Young adults at home

kingfisherblue

I must have been lucky - my daughter lived at home until last year, when she turned 23 and bought a house with her partner.


We found that compromise worked. She paid enough board to cover her costs, but also saved as she wanted to buy a house. We found that the envelope method worked well until she got used to budgeting. Sometimes she would pick up a bit of extra shopping and pay for it herself, even if it was for the family. Other times I would buy a treat and include her as well as the two younger ones.


She was responsible for her own room, but had to help with things around the house as well. So if she was putting the washer on, she included clothes other than her own. If she cooked, I washed up.


With regards to going out, She was free to come and go, but I asked her to consider that I might worry. We compromised by her sending me a photo of the taxi registration plate and only using taxis from the cab office, and texting when she reached her destination (either her friend's house or her boyfriend's parents' house). Ok, it might have been 4am, but I knew she was safe!


In return, I didn't nag her about going out, using our home like a hotel, etc.


Consideration for each other is necessary. I respected that she was now an adult with her own life to lead, and she respected that I would always be her mum and would worry, and also that I am not her maid!


She and her fianc! bought a house a year ago and moved in last June. We still have a good relationship and enjoy each other's company.

lulu_92

I don't think my mum was over the moon about me coming home in the early hours of the morning - weekends and weekdays, but she had no reason to not trust me. Our arrangement was that I'd text her when I was leaving and when I got home and I wasn't to make any noise when coming home!

I think she was okay with it because I had a job that required me to work evenings and she appreciated that I'd go to the pub after work for a few.

It was all about being considerate to each other that helped us.

kingfisherblue

j.e.j. wrote: »

Sorry, but it's perfectly normal for an 18 year old to go out clubbing with his friends! As long as he's quiet when he gets in and doesn't wake you up I can't see the problem.

However, I wouldn't have him bringing girls and one-night-stands back home from the clubs, so I think you're being reasonable there.

I agree with this. I wouldn't have a problem with a long term girlfriend coming back with him though (or him going back to her place, providing he texts to let you know).

DSmiffy

j.e.j. wrote: »

Sorry, but it's perfectly normal for an 18 year old to go out clubbing with his friends! As long as he's quiet when he gets in and doesn't wake you up I can't see the problem.

However, I wouldn't have him bringing girls and one-night-stands back home from the clubs, so I think you're being reasonable there.

Yep, I agree with the above. They all seem to go clubbing till 3 and 4 am now.
I used to worry but got used to the idea he wouldn't be home until 4.30am. I used to leave his bedroom door ajar, so that if I got up at 5am to use the loo and saw his door shut, I knew he was in.

My rule was that if he was going to be later than 4.30am, or decided to stay at a friends house, he had to send a text to let me know.
I usually didn't pick it up till I woke the next morning, but it's better than waking to find the bed's been empty all night and no idea where he was.

atolaas

If he doesn't like the rules at home, he can always move out. A bit of distance may help improve the relationship between your husband and son, so you're not caught in the middle.

Purplesky_2

I think you need to talk to each of the people involved separately.
For your husband, what is the actual issue? It's perfectly ok to be annoyed at loud and drunken behaviour, and to a degree about having people you don't like in your home.
But if the deeper problem is actually concern for the choices, or feeling disrespected then that needs to be dealt with directly. How you deal with that depends on your family dynamics. Maybe going for a walk in the park, or going out for a meal (Neutral ground/public place) would be best for that?
Having a problem with your son having fun while your working may also lead to feelings of resentment. Is there something you could do as a couple or that your husband could do with friends to let off some steam too?

For your son, allow him to be critical and honest in a safe space. Ask him to be specific about how he feels like a child. Is it he feels unnecessarily stifled or that he wants to take on some more responsibility, or does he genuinely think that all his money is for him to spend on toys etc. Does he want to be able to go out at the weekend or like he has a bedtime/curfew still? And then see where you can compromise on those things. So girlfriends over, yes - one night stands, no?, He sends you a text when he gets somewhere safe, be that your house or a friends? (This is what my brothers do for my mum now).

He needs to be able to make mistakes now so that he learns from them. My first few relationships were awful, but I was young enough that all they did was instruct my future ones. And yes, going to clubs is a normal part of living for an 18 year old. Have rules about noise or drunkenness or timing with a financial/household penalty, if that's all the problem is. Maybe he agrees to sleep somewhere else if he stays out past midnight?

Taking some quiet time and demonstrating how expensive living can be and how much work is involved in running a household may help too.

Essentially it's a period for making mistakes, adjustment and learning life lessons like budgeting, compromising and conflict resolution. But it's not easy on either side. Talk to your friends to see how they dealt/are dealing with similar problems?

j.e.j.

There were no texts or mobile phones in my day, lol. I'm not sure a drunken text message at 3am would have gone down too well in any case :rotfl:

Once your kid is 18 they can do pretty much what they want, within reason, as long as they respect their parents home.

Alikay

madwomanintraining wrote: »

When I really think about it the problems probably started with him leaving school and making some very poor choices......
So I suppose some of it is trust issues too.

It's frustrating to see your chldren making those poor decisions, but IMO you ARE treating him like a child if you're stressing about it and trying to make him take your unsolicited (if wise!) advice. Part of being an adult is making your own decisions, and dealing with the consequences of them.

I don't see how you can object to him going out until 3am at weekends - he is paying rent, and most young people do go clubbing at weekends - what exactly is the problem if he is reasonable quiet when he comes in? Equally his choice of friends and partners is up to him - I guess you could stop them coming into your house, but surely that wouldn't help your relationship with your son.

pmlindyloo

I do agree that an eighteen year old must be allowed to live their lives as they want but....

if they continue to live in your home then they must treat it like a home and not a hotel.

So, for our two, we explained it as if we were talking about ourselves. This means that if I go out I let my husband know where I am going and what time I will be back. If things change then I phone or text to let him know. As I explained to my two this is not to do with checking up on someone but being sensible in case of emergencies.

Similarly as regards coming home - being quiet so as not to wake anyone (didn't make any difference cos I was listening out - you can't stop this!) - all about being considerate to each other.

Ditto with helping around the house etc etc

It's not about treating them as a child, it's about asking them to be respectful and sensible as an adult.

Having said all that it is far from easy and as young adults they will forget and need nagging (just like my OH!)

As for your OH and son this is quite normal - boy to man often brings clashes.

Have the chat with your OH about how you are going to manage this transition and then have a chat with your son and OH.

At the minimum you and OH must be singing from the same hymn sheet.

Oh and, by the way, it does pass!!!

Fizzy11

This isn't really about your son paying rent it's about respect which works both ways. Maybe explain to son that you agree it's unfortunate that his father works hard all hours of the day to provide a roof over his head so tell him you think he should start looking at shared houses. Not in an argumentative way but calmly. He may well be shocked but you are giving him power which at 18 he craves. Explain that neither of you want this to happen but if he feels he can't live by your rules then so be it. Don't shout about being an adult but treat him like a child & don't argue about what isn't inevitable. Stop buying food he likes, stop having those treats in & stop making life easy. It isn't as an adult but we learn to compromise. My daughter moved out to a house share after returning home from uni. She lasted 24 hrs!!!