No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

Hi HB. Thanks for taking the time to write that. You always make so much sense!

I'm afraid I had a drink yesterday - well two actually - we went out for tea and I had two glasses of wine with my meal. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I thought about it a lot after my last post and decided that I wanted to give moderation a go. I felt that it was something I wanted to try and if it didn't work I'd know that was that and go back to not drinking at all.

The wine wasn't the nicest I've had. I can't say I enjoyed it that much and I'm not sure it was worth it. I came home and had a cup of tea and some chocolate and didn't feel tempted to carry on. However, I slept really badly, kept waking up and was awake at 2am for a while. I had been sleeping so much better lately. Today I can really feel that I had a drink. I feel tired and look tired. It kind of reminded me why I'd stopped drinking in the first place. Although on the odd occasion I haven't known when to stop (fewer and further between in the last couple of years) the main thing is I just feel like my body doesn't like alcohol any more and I was fed up with the low level hangover feeling. All week I have eaten really well, had porridge for breakfast which always sets me up for a healthier day. Today I've had toast and am already starving. Quite enlightening that just two glasses of wine can do that to me to be honest.

I don't know what to do really. I don't know whether to stop again or not. I feel that I am at a crossroads now. I've started reading Veronica Valli's book - Why you drink and how to stop.

The problem (for me) with the Allen Carr book is that it makes it all sound so simple but doesn't really address the deep rooted reasons that drove us to start drinking in the first place.

So I will carry on reading her brilliant book. I won't drink today. And I'll see where I go from there.

Sorry not to bring positive news but I do feel that all is not lost. One way or another my relationship with alcohol has changed. I know that, and I know that it will never be the same again.

Honey_Bear

(((Hugs))) Chardonnay.

What you're experiencing sounds very painful and my heart goes out to you. I asked Belle once if there was a tipping point during the 100 Day Challenge when she could feel confident that someone was going to make it to the end without slipping up, and you may be surprised to hear it was Day 60. You'd done the hard part but probably didn't know, so you probably didn't think of it as enough of an amazing thing to keep on track.

It's a risk I daren't take - the one glass of cava you had on holiday; I knew if I'd just once thought I could moderate I'd be back drinking the same old amount as always within a few days. You don't know that, and in that you may be right and moderation may work for you. You and I stopped for very different reasons and it seems my motivation was an event that was bad enough to convince me I couldn't go on living like that.

My homemade bread is fabulous (because I have a Panasonic breadmaker having read about them on here) but even with that, toast is not a breakfast that keeps me going until lunchtime so I'm another porridge person. OH makes it for me and if I don't get him to teach me to make it soon I'll go back to eating rubbish mid-morning while he's away in a few weeks time and that would be bad news as I'm finally shedding some excess pounds. Porridge is part of what works for me. See - we have a lot in common.

If stopping altogether were easy we'd all have just done it without needing any kind of support, AA wouldn't exist, the booze industry would go bust and there would be a lot less violence on a Friday and Saturday night, and A&E would be a relatively calm place to work.

Some people can moderate. My partner can, but very occasionally he ties a good one on (good god, just listen to the way even I talk about booze!) and you know you can moderate most of the time. What I do know is that unless we're 100% commited to being AF it won't work. Only you can decide if you want to go down that road and beating yourself up isn't a constructive way to live, so as your title of this thread suggests, you're on a journey. You're trying different routes to see if some of the other ways of getting to where you want to go work for you. Either way, you went over 60 days without a drink and you know what that felt like so you're in a stronger position than when you started. I'm with you whatever you decide.

Chardonnay

Hi HB, thanks so much for your unwavering support, it really does mean so much to me!


I've edited my post - I think I was baring my soul a bit too much! I have a great life, am ok most of the time. I just think drinking doesn't suit me. I feel very emotional, tearful and tired today and that's one of the reasons I stopped drinking before, as I hated the lows the day after drinking (and this is after only two glasses of wine!)


I know that drinking doesn't suit me any more. I just need to take a bit of time to decide what I'm going to do about it. I agree that I need to be 100% committed to stopping for it to work. I'm not going to try again unless I feel that I can really commit to it. Today I feel that I could never drink again but that's easy to say feeling like I do today.


So I will have think about it and try to work out the path forward.


Thanks again so much for your support! x

Honey_Bear

You're sounding very sensible. Take your time and come to a decision that you know is right for you. Nothing is more energy-sapping than finding out that we can't do something that we honestly believed we could and really wanted to do.

If you decide you want to be totally AF, that's great. If it's too big a commitment for you at the moment, then there's nothing wrong in setting a limit as long as you stick to it, even, and there will be those that think this is utterly, utterly wrong - if it includes getting blitzed say twice a year. It's a lot less than I ever managed and it would have been a real achievement for me that I wish I'd been able to manage, but by the time I stopped - hopelessly unrealistic. It's your life. The most important thing is to be the best that you can at being you and I'm a firm believer in learning through our achievements, not our failures.

And then, when you are absolutely certain you are control of your drinking, if you decide that you want to be in even more control, that will be right for you then - and only then.

Don't forget you've got a great resource in Belle. She's there for you, but she's into total abstinence and that's okay, too.

Chardonnay

Hello! :wave: Feeling a lot brighter today (surprise surprise!) After a lot of thinking, I've realised I need to stop obsessing about this and have come to the decision that I am going to have a drink when I feel like it. I think I need to give moderation one more go and if it becomes clear that's not working, I will be clear in my mind that I really need to stop for good. I just have that doubt at the moment, I'm not 100% committed and the stopping and starting is just making me feel worse and beat myself up.

I would like to focus on living a healthy, balanced life. I am loving my running and that will be coming way before alcohol on my list of priorities - if that starts to slip, I'll know what I need to do. I'm going to carry on meditating, which I have stuck to and which is a way of life now for me. I am hoping that I will get my first counselling appointment through soon which will help enormously and is something I should have done years ago, along with medication. My weight is good at the moment, with all of the exercise, but I would like to eat healthier as well so that's something to focus on.

And lastly - alcohol. I would like to think that I could share the odd bottle of wine over dinner with my husband, have the odd glass of champers or Prosecco or the odd G&T. I don't want to drink at home and I realise after Thursday how low my tolerance is to alcohol now so if I'm going to go out in the week, probably stick to the one glass of wine. If I'm out at the weekend, no more than two drinks. So I plan to have a drink if I fancy it on social occasions or when out for dinner.

I hope that my abstinence has taught me something - we shall see! I won't be drinking today, I'm off to a 5k race and then meeting my cousin for lunch. I am driving and won't be drinking. I've got a bottle of AF wine in the fridge, so may have a couple of glasses of that tonight. Balance, that is what I would like to achieve!

I'm sorry to everyone who has supported me on here. HB, you have helped me more than you know and I really don't want to let you down, but I know that you understand. I will chart my progress on here, but understand if people don't want to subscribe any more as the point of this thread was that I was going AF! I need to keep a record of my drinking though. It's very important to me to be accountable and see in black and white whether this is working or not. Also, it's been lovely chatting with everyone on here and hearing peoples progress!

I'm still reading my Veronica Valli book and will still pop onto Soberistas etc as I have learned so much from these and the inspirational people involved (HB you are included in that!) I'm not just throwing in the towel and saying to hell with it, I see this as a positive step for me.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend and thanks again for you support!

Honey_Bear

Chardonnay, you haven't let anyone down, and certainly not me. You've been honest about what was happening, why it was happening and how it was working for you. I'm staying subscribed and will be very interested to see how the journey carries on.

How could anyone condemn you for going 60+ days AF, taking up a sport, practising meditation, getting help with emotional detritus that's weighing you down and getting on with life? Marvellous stuff. Go with the positives and do it to the best of your ability.

I've tried to do something recently that I desperately wanted to be able to do - and failed. It's been very, very sad (lots of tears etc etc), but at least I had a go. I wish I'd succeeded, but I didn't and I can either let it make me miserable or I can accept I can't do it and just get on with what I can do.

If we don't set ambitious goals for ourselves, how will we ever know what we're truly capable of?

Dansmam

What honeybear said, but without any credit to me for supporting as honeybear has. You've done so much, and it's a journey not a goal. Look forward to your updates as you go on x

Dansmam

Chardonnay, I accidentally just read your first post. Your kidneys my love, are more important than anything. Will remind myself of that for mine. You for yours?

Chardonnay

Honey_Bear wrote: »

Chardonnay, you haven't let anyone down, and certainly not me. You've been honest about what was happening, why it was happening and how it was working for you. I'm staying subscribed and will be very interested to see how the journey carries on.

How could anyone condemn you for going 60+ days AF, taking up a sport, practising meditation, getting help with emotional detritus that's weighing you down and getting on with life? Marvellous stuff. Go with the positives and do it to the best of your ability.

I've tried to do something recently that I desperately wanted to be able to do - and failed. It's been very, very sad (lots of tears etc etc), but at least I had a go. I wish I'd succeeded, but I didn't and I can either let it make me miserable or I can accept I can't do it and just get on with what I can do.

If we don't set ambitious goals for ourselves, how will we ever know what we're truly capable of?

Sorry HB, we must have posted at the same time (your last post) so I missed it!

Thanks so much for understanding and being so encouraging. I'm so glad you are staying subscribed!

You are right, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am in the process of changing the parts of my life which I'm not happy with (most of my life I am very happy with but I know I need to treat myself better physically and mentally). I am pleased that I have finally committed to and kept up the meditation. I think I've been doing it every day for about 7 weeks now and intend to carry on as it's a work in progress. I am also looking forward to getting a counselling appointment (massive waiting list but at least I'm on it now!) I'm pleased I'm making good progress with my running. I just need to find my level with the drinking now.

I'm so so sorry to hear that you didn't succeed in doing what you wanted to do. That makes me really sad. I know that I don't know you in real life but you come across as an amazing person and you deserve the best. You are so strong to be able to follow the AF path as you do. Having been some way along that path myself, it makes me appreciate what it takes even more! I am pleased you have found peace and acceptance that things didn't turn out quite the way you hoped. As you say, at least you had a go and you will always know that you gave it your best, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be?

Thank you again and hope you are having a lovely weekend! x

Chardonnay

Dansmam wrote: »

Chardonnay, I accidentally just read your first post. Your kidneys my love, are more important than anything. Will remind myself of that for mine. You for yours?

Thanks for both of your posts Dansmam! You have supported me too! Everyone on this thread has had their own part to play and it's been great hearing from you all. How are things going for you?

What you say about my kidneys - that is very true. When I was in hospital I hated it and couldn't wait to get out. It made me think that our health is more important than anything. The consultants have always said that drinking in moderation is fine for me. But I haven't drank in moderation in the past - too much binge drinking! It's another huge incentive not to drink to excess for me.

I didn't drink yesterday. I met my cousin for lunch and we both had a large lime and soda (£1 each!) and sat and chatted for over two hours over food. Last night we watched some TV that we'd recorded and I just had a cup of tea. I haven't even opened the AF wine I have in the fridge, which I bought for last weekend. I have so got out of the habit of drinking at home so didn't feel the need to.

I did a 5k fun run yesterday and didn't find it that easy. I could feel the couple of glasses of wine I had on Thursday. I'm not sure it that's psychological but I really don't think so. It's definitely something I need to bear in mind as I'd been feeling so strong with my running and don't want that to slide.

I am finding that I am obsessing less about drinking now that I know that I can have one if I want one. I hope that this will work for me but I know what I'll have do if it doesn't!