No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

MarylandCookie_2

Hey Welcome back Chardonnay, great to hear from you. Sounds like a wonderful holiday, I'm impressed with running 4 times, that's amazing, it really is. The hotel we're staying in has a gym, I'm taking my gym gear and hoping to go at least twice.

I went to a meditation class last night, it was a talk then a guided meditation, it was really good and has inspired me to meditate more.

I know how you feel about not feeling rejuvenated, although I'm not counting days I'm a good 2 weeks without booze and feel tired and lethargic and I've not lost an ounce of weight. It could be that I'm just ready for my holiday though.

Anyway, great to hear from you, glad you're back :0) xxx

Chardonnay

Hello HB! Sorry I've been a bit quiet. Since I got back on Monday I have been absolutely shattered and also straight back to work so just struggling through the days. It's only today that I am feeling human again to be honest!

Yes HB, I suppose I expected to feel great on coming back from holiday so have to admit to being a bit disappointed that I didn't. You are right, I thought that stopping drinking would be the answer to all of my problems but it turns out it wasn't. However, I think the drink probably masked how I really felt and there are other changes that I will need to make to my life in time. Saying that, I did feel great for most of the holiday and when I went to bed at night felt a healthy tiredness rather than passing out in a slightly drunk coma and waking up feeling rubbish! It's so encouraging to hear that you are feeling better now and doing things to help yourself - I think that is what I will need to do too. One thing that pleased me is that for once, I didn't put any weight on at all on holiday despite eating my body weight in cake and chocolate!

I think you're right not to count the times that you inadvertently had a drink of beer. They weren't your fault and you weren't intentionally drinking. I do really regret my one drink that I had. It does make me feel a bit of fraud saying that I'm on Day 61 and my achievement not quite so special, maybe a little tainted? But I also don't want to go back to Day 15 which is what I would be on if I started from the beginning again.

I've managed to keep up my meditation but not been for a run since we got back as haven't got out of bed early enough! However, I'm planning to go tomorrow before work so hoping to get back into my healthy routine

Have a lovely weekend and thanks for your support as ever!

Chardonnay

Hi MC! Hey, well done for going two weeks without the booze! It sounds like you're doing really well!

Pleased that the guided meditation class went well. I've thought I've going to one of those. Hope it helps! I have to say, I still find meditation a little hard as my mind just never stops! But I do feel I am getting the benefit of sitting quietly for 15 mins a day and hopefully will feel the benefit more and more with time.

Hope you have a really lovely holiday MC and come back feeling relaxed and rejuvenated! :cool:

Honey_Bear

I think I'd feel the same about Day 61/15 Chardonnay and I can sympathise with your feelings. May I suggest a compromise? Keep track of both. You know you made the decision to take stopping drinking 61 days ago. That was when everything really changed.

Belle is counting your days from the day you had your holiday cava and that's the way she counts.

Both are valid, and when you reach your own Day 100, you can celebrate it, knowing that you took control of your life 100 Days ago and that in itself is an amazing thing.

When you achieve Belle's 100 Day Challange you can celebrate that, as well.

Win:win.

dalleDF

Hi all, seems like everyone is going great guns over here. I am on day 106 today, last time I drank when I got to day 105 so this is a personal sober best for me. I have been finding it a bit tough lately, think it's because of the sunshine, everyone is going to pubs all the time. I keep thinking I am setting myself up for a miserable summer, and obviously feeling deprived about booze is a recipe for disaster!

I watched the semi-finalists on Masterchef toasting with a glass of champagne on TV last night and I literally had a pang of longing! When that happens, the sober bloggers suggest 'playing the tape to the end' - if I drank that champagne I would not stop at one glass, it would be the whole bottle, and then I would drag the Masterchefs out to the pub and buy a round of shots and my night would end with my head over a toilet bowl and then I would have an epic hangover the next day and wouldn't get out of bed.

Chardonnay, have thought about your dilemma re counting days, and I actually think you should reset from the day of your blip, so day 15. Simply because I think it will work better to keep you on the straight and narrow - when you are tempted to drink you will remember how cross you were that you lost that long stretch of sobriety and had to go back to day one again. And 15 days (16 now?) is still a brilliant number, you'll be back up to 61 before you know it.
Just my tuppence worth!

Chardonnay

Hello! Thanks to you both for your comments, really helpful! I have decided to think of myself as on Day 17 but also keep in my mind that I have only had 1 drink (grr!!) in 63 days (64 if you count today). That then makes me realise what I've achieved. I agree that it might make me think twice about throwing away my hard earned sober day count for just one drink in the future. I am still fed up that I had that drink but I think I need to put that behind me now and be proud of myself for not drinking at all on holiday after that blip. That was such a massive achievement for me and when I first stopped drinking, something that I really thought would be impossible, especially with everyone drinking around me.

I am feeling more positive now. I went for a run yesterday morning for the first time in a week and that always really helps me as I feel the benefit of not drinking. I have nearly finished Lucy Rocca's book now - The Sober Revolution. I would really recommend it, it's really helped me. I am now looking for my next book! I find reading really important to me as it helps to keep me focused on why I'm doing this.

dalleDF, well done on Day 106!! :T That is brilliant and a great milestone for you. I can relate to your thoughts about feeling deprived. Funny how Wolfie plays tricks on us, convincing us we will be miserable without booze when that really isn't the case at all. We were miserable WITH booze (at least some of the time anyway) and that's what I try to tell myself when my mind starts wandering down that path (not always successfully, as above, but this is such a massive learning curve.) It's all about reversing the brainwashing but we've had years and years of that so I guess it will take some time to repair.

I love what you say about playing the tape to the end with Masterchef. That really made me laugh and I can see myself in that definitely! Don't you find that booze seems to be everywhere, particularly on TV. OH and I often comment that on the soaps, drinking wine seems to be such a part of normal routine, people pouring themselves a glass of wine after a day at work....just made to be so "normal". It's such a socially acceptable drug, it's so easy to forget that it is a drug and to get conned into thinking that it's harmless. What happened to having a good old cup of tea in the evening?!

Have a nice peaceful Sunday all!:)

Chardonnay

All good here today. Feeling positive and actually feel ok for a Monday....so far!

OH is starting Couch 2 5K today - something that I thought I would never see! But he started doing a bit of jogging with my dad on holiday and has warmed to the idea. He's got a shiny new pair of running shoes and I really hope he will keep it up as he does need to lose some weight (he knows he does and is unhappy with how his clothes fit plus it's impacting on his health). It's his 60th birthday party on 6th June, although you would never know he was 60. I think he'd like to see a difference by then. So we are going out at lunchtime to do our first run. Beautiful day for it! It means I'll be doing more exercise which isn't a bad thing and being AF will definitely help with that.

I spent a bit of time on Soberistas yesterday. I find that website so inspirational. I found one blog in particular that really resonated so I have signed up for updates on that one. I'm thinking of ordering the Jason Vale book next as have heard good reviews on that one. I'm also putting Veronica Valli's book on my list as that seems like a useful one too.

Happy sunny Monday everyone!

Honey_Bear

Chardonnay wrote: »

I have decided to think of myself as on Day 17 but also keep in my mind that I have only had 1 drink (grr!!) in 63 days (64 if you count today).

Good. You've resolved it to your satisfaction, and that's the only thing that matters. We each have to decide what will work for us, what will keep us going and I was mindful of this:

Chardonnay wrote: »

So I got up today and did my meditation and emailed Belle to confess and ask as it was just one drink if I can just not count yesterday as an AF day rather than go back to Day 1 as I think if I can do that I can just think of yesterday as a blip. If I have to go back to Day 1 I think psychologically that will be too hard.

All that matters is that if a person slips up and has one drink, that they go back to not drinking without giving themselves an excuse to binge or have a little tipple a couple of days later because 'I can stop at one, can't I?' I had a huge amount of sympathy for the idea that you couldn't bear to start at Day 1 again and the only thing that mattered was to keep going. And you've resolved it now, with the newly acquired knowledge that you don't like the feeling of having to start again.

It may be The Bubble Hour, but I think there is quite a lot of information on one of the sober blogs about what steps are actually necessary for someone to take that drink. It's not just reaching for a glass. Rereading the post where you 'fessed up, it sounds as though you'd planned it while on the plane, so whatever the trigger was the made the difference happened during the flight. It might be worth recognising what changed your mind so that you can prepare for the temptation next time.

Anyway, you're back, back on track and it's good to see you posting again.

Chardonnay

Thanks for your wise words and support as ever HB!

I really am very up and down at the moment. I feel good physically and ran 7k yesterday, which is the furthest I've run since last autumn and I felt really strong. I also mostly feel good mentally, apart from one lingering issue which I am awaiting CBT for. I think my general anxiety has improved with a combination of the medication (although I am only on a low dose), meditation and I'm sure not drinking has played a part.

However, I am struggling. I'm not bothered about drinking at home. That was never really a problem most of the time anyway, apart from when I was suffering extreme distress (first regarding losing my mum, secondly when dad got diagnosed) and both times I quickly realised what I was doing and got on to a healthier path. I did enjoy a bottle of wine at the weekend at home, but I don't miss that. My husband doesn't drink at home and only ever did if I was having a drink. I enjoy the weekend, watching TV that we enjoy and having other treats.

And that's the thing - alcohol has mostly been more of a treat to me. My husband and I are hoping to go abroad again later in the year, just the two of us this time, which will be a first. We are thinking of going All Inclusive and I can't help but feel disappointed that I can't have a drink. You see holidays, and social occasions still equal having a drink to me. I don't want to go back to my old ways of binge drinking. I just want to be able to have the odd drink - the odd glass of Champagne, the odd glass of Prosecco. I dunno, I still just can't get out of that feeling of being deprived!

I think the fact that I've always been a social drinker makes it harder for me to cut that connection and not feel like I'm missing out.

One flaw to me in Allen Carr's book was that he said alcohol doesn't taste good and that we just drink for the effects. While this is true for me with some drinks, I love the taste of Champagne, Prosecco and a crisp white wine or Pimms on a Summer's day. I have probably trained myself to like these tastes it's true, but the fact is I DO like the taste and I miss it.

But I also love the new me. I look better and feel better and don't want to throw that all away. I do generally believe in everything in moderation and if I could trust myself to just have the odd drink that would be ideal for me. Did I really try hard enough with moderation? Could I do it now after all this time not drinking? Has it taught me anything?

I'm sorry that this is a negative post but I need to be truthful on here. I hope this post isn't unhelpful to anyone else. I do know that I'm not going to drink today or in the near future. Maybe these feelings will pass.

Honey_Bear

Not a negative post at all, Chardonnay, an honest one, expressing all off the thinking, feeling and frustrations around deciding to knock drinking on the head.

You're not alone in needing to take something to keep anxiety at bay and if you're waiting for assistance to deal with a particular issue that in itself is an additional stress. Removing our old coping strategy (booze) and not replacing it with another easy-to-take chemical is bound to leave us feeling jangly and it's a horrible feeling. Just being able to look forward to drinking when you go out was part of your coping strategy, whether or not you drank at home and the fact that it's playing on your mind now is an illustration of that, I'd have thought.

I don't know about social drinking, I really don't. I just know that I drank every day and I didn't seem to be able to moderate every day and that I drank more than I intended with increasing frequency. That, apparently, never gets better of its own accord. The reading I did around alcohol was more focussed on the academic side of stopping; whatever works for anyone is their appropriate reading, but I've got to be honest, Alan Carr doesn't cut the mustard for me. Like you, there were drinks I absolutely loved - Pimms, G&Ts and red wine with pizza, pasta and cheese.

But here's the interesting thing. It's not today that you're sad about not drinking, it's some nebulous fantasy about how you're planning on feeling deprived at a particular point in the future. I'm not, in all honesty, a big fan of AA (no hate mail please, readers, I'm allowed my own opinion), but I think their thing about not drinking today is very useful at this juncture. And then, stocking up on Sainsbury's alcohol-free sparkling wine - because I'm a practical person and I don't want to leave myself open to temptation. Oh, and I loved sangria and prosecco and champagne, too.

But I love this new life I've given myself and I can't have this and the booze. At some point I accepted that, and I hope you find that acceptance too. It's hard, learning to live with the idea that we can't indulge ourselves and I totally, totally get where you're at and I have a huge amount of empathy for where you are right now. (((Hugs)))

Please, please email Belle. This is exactly what she's brilliant at and what she's for. You're going through a tough phase and it's all very well for me to say that it'll pass (it will) but me saying it doesn't mean that you'll believe it and that it'll help. She will find the right words.

The good news is, you don't want to drink today. Excellently well done.