No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Honey_Bear

(((Hugs))) for you, Nannytomany.

Chardonnay

Honey_Bear wrote: »

I think I stopped feeling sad about not being able to enjoying looking forward to holidays, days out, celebrations and all of those other excuses for drinking when I'd racked up a few experiences of going out, not drinking with the people who were, and walking away from it at the end of the evening feeling fine.


The tipping point was when I recognised that had happened often enough for me to recognise the number of times I would have stayed on, drank a lot more than I should, and then walked home feeling as though I'd let myself down, that I was going to feel $h!t in the morning, that I'd written off the following day already, that I was furious with OH and was about to pick a really nasty fight with him for no reason at all - other than I'd had too much to drink.


That pattern was terrifyingly normal until the last time it happened and even I knew it couldn't go on. I can't remember all of the details of that night, but I remember enough.


So, do I look forward and regret not being able to drink - NO! I know that sitting in the sun sipping champagne is the illusion for me. My reality is described in pretty accurate detail above because I never, ever stopped at the one glass of champagne.


Hang on in there, Chardonnay. It gets easier. The up and down feeling you're experiencing is Belle's Wolfie. You've already proven to yourself that taking that sucker on is worthwhile and pays huge dividends even in the short term, so imagine how gratifying it will be when you've racked up a few more days and weeks.


It is absolutely fine to do the 100 Day Challenge and then go back to drinking if that's what you decide is right for you. I won't, but at least I had a choice after the 100 Days, which was more than I had when I embarked on it.

Thanks HB. Yes I guess the more times that I go to these occasions without drinking, the easier and more normal it will get for me.

And you are right, I wouldn't just want one glass of Champagne - where's the fun in that?! I know that for me, trying to moderate is harder than not starting to drink at all. I need to remember that.

Wolfie has been having a field day with me this last couple of days but I have stayed strong and told him where to go in no uncertain terms It hasn't been easy, but I'm still here to tell the tale and still sober

Chardonnay

MarylandCookie wrote: »

Hi Chardonnay, how's things? It's been a long week, I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow. What have you got planned for the weekend? X

Hi MC! It sure has been a long week! I'm ok thanks but had a really bad day yesterday, my worst so far. It's probably understandable in a way because I had to take my dad to get his scan results (he's just been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer). I won't go into it all here but the results were mixed - not as bad as it could have been but still a big shock and an uncertain future ahead for him. My mum died of Bowel Cancer two years ago and that was so hard but dad was the one that went to the appointments with her and so we were shielded from it a little. With mum gone, my brothers and myself are his support and so I know I have to be strong for dad. I was so nervous and worried I would get upset and that wouldn't help dad but in the event I was ok and managed to be quite calm and ask lots of questions and make notes.

Afterwards I just felt so tired and sort of empty? I thought how nice it would be to have a drink last night and then started thinking about Saturday night and how I won't be able to drink and then walking around Homebase looking at the garden furniture, felt sad because I wouldn't be able to sit in the garden drinking wine. Writing it down, it sounds very silly I realise! I got myself in a right panic several times yesterday. I think I just felt overwhelmed. I told myself a few times that I probably would start drinking again but when I thought it through, realised I didn't want to. There is no doubt that I have felt better mentally and physically since I stopped drinking. My anxiety is so much better and I'm finding it easier to cope with things. I really don't want to throw that away. Drinking didn't bring me happiness, that's why I stopped. Yes it was fun at the time (sometimes) but the after effects made me feel depressed and anxious and I really don't want to go back to that again. Life is on an even keel at the moment and I guess I'm just looking for that high, or for that escape? I don't know. I don't want the lows that follow the high though.

As for the weekend, I am doing parkrun in the morning, then tomorrow evening I have my friend's charity evening - cocktails and karaoke! :eek: Definitely my biggest test so far and a lot of the reason I've been having this wobble I think.

Phew! Bet you wish you never asked! How's life with you? Anything nice planned for the weekend?

Chardonnay

nannytomany wrote: »

It does make so much sense, I've not shared this before, but 7 and a half years ago our daughter died, and we took on her 3 year old boy (of course) drink helped(?) me numb the pain but I couldn't drink too much because of school the next day so I kept it in check, but still a bottle and sometime a half as well of wine everynight sure makes you feel groggy, this week I have managed to get to Thursday (the day when I cave) and still sipping my diet coke as we speak, am going to try the whole week but I do so enjoy the taste and sometimes I think what else is there (I do have a great family with as my name mentions a few (6) grandchildren) and am very lucky to have a lovely husband, so might have one Saturday but that isn't too bad is it? Sorry for the outpour but it nice to talk to another drinker, I think your doing so well, carry on and as hard as it is facing those emotions are the greatest things you can do, much love sent.

Hi nannytomany. I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. That must still be so very painful for you. I hope that your grandson brings you joy and makes your loss a little easier to bear. It's great to hear that you have a lovely husband and family. That is such a blessing. xx

The wine every night sure does make you feel groggy. I find it can really drag you down. Of course having a drink on a Saturday isn't bad! It's nice to have something to look forward to and you deserve a treat! And don't say sorry for sharing your feelings on here. I think it can be very therapeutic!

Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Chardonnay

So Day 41! Wow, I can't believe I'm into the 40's

As I said in my previous post, I have been struggling for the last couple of days but I haven't drank, so that's the main thing. I started reading "Sober is the New Black" by Rachel Black (I think I called her Louise in another post ) What a fantastic book! I couldn't put it down last night. I feel that I can really relate to her and it has already helped me a lot.

I am still struggling through Allen Carr's book but finding it a bit heavy going. I don't feel that I can relate to his journey so much. It was just very simple for him. He just stopped drinking, no cravings or anything. I wish so much I could be like that but the reality is I don't think this journey is that easy. I have already seen huge benefits and I'm sure it will get easier but some days just suck. Simple as that. I know from reading the reviews of his book that a lot of people have really seen the light with alcohol from reading his book. I wish I could be one of those people! I will carry on reading it and hope that it will finally click with me too!

But the difference is, I can't wait to pick up Rachel's book this evening to read the next stage in her journey! She is very human!

Have a great Friday and weekend all!

Honey_Bear

Alan Carr doesn't work for me at all! So many people speak so highly of him every time I come across one of his books in the library or a bookshop I pick it up, whichever it is, and have another stab at reading it. His approach just doesn't work for me. Imperative verbs, commands and stern headmastery stuff: Don't drink, don't give in to the cravings, don't don't don't doesn't float my boat at all. Each to their own.


What does work for me is 'Yeah, this sucks. And it's hard. It's okay to acknowledge it does, and once you have, moving past it gets easier each time you do it. The cumulative effect of getting past it 10, 20, 50, 100 times means that after a while a new way of feeling good is allowed to emerge.'


So, the important thing for anyone who wants to change a habit is to find which approach works for them. It's highly individual and my lifesaver was a book called 59 Seconds by Professor Richard Wiseman which isn't about drinking at all. It's much broader based.


At the same time, I did find reading books by women who had tackled their drinking problems helpful because I could identify with them, and I wanted to feel I wasn't the only one experiencing these feelings. But 59 Seconds was the one that made the difference.


Belle, by the way, is on Day 1,000 today. How cool is that?


I'm sure you'll cope on Saturday and be very aware while you are that you are breaking new ground. Afterwards, if you're anything like me, you'll wonder why you felt so frightened of it, but I recognise completely what you're experiencing prior to the event.

MarylandCookie_2

Hi Chardonnay, HB and NTM, so good to hear how you are all doing. Sounds like there have been lots of tough times and challenges for you. Sending you all lots of love.

Nothing much planned for the weekend, cooking, cleaning and chores, oh and a bit of ironing thrown in for good measure :0) living on the edge eh?!

Might even get a quick gym session in.

Have a good weekend everyone xxxxx

nannytomany

Hi there, glad everyone is doing so well, my daughter is looking at the Alan Carr smoking book, she finds it hard too, would like to have a look at all the book mentioned, will write a list and pop to the library (very MS). One this I have noticed, is that when not drinking I am going to bed about 10.30-11.00 and getting up about 7, done all my ironing, did my daughters yesterday and a friend (who pays me) the day before, and suddenly realised I am feeling so much better, so am going without my bottle of pinot tonight, I'm so glad I found your post, such a great help.

Have a great Saturday, and rest of the weekend to all x

Honey_Bear

I'm really pleased to hear that something helps, NannytoMany and I know Chardonnay would, too. I was thinking about her just now which I why I checked her thread, hoping she's not too wound up about tonight. Fingers crossed it goes well.

The Giving up / Cutting Down thread was an absolute lifesaver for me when I stopped drinking last year, although most people on it choose to limit the number of days a month they drink which works for them. Experience has taught me that doesn't work for me, hence the stopping altogether. I'd still be drinking if I could get away with it but stopping altogether has meant that I find I get more done, sleep better and a load of other good things. Big decision though, and I'd only recommend it if any really, really wants to stop. It's just too tough in the early days, otherwise, and I don't see any point in setting oneself up for failure.

Chardonnay

Honey_Bear wrote: »

Alan Carr doesn't work for me at all! So many people speak so highly of him every time I come across one of his books in the library or a bookshop I pick it up, whichever it is, and have another stab at reading it. His approach just doesn't work for me. Imperative verbs, commands and stern headmastery stuff: Don't drink, don't give in to the cravings, don't don't don't doesn't float my boat at all. Each to their own.


What does work for me is 'Yeah, this sucks. And it's hard. It's okay to acknowledge it does, and once you have, moving past it gets easier each time you do it. The cumulative effect of getting past it 10, 20, 50, 100 times means that after a while a new way of feeling good is allowed to emerge.'


So, the important thing for anyone who wants to change a habit is to find which approach works for them. It's highly individual and my lifesaver was a book called 59 Seconds by Professor Richard Wiseman which isn't about drinking at all. It's much broader based.


At the same time, I did find reading books by women who had tackled their drinking problems helpful because I could identify with them, and I wanted to feel I wasn't the only one experiencing these feelings. But 59 Seconds was the one that made the difference.


Belle, by the way, is on Day 1,000 today. How cool is that?


I'm sure you'll cope on Saturday and be very aware while you are that you are breaking new ground. Afterwards, if you're anything like me, you'll wonder why you felt so frightened of it, but I recognise completely what you're experiencing prior to the event.

Hi HB! I'm glad it's not just me with the Allen Carr book. Saying that, I will be forever grateful to him because his smoking book helped me to give up smoking and I can honestly say I haven't missed it at all. I think alcohol addiction is maybe a bit more complex and that's why it hasn't resonated quite so much.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll put that one on my list! Still reading (and loving) Rachel Black's book. It's really helping me I think. I've also just paid for 3 months' membership at Soberistas. I love reading other peoples experiences and it gives me another tool in my sober toolbox

I know, that is so cool - 1000! She's amazing