Should you look after your girlfriend's daughter.

Guest101

quidsy wrote: »

OP I am not suggesting you fall into this catagory in any way but using it as a way to explain my own personal position on who looks after my kid over night

Here is a classic child abuse scenario. Mummys bf is a person of trust, someone the child sees mummy being happy with, an abuser finds it very easy to coerce a child into doing something wrong or hurting the child with the threat of "upsetting mummy if you told"

This is how people that way inclined work, they involve themselves with the mum to get to the child, many can act & present a "normal" front. Normal relationship with the mother, normal sex life yet still will groom a child for along time in order to create a relationship of abuse.

The odd sleep over at beavers or with a mate from school carry much lower risks. At a beaver sleepover he is with 15 other kids & several adults. And he doesn't sleep over at kids house who don't know, he has been at his school for 5 years & the kids he has sleep over with, I make a point of getting to know the parents well. But again, this is one in a blue moon so the chance of grooming is much lowered, if the risk was even there.

To put it into my perspective, it took me 5 years to decide to have a child with my oh, 5 years of learning all about him, what type of husband & parent he would be.

Wow.

Im not making fun of your views or opinions, but just wow. Each to their own i guess.

It must be quite stressful to be analysing things like this all the time. Statistically speaking it is very unlikely you will ever encounter an abuser, even by walking past them in the street, yet alone share your life with one. But like i said, each to their own.

SandC

This one is simple in my eyes.

You don't live together so the relationship is not in the stage where you are taking on stepfather type roles. Babysitting once in a while is fine but all weekend, every weekend (unless her father turns up when he is supposed to) is not on.

I find it refreshing to see someone (and that's both of you) not rushing into cohabiting and becoming a father figure within months of meeting. (Although my cynical head says that may be something to do with claiming of benefits hence why the girlfriend sees things on a more serious level than they outwardly appear to us).

quidsy

It must be quite stressful to be analysing things like this all the time

Why would I be analyzing it "all the time" I don't I just make a carefully risk, considering it's my child's life & well being I don't find it stressful at all.

Wow.

Im not making fun of your views or opinions, but just wow. Each to
their own i guess.

You clearly are making fun of it & that's fine. 2 wows.!

Other people fall in & out of relationships very easily, I don't, I would prefer not to take unnecessary risks with who is given unlimited & unsupervised access to my child. I figured this was normal parenting but if not, I'm happy to be an exception.

Guest101

quidsy wrote: »

Why would I be analyzing it "all the time" I don't I just make a carefully risk, considering it's my child's life & well being I don't find it stressful at all.



You clearly are making fun of it & that's fine. 2 wows.!

Other people fall in & out of relationships very easily, I don't, I would prefer not to take unnecessary risks with who is given unlimited & unsupervised access to my child. I figured this was normal parenting but if not, I'm happy to be an exception.

I really wasnt making fun, just surprised by such a stringent and hard hitting reply.

Good for you. It's what worls for you. I dont agree with the hardline approach, but obviously it comes from a good place and with good intentions.

quidsy

Ok fair enough. If you don't have any knowledge & experience with grooming then it is hard to understand why parents & especially single mothers, need to be very careful about who they let into their child's life & give unlimited & unsupervised access to.

My sisters ex-oh was having some "emotional issues" when he met a new friend who was very keen for him to come round with his daughter (my 7 yo niece) to "look at his exotic pets", this guy over the course of several months became a "mate" with ex-bil, seeing him even when neice wasn't with him, he eventually "offered" to babysit whilst he went to the pub on night, left it like a nice & casual offer. My bil planned to take him up on it the following weekend until my niece casually mentioned to sister how she didn't like the man with the snakes. Alarm bells went off & my sister got the story off her ex, called the police & he turned out to be a known !!!!!!. Tragedy diverted but how easy it was for this scum to build a relationship with ex-bil in order to get to a 7 yo girl.

We all take calculated risks with ours kids, letting them play outside, allowing them to go to parks or to shops alone & as they get older giving them freedom to be away from the home for hours alone or with friends, these are all based on the child's maturity & abilities & building a trust level with your child. But handing all night & most of the next day care a few times a week to someone you don't even live with would be a risk too far for me.

No one ever thinks it would happen to them, until it does.

InsideInsurance

quidsy wrote: »

I have a 7 year old son & I wouldn't leave him overnight alone with a new partner no matter how long we had been together.

Ok.... they've been together for nearly a year so very easily could have created their own kid in that timescale. You wouldnt trust this "new partner" to look after that one too? Or would you not trust him to look your other kids but this one you've had together? Some kind of two tier level of thought of your kids?


At the end of the day none of us know how close the relationship between the OP and their partner is. At nearly a year on I was preparing to propose to the Mrs and we were already talking about starting our own family. Clearly other people take things much slower.

It was a big ask, thats for certain, however if this is a committed long term relationship then it comes with responsibilities and not just fun. Presumably the OP didnt just found out that she has kids from another relationship and so assuming that they are committed to the long term then having responsibilities for the said kid is inevitably going to come.

If the OP is just wanting fun with the woman and no intent for it to go long term then now seems an apt time to lay down the ground rules as it seems she MAY be having other ideas of what its about.

quidsy

Ok.... they've been together for nearly a year so very easily could have created
their own kid in that timescale. You wouldnt trust this "new partner" to look
after that one too? Or would you not trust him to look your other kids but this
one you've had together? Some kind of two tier level of thought of your kids?

I personally wouldn't have a child with what is basically a stranger in my eyes cause it takes 9 months to gestate a baby. But that's me, everyone does things different & I offered a view.

RockOnZombies

The gf's daughter is only 3 and half so during the mornings is at school and there are jobs around that would work around those hours cause some of her other friends have found them for her.

SandC mentioned there being benefits involved, well the gf is on benefits but I'm not on anything as I have a well paid job so if living together would lose it all. And they're quite right I personally don't want to rush this as there's a little one involved.

I did help her learn to drive and buy a car so she could work as a carer which she did for few months during the day which worked around her DD really well, but she walked out of that job after an argument with her boss over her work route, which personally I thought was bit crazy as working nearly full time was bringing in a reasonable income for herself and jobs aren't that easy to come by in Swansea.

As Quidsy has said I don't tend to jump in and out of relationships quickly and I do agree with their view on parenting as it was how I was brought up.

InsideInsurance

quidsy wrote: »

I personally wouldn't have a child with what is basically a stranger in my eyes cause it takes 9 months to gestate a baby. But that's me, everyone does things different & I offered a view.

Not all kids are planned and not everyone believes in abortion

quidsy

I think you are taking a very sensible view. You have said yourself you have helped out with looking after the kid & are fond of her too but she is very young & tbh, they are hard work at that age too. It's a big ask of anyone. If the relationship progresses & you become step dad then the rules change & you take on that responsibility but right now, you date her mum so you shouldn't become "uncle dad" too.

It's concerning when you say you helped her get a car & day job that worked around the child care but she walked out. Do you think she wants the bar job cause it's fun & a bit more exciting that looking after old people?