes seem so busy navel gazing that you cannot see what is right in front of you.

I'm not really sure what I'm meant to be looking for.

SueP19 wrote: »

.....................because maybe she loves you

Only you feel this way

...................er because maybe she still loves you

I'm no expert but depression is an illness..............................an illness guys just like flu or MS etc it comes and goes with triggers.

There is a huge difference between just being a bit off and proper depression and telling someone to snap out of it or all the other things that well meaning people say does not help, in fact it makes things so much worse, it renders the suffers with more self doubt, more anxiety and loads more hurt

The old saying goes, if you can't say nothing nice then don't say nothing at all

OK off soapbox

Ps well done on those savings and op's Alex, better than me for January

Thanks, Sue.

My wife and I do have good times; in a lot of ways things are good. We have similar interests and can still talk about things all night. I'd really miss her if she moved on but perhaps not for the reasons most would miss a wife.

I still have some wish to get better but unfortunately don't seem to be able to. I realise now that sorting my finances out wasn't the answer.

maman wrote: »

:wall:

Well you can't say we haven't tried to get you to understand MrsK's point of view.

Aside from all the baggage involved with living with someone else, MrsK wants to build your family/life/home based on your own efforts not someone else's. That's quite normal Alex, truly it is.

The world does not revolve around my wife and what she wishes to do. Although I fail so far as earning money is concerned, through staying with my parents I've managed to get my father to become a lot more active, persuade him to start driving a little bit and go to a lunch meet for people their age which my mother is also going to go along to. He wants to be involved with things again. Frankly, that wouldn't have been achieved through employing a carer or taking their dog away and going there once a day to give them food to warm. Incidentally, had I been fixated on business I couldn't do this. Is it so wrong to want to help my parents, drastically reduce our bills and give my son a better life at the same time?

ourcornercottage

Alex only you know the answers, nobody can answer this for you. What you feel is right, is right for you.

That said, it may not be right for others involved so there may be need for compromise if the others are important enough to you. Once again only you know that.

You seem at a crossroads, carefully consider your choices and don't expect any of these changes to make you happy, only you can do that, and you will, with time.

Good luck

AlexLK

OOC, I always make the wrong decisions in life. Experience has taught me I should do the opposite to whatever I think "right".

I'm beginning to think happiness has little to do with the choices one makes in life. Not so long ago, I was convinced once I became financially solvent, I'd get better. I have managed this but have got no better. Not sure whether that's because I couldn't have done it without my wife's income. Often I think that's the problem and I'd be OK if I could afford to pay for the mortgage and other bills should my wife choose not to or leave.

SueP19

Happiness comes from within.

A simple little phrase but so true, you are searching for that one external thing that will make you happy and when you achieve it and find it doesn't it's another set back.
Tryin to work out what you want from life is hard due to the depression and/or your personality. The thing is your halfway there you have realised material things are a temporary fix. OOC is right you are at a crossroads, maybe a start would be accepting that your decision were never wrong they were right at the time x

Fay

Alex, I don't often give advice in a professional capacity, but you need therapy not counselling. Counselling is supportive and reflective but you need a trained, experienced therapist to help you decide whether you really want to address these issues or not. I don't think depression is an illness, it is something that is within our control, although it's very hard work to get to a point where you can manage it. A therapist, not a counsellor, will help you do this.
Your biggest struggle will be with yourself because from what you've posted, you don't seem to want to change and no one can give you the impetus to do that. Sadly.

AlexLK

SueP19 wrote: »

Happiness comes from within.

A simple little phrase but so true, you are searching for that one external thing that will make you happy and when you achieve it and find it doesn't it's another set back.
Tryin to work out what you want from life is hard due to the depression and/or your personality. The thing is your halfway there you have realised material things are a temporary fix. OOC is right you are at a crossroads, maybe a start would be accepting that your decision were never wrong they were right at the time x

I think you're right, Sue. However, I seem to be out of ideas about how to turn things around.

All I could think about today is the fact that I'm 35 and have done nothing with my life. The only thing I'm enjoying for myself is studying and everything else I'm interested in doing I'm absolutely terrified to try because I don't think I'll be able to cope. It seems my only skills in life are being able to read, write and interpret abstract data that's hardly relevant to anything other than my own interest.

This year I was meant to be writing a list of things to do, some fun things, some things to work towards and some money related. I remember being really interested in doing the work on my house some years ago but now all I think about is the fact that the place is not good enough and only proves the fact I'm inadequate. Every time someone on here tells me I cannot afford to give my son the lifestyle I want to give him it breaks me a little more. I know that without my parents, I wouldn't ever be able to provide my son with the same opportunity I had which just makes me want it all to end.

Fay wrote: »

Alex, I don't often give advice in a professional capacity, but you need therapy not counselling. Counselling is supportive and reflective but you need a trained, experienced therapist to help you decide whether you really want to address these issues or not. I don't think depression is an illness, it is something that is within our control, although it's very hard work to get to a point where you can manage it. A therapist, not a counsellor, will help you do this.
Your biggest struggle will be with yourself because from what you've posted, you don't seem to want to change and no one can give you the impetus to do that. Sadly.

Fay, I've seen lots of different professionals but none have managed to help me to get things under any kind of long term control.

turtlemoose

AlexLK wrote: »

Every time someone on here tells me I cannot afford to give my son the lifestyle I want to give him it breaks me a little more.

Don't you think that the rest of us have things we'd like to give to/provide for our children, but we can't, and will be unlikely to at any point, afford? That's a serious question, had you considered that many other parents struggle with the same situation, just with different wants. I don't dream of private schooling for my son, but there's plenty of things he doesn't have and doesn't do because I don't earn enough to pay for them.

AlexLK

turtlemoose wrote: »

Don't you think that the rest of us have things we'd like to give to/provide for our children, but we can't, and will be unlikely to at any point, afford? That's a serious question, had you considered that many other parents struggle with the same situation, just with different wants. I don't dream of private schooling for my son, but there's plenty of things he doesn't have and doesn't do because I don't earn enough to pay for them.

I haven't really considered it before apart from at the school I volunteer at but it seems there many of the parents don't seem to care much, which is a totally different issue. Last year it greatly affected me, I've no doubt this sounds pathetic but I had sleepless nights over how some of them were going to be able to revise for their exams.

How do you cope with knowing that you cannot afford to provide everything for your child? This is also a serious question.

newgirly

Hi Alex, hope you don't mind me butting on on this

I used to feel guilty about not being able to afford what I thought I should be providing my kids. But since coming on mse I have a different view. I know that they have everything they need, just not perhaps every luxury that they could have if they were someone else's offspring

It is not my job to supply their every want, it's up to dh and I to equip them to make their own way in the future. A high material expectation is a big burden to place on a child.

This is of course a very different situation to struggling to feed and clothe your family, I remember reading a desperately sad post on jack monroe's blog about not being able to feed her son enough. I doubt anyone could argue that any parent would feel immense guilt at that , even though it is through no fault or neglect of their own, just events conspiring to create a desperate situation.

I made my children read that article, I wanted them to be able to tell the difference between their idea of "there is nothing to eat" - ie. We have run out of snacks -and the real meaning of it.

Sorry I'm waffling a bit just think it's important for them to appreciate what they have, and you should feel confident you are doing your best.

I guess it's just perspective, and to be honest whatever you do now one day your ds will be a teenager, and therefore possibly ungrateful for much of what you have done /still do for him, so don't beat yourself up over it all :rotfl: