The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

fuddle

Monnagran even you and I would struggle to get on for a few days living in the same space. Don't you be beating yourself up about how family would be upset that you're upset. That is what it is. This situation is completely different but I understand the feeling of having the rug pulled from under you. Whether we care to admit it or not, there's anger and bitterness and those feelings, while it's raw, effect everything.

I am pleased you're getting help with lifting your spirits. That is a sensible thing to do and monnagran, you're a sensible lassie eh?! Hey monna you are so strong and you need to be in control. Me too. If I had my food stocks meddled with, my intentions scuppered and a huge long list of other things I take for granted as a strong women in control... I understand.

I just don't know what to say though to help you work through this because without a change ahead I think we might just have to wait for 'anger with life - delete as appropriate if needed' to b*ggar off and let you find your niche in your new life.

Drat and double drat monna.

elona

monnagran

Not quite the same but I am selling our house as it is far too big after losing DH etc. I have a buyer and have just had an offer accepted on a bungalow where I can feel it is all mine and live on the lower level happily while having a bathroom and three bedrooms upstairs for DDs and SIL in case they are between moves, having work done on house or just staying over after a family meal or celebration.

It should work as everyone would have their own space. You know the old saying "Two women in one kitchen does not work!" I find it difficult when dds visit and fill the fridge with cheese and other stuff I should not be eating.

Could you consider selling earlier and getting a place of your own ?

nuatha

monnagran wrote: »

so here I am, living as part of a family but spending most of my time in my room because it is the only space where I am in control.
The last thing I want is to sound ungrateful but I am finding it hard to fit myself in. They would really like me to live totally as part of the family but I hope you will understand when I say that their ways are not my ways. At 76 and having had my own home since I was 20 perhaps I have grown a bit set in my ways but I have made my mistakes and n
know what works for me. Sorry to unload this on you but I want you to understand when I complain that when I snap up some amazing bargain and mentally plan how I will use it, I could spit nails when I find that it has been used for packed lunches.

First, you don't sound ungrateful. (If you did, you'd have no problem asserting your rules on everyone and being in control.) 56 years of being in charge isn't easy to give up, nor is trying to recover from a life changing situation (especially when you feel your life depends on someone else's charity) you are in a limbo, which was probably great for getting you out of the immediate problem but isn't so great for getting back to where you need to be. (And I wish I had some easy answers, you, of all people, deserve a better solution).
Second, there's no need to apologise for unloading on this thread. There is no need for anybody to apologise for unloading on this thread, but you've provided huge amounts of support, advice, amusing anecdotes - you've even tried to improve the communications skills of one beloved member. So if anyone has earned the right, you have - but one of the joys of this thread is no one needs to earn the right to unload, we share misfortunes, we share joys and we support each other (ok, I lurk far more than I should in that respect).

I wish I had some positive suggestions for a way to improve things and more importantly reduce your loneliness and increase your happiness - I don't, but I can read/listen and if some idea occurs I'll suggest it. Meanwhile I can offer virtual hugs, would love to offer a cup of tea and a piece of cake and a bit of private space that could be your domain.

monnagran

Thank you all. I'm not usually negative but being in an emotional state the last straw was receiving a letter from the husband of a friend in response to my usual long newsy Christmas letter. We didn't see a lot of each other but she was one of those friends who if you hadn't seen her for a year it was as though you had parted yesterday. She was also the funniest person I have ever known, and I have known a few. Anyway, she had died of cancer during the year when I was on holiday and didn't even know she was ill. I was shattered, she was quite a few years younger than me and I thought she was one of the indestructible ones.

I guess that it was just one blow too many.

I am blessed with many loving friends, several of whom are waiting for me to go and stay for a few days with them but I seem to be paralysed.

You know what..........."chin up, Titus out!"


x

greenbee

Monnagran - it sounds like you've been through a lot recently, and your reactions are perfectly normal.

Some ideas for small things that might help. Next time you buy something for a specific purpose, stick a label on it saying 'I have plans for this...'. Maybe if you offer to cook on specific days it will give some structure to your shopping and also make it more obvious that food not be generally available. If you start doing that, then you may be able to agree a way to identify food that is generally available and food that has a designated fate.

Go and visit your friends - giving yourself and your family a break from each other will help. Work out the optimum period for being at home, and plan your travels so you can get away often enough to feel that you're not getting on each other's nerves.

It might also be worth considering house sitting. If you need time on your own then it would get you away from everyone. If the idea appeals, let me know... I could do with a house sitter to keep my builders in order while I'm away for work (not that you would want to live with my builders... even I don't )

I'm sure things will get better. As you say, you have friends and family who love you, plus a whole lot of random people on the internet who are here to listen and come up with ideas which may or may not be useful. (The good thing is, we won't be offended if you reject our ideas).

candlelight_2013

Monna, I am so sorry about the death of your friend, on top of everything else it must have been a dreadful shock.

As Jazee says, could you just confide a little at a time in your family, and give them some idea of how you feel. I am a little younger than yourself and I know I would need some space and "me" time. I am sure your family love you to bits, but it can be a little overpowering some times.

As one of our posters has said in a previous post (she had been in the entertainment business) Teeth and t*its darling, teeth and t*its.

Much love

Candlelightx

[Deleted User]

monnogran, I feel your pain and wish I could take some of it away from you. Ok, you have a great mental attitude, very old school in the nicest and best possible way but your life has changed completely and you haven`t had time, or been able to adapt. It is in many ways similar to the way we have been feeling on the widows thread and it is hugely frightening when the bottom falls out of your world, when somehow you have to scrape yourself off the floor, stand upright and make another life with all the compromises that involves.

At the moment, you need to look after yourself, to get this protective bubble in place around yourself, a day at a time. When you feel brighter then that is when you can take more of those baby steps towards sorting out a longer term solution. You need to regain your zest before any of that can happen. Can I suggest valerian, it relaxes, helps take away anxiety, calms any pain and doesn`t send you to sleep. You sleep better because you are able to be more relaxed. I still take two through the day and it has been a miracle worker. Come on the widows thread if you like, we don`t only comfort widows

[Deleted User]

MONNAGRAN does your current house have a garage or room to put in the garden a modern summerhouse/shed? We have a summerhouse that was designed as a craft room and have run electricity to it and it is warm with a small fan heater. The garage we have is integral and would take very little to convert to a room and thus give you your own lounge where you could close the door and be 'You' not part of a hectic family with tiny people until you wanted to be part of that family life. The craft room/summerhouse although separate from the house would also give you that space to be only yours. I so understand the need for the peace and quietude of a separate space that isn't your bedroom to go to and make your own small 'home'. Chin up chicken, it will feel less alien as you adjust but you're early days yet to the changes in life and acceptance doesn't come but at a time distance and making peace with yourself, Lyn xxx.

ivyleaf

Darling Monnagran, I have nothing to add to what other posters have already said, but want to send you some (((HUGS))).

What a difficult situation for you, in your own house but it's currently not quite your own home. I hope you feel able to visit a friend for a bit of a break very soon xx

CRANKY40

I was going to say almost the same as Kittie did Monnagran. Grief doesn't always just have to be the loss of an actual person - loss of your normal way of life is just as devastating. Don't dismiss your emotions as "not coping". They're valid emotions with a good enough reason for feeling them.

Can you start planning? When MrCranky died all our joint plans and dreams came to a full stop. What got me moving forward again was starting to plan just for me and our small son. I started by planning a holiday because that gave me something to look forward to (sort of if you know what I mean). I realise I'm teaching granny to suck eggs here, but when your mind is in turmoil sometimes the coping strategies that have worked in the past elude you.

Maybe you should do a UK tour of MSE :rotfl: You'd definitely be welcome in this house. Especially if you can knit penguins as I've done three and am currently refusing to do any more