No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Honey_Bear

Maryland Cookie, I have every sympathy with the 'Oh I don't like this feeling, I don't want to feel it again but I don't know how to get from here to there.' I started googling drinking problems quite a long time before I stopped drinking, and found the Giving Up / Cutting Down thread on the Debt Free Diaries Forum which was the first place that didn't judge people. That was a brilliant start and I thoroughly recommend it although I didn't actually do anything about it other than read it for a long, long time.

Gradually, as I became increasingly worried at the number of days each week I was aware that I just wasn't functioning well because of the after-effects of drinking more than I intended, I realised that there might be something nasty building up and that really, really worried me.

Finally, there was one night that I didn't eat enough, and drank too much, and my behaviour shocked me enough into realising that the most dangerous thing about alcohol for me is that if someone has a problem with it, it never, ever gets better of it's own accord. That, and the research I'd one over those few years meant I knew exactly what support networks I needed to plug into - for me. The big scarey one was that if I couldn't do it informally with my own chosen network, I'd have to go to AA and I cannot tell you how much that scared me. Enough, apparently, to get to Day 250 so it was a lot - after 20 years of drinking too much.

The first two weeks were as difficult as giving up smoking. The rest has required some determination but I've learned a lot, found life a lot easier since, it's saved me shedloads of money, I get more done and it has been thoroughly, thoroughly worthwhile. I couldn't have done it without the support I received that was right for me.

Carry on thinking about it, and if you can, stop beating yourself up worrying about it, but rather, use that energy and time to research what type of support would work for you if you decided you were going to either cut down, or give up. That way, you can think about easing your way in to new behaviour without having to face the idea that you can never have a drink again. That's the deal-breaker for most people, including me, and I cannot tell you how much I think I might enjoy sloshing back a G&T with masses of ice and lime the day I decide I no longer care enough about myself to have one! Just not yet.

MarylandCookie_2

Thank you both so much for your kind words and helpful comments, I really appreciate them. As Chardonnay said, you are an inspiration HB, you really are.

Have a wonderful holiday Chardonnay, enjoy the time with your family. Looking forward to catching up when your back xx

dalleDF

Hello all. This is a lovely, supportive thread. I hope you don't mind if I butt in, will definitely be subscribing. I found the Giving Up / Cutting Down Alcohol thread a bit too big and hard to follow, plus a lot of people are trying to moderate and I would like to chat to people who are cutting it out completely, as for me it's got to be all or nothing.

I have been doing Belle's challenges, she has helped me so much. Last year I did the 100 day challenge, got to 105 days and planned to keep going, but I ended up drinking and basically drank more than ever for the next three months. I felt so ill and disappointed in myself. So this year I tried again, and now I am just over halfway through the 180 day challenge. I feel much calmer without booze, without wild mood swings, and I sleep better. It's lovely not waking up feeling like a bag of cr*ap every morning, I have more money and am more productive (eating more sweet junk than ever though!).

I will be honest and say I do still have pangs at certain times, even though I am reading all the sober books and blogs I can find to try to keep the right mindset. But it's true that you never wake up in the morning and wish you had drunk the night before, but often you wish you hadn't. I keep that in mind when things feel a bit tricky on a night out. Anyway, I look forward to following all your progress on this thread. Good luck everyone!

MarylandCookie_2

Hi DalleDF, just wanted to say I love that quote, I use it a lot when I think about NOT going to the gym will definitely apply it for alcohol too.

Well done on 105 days, that's such an achievement, your almost there now on your second challenge too. I see from your sig your debt free too, a year of great achievements so far :T

Regarding Belles challenge, I just wondered, do you pay for it?

Hope Chardonnay you're having a fantastic Holiday, Happy Easter everyone xxx

dalleDF

Thanks MC! I haven't done the Sober Jumpstart class Belle runs which is the one you pay for, I am on the free challenge, but I do pay for some of the podcasts, I find them really useful especially when I'm having a bit of a wobble. There was one about sober holidays which helped get me through my first trip without booze. And 'But My Husband Drinks' was another good one for obvious reasons!

Chardonnay

Hello everyone! Thanks so much for all of your lovely messages!I'm so sorry to bring negative news but I want to be honest. I had a drink last night - only 1 measly glass of Cava. Was it worth it? No it wasn't 😢 I didn't even enjoy it that much! Wolfie was at me all day yesterday. At the airport I felt deprived when the others were having a drink. It felt like something was missing. I didn't drink on the plane and felt calmer than I have in years but I just kept obsessing and by the time we got off the plane, knew I was going to drink. Only one drink, it didn't do anything for me, didn't make me feel relaxed, just annoyed with myself. Everyone else had a lot more than me but I just know that mentally and physically I can't drink like that anymore so what's the point?

I loved the way I was feeling - stronger, calmer, like I was really doing something to be proud of! I don't want to go back to drinking and lose all that. So I got up today and did my meditation and emailed Belle to confess and ask as it was just one drink if I can just not count yesterday as an AF day rather than go back to Day 1 as I think if I can do that I can just think of yesterday as a blip. If I have to go back to Day 1 I think psychologically that will be too hard.

I'm sorry that I've let you all down but most of all I've let myself down. But maybe I needed to do that last night to confirm that drinking does nothing for me. The sun is shining, the sky is blue. Onwards and upwards!

Chardonnay

Welcome dalleDF, lovely to have you with us! You have done so well, not far away from that 105 again! You did brilliantly to restart after doing so well before! 😊 Look forward to having you with us on the journey!

Chardonnay

MC,Belle's challenge is free - amazing really!

Happy Easter all!

dalleDF

Hi Chardonnay, thanks for having me. I would say definitely treat that glass as a blip, it doesn't cancel out all your hard work from before. And now you have proved to yourself that the grass isn't greener, so you will hopefully remember that next time you are tempted. You can draw a line under it now and move on with your sober head on again, sounds like you are feeling positive already.

Honey_Bear

Oh Chardonnay, (((hugs))), (((hugs))), and more (((hugs))). You sound so disappointed with yourself and that's not what this is all about at all. It's really, really good that you can be honest and 'fess up to having one, but now I hope you can acknowledge it, put it behind you, and move on.


I don't know what Belle's rules are, and I'm not speaking for her, I'm speaking entirely for me but here are my thoughts. This may be a long post.


Firstly, this. I'm told that when we make a conscious effort to change our behaviour, one of the things that happens is that we go along well until we feel slightly 'unsafe' and then revisit the old behaviour to get that feeling of safety back. (I, personally, find routine very helpful when life is tricky, so I think I recognise what they're talking about with this.) Going on holiday is not routine, is it? So, feeling that you're in unfamiliar territory, it was inevitable that your new behaviour wasn't going to make you feel comfortable, so you did what you'd always done before, revisited old behaviour and did exactly what you used to do.


You've done it now, it didn't make you feel good, you can let it go. There.


Now, here's a confession I've made before but I didn't make a big deal about it because it wasn't. I, too, slipped and drank at some point, but it was so unimportant I can't remember when. Here's how it happened. Sainsbury's stocks it's alcohol-free beer with it's low alcohol beer, all muddled up together with absolutely no delineation between them, like the AFs on the top or bottom two shelves. NOooooooo. That would make life too easy. So, because I was attempting to find out which one tasted the best, for me (a very individual thing), I was kind of working my way through them. At some point, I picked up a bottle of 0.5% low alcohol beer rather than the normal 0.05% alcohol beer. And then I drank it, and then I read the label because I wanted to know which one it was so that I could buy it again, or not, can't remember which, and discovered that rogue 0.50% figure. I wasn't even cross with myself, because it was a genuine mistake and it meant absolutely nothing to me in terms of the boozy buzz. So, you're not the only one who's had alcohol while on the 100 Day Challenge.


And I eat liqueur chocolates.


But I don't drink.


So, please, stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself and if you do think about having that cava, remember that it didn't make you feel good, or proud of yourself, or comfortable. It made you feel sad and that's a feeling you want to avoid because it's not a good thing to have in your life if you can prevent it.


You've done brilliantly and you're such a good, honest person, that you've acknowledged what you did and I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. It means you feel safe in this space, it means you're not drinking in secret and you're reaching out for support because you know you need it. All of these are brilliant, brilliant things and I'm very touched by your trust.


This holiday was something you thought might be tricky, and the temptation is going to be there, going on around you. That's something you'd always known, and now you know just how powerful Wolfie is, you're going to meet that sucker and kick his a$$ - because that's what you do now.


I think you'll find Belle is going to be 100% supportive. I hope so, because you deserve it.


I'll keep you in my thoughts today, wishing you strength, good feelings and a lot of enjoyment.