Young adults at home

madwomanintraining

My home has become a war zone with my 18 year old son and husband constantly clashing on everything.
My son works and is treated like an adult at work but complains we treat him like a kid at home.
Anyone else found a happy medium and would like to share as I'm dreading the weekend when they are together!

warmhands.coldheart

Treat him like an Adult if that's what he wants..
SO......
Charge him Rent/Living costs to cover Food, Electricity, Gas, etc.... ....
Let him Wash, Iron etc all his own clothes......
DO NOT Subsidise him in any way.
Set out House Rules.... ie. if/when he can/can't have Girlfriends/friends round at the house, (It is NOT his house so should not treat it as such)

onomatopoeia99

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Treat him like an Adult if that's what he wants..
SO......
Charge him Rent/Living costs to cover Food, Electricity, Gas, etc.... ....
Let him Wash, Iron etc all his own clothes......
DO NOT Subsidise him in any way.
Set out House Rules.... ie. if/when he can/can't have Girlfriends/friends round at the house, (It is NOT his house so should not treat it as such)

But is it those things, or:

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When will you be back?
How much did you spend on that?
Don't buy <item>, it's a waste of money!
You're not going there on holiday / coming home after midnight / staying out all night without telling us first / etc.


The independence of being an adult comes in many forms, it's not just financial independence from one's parents and fending for oneself in day to day chores, but being free from being questioned about your life and choices or told what to do.

We don't know what the source of the conflict is, but for some people (e.g. me) my examples would cause far more strife than having to pay rent or do laundry.

Mojisola

madwomanintraining wrote: »

My son works and is treated like an adult at work but complains we treat him like a kid at home.

Do you?...............

74jax

madwomanintraining wrote: »

My home has become a war zone with my 18 year old son and husband constantly clashing on everything.
Did this just start at 18 or have they always?

My son works and is treated like an adult at work but complains we treat him like a kid at home.
In which way?

Anyone else found a happy medium and would like to share as I'm dreading the weekend when they are together!

I think we need to know what you are doing in treating him as a kid beofre we can say anything.

peachyprice

madwomanintraining wrote: »

Anyone else found a happy medium and would like to share as I'm dreading the weekend when they are together!

The happy medium would be to treat your son like an adult while he respects you and your home.

Do you/your husband still treat him like a schoolboy?

princeofpounds

He probably is a bit. Parents can always see the child in their adult offspring. But the question is whether it is reasonable or not, which we can't comment on easily.

I do agree that if he hasn't moved out, he probably still doesn't understand what being an adult really is all about. Once someone has paid council tax, dealt with landlords and mortgages, utility bills, had to do all their own chores, struggled to save - then they typically start to appreciate what their own parents a) achieved and b) put themselves through to support them.

Suspect you get another dimension on that when you have kids, but that's for another time!

It sounds like a bit of space might do their relationship a lot of good and he should move out. But making that into a positive thing rather than a rejection is important.

amistupid

My impression of 18 year olds living at home, and I've brought up four, is they want to do as they wish without doing much in return.

madwomanintraining

He does pay rent.
It's got worse since being 18, as so many of his friends seem to have free reign to do exactly as they please (I have seen plenty of evidence of this ie clubbing till 3am, girlfriends staying over etc.)
My husband works shifts so during the week we tend to want him home a reasonable time and he needs to get up for work so he tends to go along with this but weekends he want to be out all hours like his friends which causes some of the conflict (my husband works weekend too).
When I really think about it the problems probably started with him leaving school and making some very poor choices regarding a girlfriend who caused him no end of grief but he wouldn't give up, despite her costing him a couple of good friends and him giving up all his sporting ambitions for her too, and making poor choices like modifying his car then finding out he had invalidated his car insurance when pulled over by the police, and getting involved with some friends who are always getting in trouble with the police (luckily he has since dropped them). So I suppose some of it is trust issues too.

j.e.j.

madwomanintraining wrote: »

My home has become a war zone with my 18 year old son and husband constantly clashing on everything.
My son works and is treated like an adult at work but complains we treat him like a kid at home.
Anyone else found a happy medium and would like to share as I'm dreading the weekend when they are together!

Hm difficult one. Do they just not get on, generally?

From your son's point of view he's got to weigh up the benefit of saving money by living with his parents, with the downside of living with his old man, who he doesn't get on with.

I don't know if an 18 year old would be earning enough to get a place of their own, - a bedsit possibly - but would you want to see him on his own in a dingy bedsit, having to scrape by.

j.e.j.

madwomanintraining wrote: »

It's got worse since being 18, as so many of his friends seem to have free reign to do exactly as they please (I have seen plenty of evidence of this ie clubbing till 3am, girlfriends staying over etc.)
My husband works shifts so during the week we tend to want him home a reasonable time and he needs to get up for work so he tends to go along with this but weekends he want to be out all hours like his friends which causes some of the conflict (my husband works weekend too).

Sorry, but it's perfectly normal for an 18 year old to go out clubbing with his friends! As long as he's quiet when he gets in and doesn't wake you up I can't see the problem.

However, I wouldn't have him bringing girls and one-night-stands back home from the clubs, so I think you're being reasonable there.