should i move back home?

victor2

j.e.j. wrote: »

It's called prudishness. But you're quite entitled to take a "it's my way or the highway" stance. Just don't be surprised when they choose the latter

Clearly a topic people have quite strong opinions about, and quite possibly a discussion all in itself.
Maybe I hark back to a generation where you were taught to respect your elders and people in positions of authority - not always for the better, as recent unearthing of scandals illustrates.
Our children may well bring up their children with different standards and beliefs - we won't interfere with that, but don't envy them in today's society either...

j.e.j.

victor2 wrote: »

Clearly a topic people have quite strong opinions about, and quite possibly a discussion all in itself.
Maybe I hark back to a generation where you were taught to respect your elders and people in positions of authority - not always for the better, as recent unearthing of scandals illustrates.
Our children may well bring up their children with different standards and beliefs - we won't interfere with that, but don't envy them in today's society either...

Go back a generation or two and it was unheard of for boyfriends to sleep overnight in the girl's parents house. People (in theory at least!) waited till they got married. But things are different now, and people have relationships. You either adapt to that or you continue to live in the past, imo.

I'd draw the line at someone bringing one-night stands back to the house, but a long term or serious boyfriend.. yes, why not?

Worry_Wart

victor2 wrote: »

Clearly a topic people have quite strong opinions about, and quite possibly a discussion all in itself.
Maybe I hark back to a generation where you were taught to respect your elders and people in positions of authority - not always for the better, as recent unearthing of scandals illustrates.
Our children may well bring up their children with different standards and beliefs - we won't interfere with that, but don't envy them in today's society either...

If they were married would you let them share a room? What if they never get married? I had the same problem with my step mother. I'm 35 and she's only just allowed me to share a room with my boyfriend when we visit, despite the fact we've lived together for years.

ognum

victor2 wrote: »

Clearly a topic people have quite strong opinions about, and quite possibly a discussion all in itself.
Maybe I hark back to a generation where you were taught to respect your elders and people in positions of authority - not always for the better, as recent unearthing of scandals illustrates.
Our children may well bring up their children with different standards and beliefs - we won't interfere with that, but don't envy them in today's society either...

Ok, I probably shouldn't answer this but I will!

Respect comes and goes in both directions, if a young person asks to move back home for a while then respect should be given for the parent as well as to the parent.

If my son or daughter came to live back at home (and they have) I would expect to respect their decesions as adults. So, if they decide to stay out all night then that is their choice. If they are in a relationship and are 'sleeping' with their partner then why send them to a hotel or the back of a car., they have made an adult choice so should be able to do as they like where they are living.

Whether they sleep with their partner in your house has little to do with if they respect you, they may be scared of you, unable to act normally in your company or are embarrassed by your behaviour but respect, I don't think so.

Given the ability to make their own choices and the openness to discuss things most people can make sensible decision themselves, it is sad you feel that as you are older you should take away their ability to think and choose.

I hope if this is the way you choose to parent, the 'only my way in my house' method that your children do bring up their children in a different way. I hope they have children that can think for themselves, make their own choices and can talk through issues rather than being told what to do.

So respect you young adults in the same way as you expect respect.

duchy

If an adult child chooses to return home then they have an obligation to observe the house rules .

Those rules may say "No overnights for partners/randoms" because the parents aren't comfortable with it -or because there are younger siblings still at home - or just because the parents don't want to be confronted with a stranger at the breakfast table. It's their home and if the "child" wants to return (usually at below the going rate for bed and board) then they can accept the house rules or find somewhere that has less restrictions. No-one is forcing the child to live there as they are an adult -and can make other (more expensive) choices or appreciate that with cheaper living comes some disadvantages or compromises.

Those rules don't need to be about visitors, they could be about housework or pets or noise - the same principle applies.

Some parents are so desperate to keep their kids close they will compromise their own beliefs, others aren't bothered by it and others were quite glad to get their home back and are enjoying being a couple again and having their privacy and yet others want to encourage their kids not to be dependant on them -None are wrong -just differing attitudes and what suits one family won't suit another.

If you need to teach your adult children that their wants don't come above the needs of everyone else regardless -it's probably too late now anyway .

victor2

Rather off-topic from the original thread, but...

j.e.j. wrote: »

I'd draw the line at someone bringing one-night stands back to the house, but a long term or serious boyfriend.. yes, why not?

So how many dates exactly does it take to transform from the "one-night stand" to "long term"?

Worry_Wart wrote: »

If they were married would you let them share a room? What if they never get married? I had the same problem with my step mother. I'm 35 and she's only just allowed me to share a room with my boyfriend when we visit, despite the fact we've lived together for years.

My brother was in a similar situation. He and his now wife were not allowed to sleep together in his parent's house until they were married. We chuckle about it now, but his fiancee as she was then, who he shared a house with, had no problem with the situation.

ognum wrote: »

Given the ability to make their own choices and the openness to discuss things most people can make sensible decision themselves, it is sad you feel that as you are older you should take away their ability to think and choose.

The ability to think and make their own decisions means they also consider how those around them will feel about it. They choose the option that causes nobody any trouble.


Call me old fashioned and in the minority, but we have two delightful daughters and no regrets.

Jagraf

I would welcome kids back with open arms, no problem there. I would do anything possible as a parent to help them.

However, if they decide to come and live at home (which is generally for convenience rather than anything else) then they would have to live by my rules. It has nothing to do with them being independent or adults, it has to do with the fact that they are living in my house, and saving money by doing so. I would say that most of the rules would just continue along the line of when they were at home previously, with some adjustment. I suppose they are house rules that we all have lived by.

I don't get why parents feel threatened that their kids may not return if they don't roll over and let them do what they want? I've heard this a lot with grandparents "oh if I don't do this I would be ale to look after my grandson again" etc.

I'm quite laid back I feel, however, if I had an issue with one of my kids bringing their boyfriend round at 3 in the morning, the choice would be to not do that, or to find somewhere else to live. A example might be that I don't like people lying on the sofa eating their dinner. Frankly I don't care how old my child is they won't do it. But then neither would granny!

I do understand the respect, but to be honest the onus is on the child (adult ) to agree to the terms, or not, and find another solution.

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

If an adult child chooses to return home then they have an obligation to observe the house rules .

Those rules may say "No overnights for partners/randoms" because the parents aren't comfortable with it -or because there are younger siblings still at home - or just because the parents don't want to be confronted with a stranger at the breakfast table. It's their home and if the "child" wants to return (usually at below the going rate for bed and board) then they can accept the house rules or find somewhere that has less restrictions. No-one is forcing the child to live there as they are an adult -and can make other (more expensive) choices or appreciate that with cheaper living comes some disadvantages or compromises.

Those rules don't need to be about visitors, they could be about housework or pets or noise - the same principle applies.

Some parents are so desperate to keep their kids close they will compromise their own beliefs, others aren't bothered by it and others were quite glad to get their home back and are enjoying being a couple again and having their privacy and yet others want to encourage their kids not to be dependant on them -None are wrong -just differing attitudes and what suits one family won't suit another.

If you need to teach your adult children that their wants don't come above the needs of everyone else regardless -it's probably too late now anyway .

Exactly the points I've just made :rotfl:

duchy

Woah -steady !
We can't have agreement on this thread

jemb

I find it hard to believe that Leeds is more expensive than Manchester. What are are you living in? Headingley way will cost a fortune, there are areas out of the centre that will be alot less with good rail links. Or have you thought about Shipley way? Ril link is really good, not long and very frequent.

What kind of marketing? IMHO (I work in advertising) you wont just walk into marketing, you need work exp, and if you're sales targets (not marketing job I guess) are getting you down, you're in sales, not marketing. Perhaps move home, get a lower paid job but with a better marketing prospect. Or have you tried all the agencies in Leeds? There are as many in Leeds as Manc (I deal with them on a day to day basis across the Country) Welcome to Yorkshire etc? Holbeck is the area. You'll need to go round on foot probably.

Hope you get sorted.