No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

Hi MC! Well done for realising the early bar could be a trigger and avoiding it - very wise! :T

Ah, I felt Mondayish too yesterday and I'm not drinking! Mondays are Mondays whatever I think. Never my favourite day, just one to get through and get into bed early for me! Well done for stopping at two glasses of wine on Sunday. I read the post on Annie's blog. I have mixed feelings about it really. On the one hand the poster made a lot of sense, on the other hand, I don't think she can really be responsible for other people reading her blog. It's HER blog and if people find it frustrating it's probably best not to read it. Having said, that there was a lot of wisdom in the post. I hope Annie will take something positive from it. I'm still really rooting for her!

Ah, I've been where you are with the moderating MC. It didn't work for me - well it did for a while but then I was soon slipping into my old habits again. But it does work for some people. We all have to make our own decisions and for me, this is the first time that I've been truly ready to stop drinking completely (well for now anyway). You are doing something really positive though by being mindful about what you are drinking. I'm sure you will find the path that's right for you.

Isn't that the same in every area of life though? It is easy to tell people what they should do but harder to actually take our own advice!

You aren't hijacking the thread at all MC! It's always lovely to hear from you so please carry on "rambling" No one can ramble more than me, I'm the Queen of rambling! :cool:

Chardonnay

Day 31 for me! I had lost track and had to count up and was shocked to see I've made it this far!

I didn't post yesterday as I was absolutely shattered for some reason and couldn't wait to get into bed in the evening! I lay down on the bed at lunchtime (I work from home) and fell asleep for 20 minutes! Had a stressful day with my daughter again so that didn't help matters. No thoughts of drinking though and feel like I am really starting to build up some sober momentum.

I've signed up to Headspace as I've done the first 10 days now and have enjoyed it. I didn't read it properly and thought it said that it was a monthly payment but you pay for it in one lump sum :mad: I got two months free and it wasn't too extortionate but I'd better make sure I use it every day now to get my money's worth!

Off out for my weekly run with my dad in a minute. Have a good day all!

Chardonnay

Day 32. Not much to say today apart from I've had a very stressful couple of days with my daughter and seem to have an almost constant headache.

However, on the plus side, I haven't even thought about drinking, so that's got to be a good thing!

Honey_Bear

I meant to say, yesterday, Chardonnay - huge, huge congratulations on getting to Day 31! It is a milestone, and each of them should be celebrated. Sorry things are stressful, and I hope the situation sorts itself out really quickly.

MarylandCookie_2

Morning Chardonny, well done on day 32 - it must feel amazing. What do the dieters say - 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels', there must. Be something similar for being on day 32, your amazing, especially after your stressful few days.

Hope today's a better day x

Chardonnay

Thanks HB!

Things have calmed down a lot now thankfully, until the next time anyway

I feel better today - the headache finally seems to have more or less gone and I feel a lot better in myself. Day 33 which is the joint longest time I haven't drank alcohol for since I can remember so will be in unknown territory soon!

I've definitely been obsessing about drinking less although a well-meant comment from someone very dear to me yesterday started me off a bit again. I had been saying about my headache and all of the stress going on and she said maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself by not drinking at all when there are social events coming up and my holiday. She later said it was because I had said these events would be hard and she worried I was being too hard on myself. That's because I was full of enthusiasm to her about how I was feeling with not drinking the other day but then I thought that I didn't want to sound smug so I tempered it with "Don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I said it's always easy though" and mentioned the events and holiday so maybe I came across that I was really struggling.

The truth is that I'm not struggling most of the time. I even dreamed about drinking again the other night and was really upset with myself in my dream. I used to do that when I stopped smoking too. I hope that's a good sign! I really feel I'm getting things right in my head now - I am actually looking forward to the holiday rather than feeling like it wouldn't be the same as I had been before.

I do have to admit though, when she said that, I had a bit of a wobble and it made me question myself for a while. I have noticed before that other people seem to have more of a problem with me not drinking than I do! I do wonder if they think I'm suddenly going to become really boring and make them feel guilty about drinking but that is never going to happen (well I hope I won't be boring, I certainly won't make them feel guilty for drinking!) But then I came through that with the thought that I can be pretty stubborn and strong willed when I want to be. I quite like the idea of being different too and not following the crowd! I like the idea that I'm the one trying something different. As I said to my friend, I am trying a new, different way of life. I can always go back to the old one if I don't like it. She then said she admired me and that made me proud

Chardonnay

Morning MC! :wave: It does feel great thanks! I'm looking forward to what happens after today as I will be in unknown territory then. Not sure what I'm exactly expecting will actually happen, something magical maybe?

Thanks for your lovely words. Hope you have a great day!

Honey_Bear

To be entirely pragmatic - nothing happens, nobody runs up flags, or congratulates you or gives you a bunch of flowers, which is odd, really, because during the drinking days, they'd have given you a bottle of wine or champers or whatever to mark a big event or achievement. I think drinking is such a norm now that when one of us stops it kind of throws our friends and they can feel just a teensy bit uncomfortable with it.


And there is a possibility that we all fall for the idea that 'If she's stopped drinking completely she must have been really, really bad, sleeping in gutters and living on a park bench kind of thing' which isn't the case at all.


I had a really odd conversation with a friend of OH's about a month ago. He doesn't drink during Lent, ever, and while he was here I mentioned Becks and offered him one. His reaction was quite odd, really. He told me, repeatedly, that he'd never seen me drunk, I didn't have a problem with drink and that he couldn't understand why I stopped. The longer the conversation went on, the more vehement he became and I was really, really puzzled by it. In the end I told him that while he may not have thought I was drunk, I had been taking anti-depressants for ten years, with the booze, which amplify the effect of it, and he certainly had seen me drunk because I was, every night. And that I could be pretty nasty to OH sometimes and I didn't want to be that person any more, all of which is true.


This friend of OH's is in his 80s and I would have thought he would have been one of the people who would have just said, 'Well done, good choice' and kind of left it at that, rather than insist I didn't have a problem and should continue drinking.


The people around me who I like and respect not being respectful and supportive of my choice, which, as you say, at times isn't easy peasy, can be disheartening, uncomfortable and disappointing.


So, I'm hearing warning bells reading 'looking forward to seeing what happens next.' Whatever happens is what you, yourself, generate.


And all of that sounds very headmistress and bossy, which I don't mean it to, but I don't know how to rephrase it so that it sounds warm and fuzzy. You're well on the way now and I don't want you to have raised expectations that will be dashed if you still harbour the perfectly reasonable expectation that friends will be supportive, even congratulatory, about it. Sadly, they won't.


It's still brilliant, though!

Chardonnay

Morning HB. Thanks for your wise words as ever.

"I think drinking is such a norm now that when one of us stops it kind of throws our friends and they can feel just a teensy bit uncomfortable with it."

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I can sense that with people. Luckily my OH is being amazing. He's so supportive and I guess he's seeing the difference it's making to my health and mood so is happy that I'm not grumpy and dying on the sofa every weekend now!

"And there is a possibility that we all fall for the idea that 'If she's stopped drinking completely she must have been really, really bad, sleeping in gutters and living on a park bench kind of thing' which isn't the case at all."

Again, this really resonates with me. I've had people say "it's not like you had a drink problem or anything". Compared to some people, I didn't. I didn't drink every night but when I did drink in a social situation, just found it so hard to stop. Plus it was taking less and less booze to write the next day off and as you've said, life's too short for wasting days! Plus, it makes me feel rubbish mentally. But yes, I think people think I'm being extreme by not drinking at all.

How odd of your OH's friend to be like that?!! I think some people do get very defensive of their own drinking and that probably reflects in their behaviour towards you. Sorry you had to defend your decision. It really shouldn't be anyone else's business anyway! As you say though, it does reiterate how drinking is the norm in our society.

Ah, sorry if I didn't explain myself well but when I said that I was looking forward to what happens next, I was more talking about how I will feel physically and mentally. I have had days recently (not every day) where I have felt better than I can ever remember and I feel I have achieved more than I have achieved in a long time. I feel I'm on an adventure at the moment and don't know what's going to happen next! Drinking just made me so sluggish and unproductive. I know some people may never understand my not drinking but I can only be responsible for myself and do what's right for me.

A couple of mini tests this weekend - tonight we are off for a drink to meet my daughter's boyfriend's family as he's coming on holiday with us now! We shouldn't be out long. Tomorrow OH and I are off to Bristol for the weekend for my lovely step daughter's birthday and off out for an Italian meal. I'm not too worried about that as I think the only person drinking will probably be OH and he'll just have two or three beers. I don't think it crosses his daughters' minds to have a drink with dinner, so I'll be taking a leaf out of their book! It should be a bit cheaper anyway without all that wine!

Day 34 today. Into uncharted territory now!

Have a good weekend!

MarylandCookie_2

Hi Chardonnay, day 34, that's brilliant well done. You sound so positive and full of beans. Have a great weekend xx