No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

Thanks HB. Yes I am trying to "nurture" myself more, to really look after myself. I love reading and can't get enough blogs/books about being AF at the moment. The Allen Carr book is really helping me with the feeling of being deprived and the more time goes on the more I am beginning to believe that it is really possible to have a great life without alcohol. That's something that I would never have thought possible in the past. Stopping drinking altogether would have been unthinkable until about a year ago when I started reading blogs on the net and realised that it could be done and life would still go on!

Thanks You were one of the people that made me realise that there was a great life to live out there without alcohol. I realised that I was starting to feel envious of your posts and then I realised that was because I wanted to be alcohol free too! It's so great to find like-minded people and to be able to share our thoughts and encourage each other! :T

Chardonnay

Hi MC! I love Mojitos too and don't see why they should be any less enjoyable without alcohol! My sister in law is great at making them and as we'll all be on holiday together soon I will be asking for no alcohol in mine :cool:

Thanks! Wow, 12k, that's really good! I got up to 10k last year. I managed to do it once and was planning on doing a local race, but then went away for the weekend with my husband and drank so much that I felt rough for a week and talked myself out of doing it. Another huge reason not to drink for me! I am definitely planning on getting back up to 10k again at some point and would like to do a 10k race this year (not that I am fast by any means!) It would be great to encourage each other! I find running is so great for my mental health.

Have a great Tuesday all!

Chardonnay

Day 24 now. Not interested in drinking at all at the moment. Long may it last. I'm just waiting for my dad to come over as we're going to go for a 5k run together. It's become a bit of a tradition and it's so lovely to spend quality time with dad, especially at this difficult time. The sun is shining and it'll be lovely to get outside!

I've noticed that I've been getting headaches just before bed for the past few days. I thought they were maybe side effects of my meds but then realised that I didn't get them on Sat/Sun evening so wonder if they're work-related, with staring at a computer all day. Hopefully they will pass.

I did day 3 or my meditation today - am loving it, it's the most effective way that I've found and hopefully will start to impact on my daily life soon.

Honey_Bear

Chardonnay wrote: »

You were one of the people that made me realise that there was a great life to live out there without alcohol. I realised that I was starting to feel envious of your posts and then I realised that was because I wanted to be alcohol free too! It's so great to find like-minded people and to be able to share our thoughts and encourage each other! :T

Thank you so much for saying that, Chardonnay. Posting started out as a way of helping myself on the GU/CD support thread, and then it morphed into something else because I discovered that I had a lot of questions I couldn't find the answer to. Then I discovered that there is a lot of mis-information out there about alcohol and I wanted to set the record straight from my personal perspective, because I'm not unusual, heroic or different from most people and this is much, much simpler than people think.

Firstly - for those of us that aren't addicited - we are not helpless over alcohol. We just have to not take the first sip.

And secondly - it really is as simple as putting not drinking into the same headspace as not being able to tightrope walk over Niaigra. It might sound like fun but it takes a certain kind of person to do it, and I'm just not one of those people.

Life is so much simpler, happier and more rewarding for me now and I'd like other people to know that it can be relatively (and I say that advisedly) - relatively - painless. I'll take the necessity of self-discipline over the hangovers, self-loathing and shame any day!

Chardonnay

Morning HB. I agree it's much simpler than people think. And getting into the mindset of drinking just not being something we do is really useful.

I just could never comprehend that I could live a happy life without alcohol. It shows how much we have been brainwashed over the years. Life so far for me, like you, is actually far happier without alcohol and the hangovers, wasted days and anxiety. As I said, it was only a year ago that it even occurred to me that I could just stop drinking full stop. Before that, I always thought that stopping drinking was far too extreme, and just something that "real" alcoholics "needed" to do (you know, people that have vodka for breakfast etc.) I pitied those poor people who could never again let any alcohol pass their lips. How could they possibly enjoy their lives fully again?

I can also remember probably around 10 years ago dating a guy who had chosen to stop drinking. He was full of energy and life but I just couldn't comprehend why someone would actually choose not to drink alcohol any more. I actually felt sorry for him as I guzzled my (several) glasses of wine. In fact I always viewed people that didn't drink as a little bit strange, a bit boring and dull. Hmm!!! I wonder if that's how people will view me now? I wonder how he found my "scintillating" conversation after a few glasses of wine?

We are choosing to live a different way HB and I am still at the stage of finding that exciting!

Have a great day!

Chardonnay

Day 25. Very tired today but that's because I had a bad night's sleep due to problems with teenage daughter :mad: She is 19 but has Aspergers and life hasn't been easy but she's now got to that rebellious stage a little later than most and has a boyfriend and is very all over the place at the moment - she's really quite vulnerable and I'm having a hard time trying to get her to listen to me. Oh well, it had to come some time I guess and I was a nightmare teenager!

Dad also has his MRI scan today so that's been on my mind. My brother is taking him and we are hoping to get the results as soon as possible now but I am very nervous about that obviously.

But, I am coping with these issues without drinking alcohol and actually coping with them better that way I think.

My 5k run went great yesterday. It was the fastest since my op and nearly 2 minutes faster than last week so really pleased with that! I have the afternoon off today too to take my daughter to an interview (hoping she will be up to it!) and am going to have a much needed hair cut, so that'll be nice. Might treat myself to a latte too

I did have some pangs yesterday afternoon. Not about the present, but about the future again and they did pass. Still reading my book and getting a lot from it. Still meditating and also finding that beneficial. Still trying to take every day as it comes and mostly feeling positive!

Honey_Bear

Intereseting, isn't it, when we think of the future and not being able to drink on a particular occasion, we sometimes suffer a pang, and yet, today, just today - I can do without one and life's better that way.

The longer you go on, if you're anything like me, the more you'll discover that the pangs about the future are an oddity. Seriously. I mean why feel disappointed and sad about something that you aren't going to be able to do in a month, three months, on your birthday, or next Christmas or whenever. Looking forward to something is great, but having pangs about the future is, actually, very odd. And I speak from experience on this, as once again, this isn't something I've come across any discussions about. I decided that the future-pangs were so odd I was going to view them as an aberation. And having got through a wedding, Christmas Day, new year's eve and OH's birthday, my birthday isn't something I have any pangs about at all.

Chardonnay

Morning HB. What you say about the pangs and looking to the future and feeling disappointed or sad about something you AREN'T going to do makes a lot of sense actually and is much needed today so thank you very much for that.

My pink cloud seems to have disappeared and been replaced by a black one, but I would imagine that is par for the course. I didn't have a great day yesterday, worrying about my dad and also my daughter who is really playing up at the moment. I was so tired yesterday that I cancelled my hair appointment, changed it to Saturday and just spent the afternoon trying to chill out at home. We went to the pub for tea last night - my suggestion. I have to say, there was a small temptation to drown the stresses of the day in a couple of glasses of wine but I knew that I wouldn't do that really. I had two Becks Blue with lime. I find they have a bit of a bitter aftertaste but the lime helped to sweeten it. I've never been a huge beer drinker though so that might be me.

We had a nice time. I just felt strange though - like something was missing - a bit self conscious. It sounds stupid I know. I knew that I wouldn't drink last night but the obsessing about the future started again and I started to think how hard it all was. I did feel the benefit when we were walking home and realised how great I felt and that I could still enjoy the evening without needing to go to bed early in a wine fuelled haze. My husband was very tired and ready for bed early, after drinking a couple of pints at the pub and that is one thing that I really don't miss.

I do feel better in myself mentally, most definitely. I do think I am coping with life better. There are a lot of stresses in my life at the moment and I suspect there are more to come (aren't there for everyone though I guess!) I am still carrying on with my meditation and really feel I am getting somewhere with it. I am going to do half an hour's run on the treadmill in a minute. I am keeping up my healthy habits. I'm still reading my Allen Carr book and hope that it will suddenly click and I will stop feeling like I'm being deprived by not drinking.

I am sure that this black cloud will pass and I will get back to feeling positive and great about my decision. Here's to a better day today - Day 26!

Honey_Bear

I don't know anything about anything, Chardonnay, but your post sounds as though you had a pretty dismal day and evening - tired, stressed out by family stuff and not being able to soothe yourself in your habitual way and then feeling a bit deprived.


To be entirely honest I don't know what the pink cloud is, although I have a suspicious inkling that it's feeling good about stopping drinking and then when that feeling passes, as all good feelings do, feeling grim and wondering why the feeling good thing has passed.


Breaking a habit is hard. We like to have rituals in our lives, I think, and all of mine certainly provide a structure that contributes to making my life seem under control, comfortable, normal, and calm. When we stop performing a habitual ritual, we feel jangly - to begin with. Replace that ritual with something else, do the something else for a few weeks or months to create a new ritual and that'll come to be the new norm.


At least, in my experience, and opinion, that's what seems to have worked for me.


And it does, sometimes, feel seriously jangly in the early days. I think the pink cloud thing is a good metaphor and it works for some people better than others. When I stopped drinking it was because I didn't want to feel carp every day and even worse on some days than others - I didn't expect to feel happy about it. Just waking up without the familiar 'Oh God, why did I do that last night' was a great, fabulous, brilliant start to every day, and I took it from there.


Hang on in there. Every day that you rack up is a huge victory.

Chardonnay

Thanks so much for your support and wise words HB. You are right. I didn't have a great day at all yesterday and would usually have had a couple of wines to take the edge off and that would be like my "treat". I guess that's why I felt deprived. I meant to say also about last night that when the food came, I felt better as I had something to distract me I suppose! Sitting in a pub at the moment just having a drink is maybe a bit much for me right now.

Yes I guess the pink cloud thing is exactly what you say. When you first start you are full of enthusiasm but then the novelty starts to wear off and reality hits but if we stick with it, it does pass and we can move onto the next stage!


It is such a huge habit to break after 30 years. I know it will take a while to undo the brainwashing. Saying that you didn't expect to feel happy about it has resonated with me. I think I have been expecting to feel on top of the world all the time but that is so unrealistic. At the moment, I think I need to just not drink and let the feelings sort themselves out.


I am feeling a bit better today. I had a few pangs this morning but feeling better this afternoon and I just listened to Belle's podcast about still being able to have fun. I also just received an email from her with an excerpt from her blog saying that after day 70 she realised that her anxiety had disappeared. That's a massive incentive to me to keep plodding on. 33 days is the most I've managed so far and I'm a week off that so I look forward to seeing what life will be like once I get past that landmark! And thanks again HB, you really do help me more than you know!