No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

MarylandCookie wrote: »

Hi Chardonnay, HB and NTM, so good to hear how you are all doing. Sounds like there have been lots of tough times and challenges for you. Sending you all lots of love.

Nothing much planned for the weekend, cooking, cleaning and chores, oh and a bit of ironing thrown in for good measure :0) living on the edge eh?!

Might even get a quick gym session in.

Have a good weekend everyone xxxxx

Hi MC! Hope you managed to make some time for doing something nice this weekend. Did you make the gym in the end?

You have a great weekend too!

Chardonnay

nannytomany wrote: »

Hi there, glad everyone is doing so well, my daughter is looking at the Alan Carr smoking book, she finds it hard too, would like to have a look at all the book mentioned, will write a list and pop to the library (very MS). One this I have noticed, is that when not drinking I am going to bed about 10.30-11.00 and getting up about 7, done all my ironing, did my daughters yesterday and a friend (who pays me) the day before, and suddenly realised I am feeling so much better, so am going without my bottle of pinot tonight, I'm so glad I found your post, such a great help.

Have a great Saturday, and rest of the weekend to all x

Hello Nannytomany As I said just now, I found the smoking book great. It did take me two reads to really click. The first time I didn't really want to give up and you really do need to want to - it's the same with drinking, as HB says. I think you have to really feel ready and that you really want to stop drinking in order to do it.

So pleased that you're feeling better and enjoying your alcohol free time. Hope you enjoy your Pinot tonight! So pleased that you find this thread a help too!

You have a great Saturday too!

Chardonnay

Honey_Bear wrote: »

I'm really pleased to hear that something helps, NannytoMany and I know Chardonnay would, too. I was thinking about her just now which I why I checked her thread, hoping she's not too wound up about tonight. Fingers crossed it goes well.

The Giving up / Cutting Down thread was an absolute lifesaver for me when I stopped drinking last year, although most people on it choose to limit the number of days a month they drink which works for them. Experience has taught me that doesn't work for me, hence the stopping altogether. I'd still be drinking if I could get away with it but stopping altogether has meant that I find I get more done, sleep better and a load of other good things. Big decision though, and I'd only recommend it if any really, really wants to stop. It's just too tough in the early days, otherwise, and I don't see any point in setting oneself up for failure.

Ah, thank you for thinking of me HB!

Well I am feeling nervous about tonight, probably understandably. But I also feel excited! I woke up at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I had butterflies! That was also partly due to doing parkrun this morning. I always get a bit nervous about that for some reason!

I have bought myself a new dress for tonight. I figure that I deserve it and I'm going to really make an effort with my appearance. I felt so much better about everything yesterday until I started talking to my friend about the night and then felt such a surge of nerves. That's how I feel now really. I feel like I will sort of be exposed, especially with having to sing and hope I'll be able to relax. Saying that, most people will probably have had a drink by the time I sing so won't really care anyway! I do feel quite excited to try something new as well though!

I have planned what to drink - a Red Bull when I get there. I know I said before about the caffeine but I figure it will give me energy for the singing and dancing later and is a lesser evil for me than drinking! Then I think I will probably drink lime and soda, or possibly have a couple of Becks Blue with lime if I feel like it. The good thing about tonight is that there are lots of things to distract from drinking - food, raffle, auction, karaoke, disco. Hopefully that will help as the hardest thing I would find right now is just sitting in a pub with nothing to distract me. My friend's husband is driving too so at least one other person won't be drinking!

I have found the book I'm reading really helpful. Rachel talks about when she first stopped drinking - right before a two week holiday abroad funnily enough! (All inclusive too, which thankfully I don't have to worry about). She said she coped by thinking to herself that she wouldn't drink today, but if she really wanted to drink tomorrow, she would. I am finding that a really good mindset for me. I'm choosing not to drink tonight and it will be a new experience for me. If I don't like it, I can always drink on the next occasion. I've also said to my husband that I don't think I will drink on holiday but if I really want a drink I will have one.

This works for me because as soon as I tell myself I can't drink at events in the future, *Wolfie goes into overdrive and I start to obsess and feel deprived. So I may drink tomorrow, but we all know tomorrow never comes right? Wolfie had a little dig earlier. Dad was coming over tomorrow so as discussed with my husband, I couldn't drink anyway as need to drive home so we're here for dad in the morning. There's no way I'm going to let my dad down, especially at the moment. Now dad's not coming over tomorrow and I had this thought come into my head earlier - "Well you could drink now if you wanted to and stay over". It knocked me for six to be honest, but then I thought of how awful I'd feel if I drank both mentally and physically and told Wolfie to do one.

So, wish me luck for Day 42 and my trickiest test yet! Am off for a nice long bath now and to start my pampering and preparations Will report in tomorrow. Hope you're all having a lovely weekend!

* For those who haven't heard of Belle's 100 day challenge, Wolfie is how she explains that self-sabotaging voice in your head that tries to convince you to drink. I thought I'd best explain that Wolfie is not a real person or animal

MarylandCookie_2

Hi Chardonny, hope last night went well, how were your nerves? I hope your feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed and super proud of yourself this morning.

Have a lovely day xxxx

Honey_Bear

Morning Chardonnay. Just checking - I was thinking about you, hoping to hear how last night went.

Chardonnay

Hello both! Thanks for looking in on me!

I am pleased to say that last night went brilliantly! I can honestly say that despite lots of obsessing yesterday, once I got to the venue I didn't feel tempted to drink at all!

I ordered a Red Bull when we first got there, much to my friend's OH's shock, who was ordering the drinks. I explained that I was driving. They didn't have any Red Bull so I had a Becks Blue with lime. I must have had 6 or 7 throughout the night and have to say they really hit the spot! That will definitely be my drink on a night out now!

I felt slightly self conscious but that feeling only lasted a few minutes. I was worried that I'd be too stiff to dance with not having a drink but as soon as I the music started, I felt myself dancing on the spot and was shocked when I remembered I wasn't drinking! I was put on the spot to sing very early in the night, but to be honest that was probably a good thing as I got it out of the way early on. It was so nerve wracking singing in front of a room full of people, a lot of whom I didn't know and I was shaking like a leaf, but I did it and it seemed to go down well! I later sang another song with a friend and then my friend put me down for another one and I sang on my own and this time I really enjoyed it and didn't feel nervous at all! I felt in control of my voice and probably sang better than I would when drunk.

Lots of people were drunk, including OH. Lots of people told me they loved me I've always been an affectionate drunk too! OH was extremely drunk but that's OK as it's a very rare occurrence and he had a great time. I danced and chatted and can honestly say that I had just as good, or maybe even better time than I would if I'd have been drinking! By midnight though, people were leaving, I was tired and wanted to go home. I had great trouble getting OH to leave and we ended up being one of the last out at 12.45 am. OH slept and hiccuped all the way home in the car, then I had trouble getting him out of the car (he said he'd just sleep there), then nearly fell down the stairs going up to bed!

I am very tired today as didn't get to bed until 2am (3am with the clocks going forward!) but I feel so very proud of myself. I really don't want to sound like a smug ex drinker, I've got absolutely no problem with other people drinking at all. But for me, seeing the state people got into, especially OH is scary. It makes you realise what excess alcohol does to you. In the past I would have been just like that too, and would have been the last to leave and trying to make the party go on as long as possible so I could carry on drinking. Instead, I sat eating birthday cake at the end of the night, rather than drinking. That wouldn't have happened before! Oh and I won a huge box of chocolates on the raffle. There were lots of prizes to choose from, including champagne etc. In the past it would have been unthinkable not to choose alcohol but I just automatically knew that I'd have no use for it.

My best friend called me this morning and said that her and her OH thought how well I looked and that not drinking obviously suits me and I should carry on doing what I'm doing I really don't feel that anything will ever be such a challenge for my non-drinking status as that night was and I'm so pleased to have overcome it. I sang sober in front of a room full of strangers, I really feel that I can do anything now, it's never going to be as hard as that again! And what's more, I had a great night! I wasn't just willing the night to end. It has really opened my eyes to how life can be. I know that there will still be challenges ahead but it's given me confidence that I can still have a great (hopefully better) life and not drink.

It also hit me that I'm not that teenager any more who first started drinking to calm my nerves and give me confidence. I'm a confident 45 year old woman now, with a lot of life experience behind me and I don't need the booze, I really don't.

Anyway, sorry to waffle on but on a bit of a high today! Hope everyone's having a great weekend! :cool:

Dansmam

:TYay - fantastic, no wonder you're on a high!:T

Honey_Bear

I am so pleased for you! Now that the event you were dreading as a non-drinker has happened, it should be possible to see you way forward without dreading big events. It helps hugely, I think, to have that evening to look back on because you absolutely know you can enjoy yourself without having a drink. That's a very, very important piece of information, and hard won.

And you're absolutely right about realising that was the state we ex-drinkers used to be in after a good night out. I'm hugely relieved I don't envisage doing that again, but I also know that I'm just one sip away from it.

Well done!

nannytomany

Well done, so glad you enjoyed yourself and got up to sing a few times, its amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it, it sounded wonderful, and to think no hangover or alcohol related tiredness, and grogginess as you say once have done this you can do anything. xx

ps forgot to say thanks to Honey Bear for the "hugs" a page back, will look for you diary too x

Chardonnay

Thanks you all! Your support is so important to me and has really helped! :T

Thanks Dansmam, I have been on a high!

That's so true HB. I have that event as a marker now. It will no longer be the fear of the unknown because I know I can do it now and still have a great time! It was always going to be a good night really because the company was great and there was lots of entertainment. Some nights probably won't be so much fun but that's because they would have been a bit boring anyway and I would be drinking to try to make them less so. They're the nights on which I'll make my excuses and try to escape early I think!

Yes getting in that state was the norm for me really, but seeing it with sober eyes really made me think. OH couldn't even speak properly and I've been like that in the past. Scary that alcohol can render you so helpless really. He has said to me today that he isn't drinking like that again, which I am pleased about. I'm not anti drinking at all, and will say again I will never try and impose my will on anyone else. I'm almost going out of my way to stress that others must do what's right for them. But the fact that he's come to that decision on his own is a good thing. Although of course we have all made that statement about not drinking like that again many times, with OH I don't think he will as I've always had more of a problem with drink than him and he can usually take it or leave it.

Thanks nannytomany, it really is amazing what we can do when we put our mind to something. I thought that I was so reliant on alcohol that I would never be able to do something like sing sober. How wrong was I, and it took just trying it that one time to find out! I was shattered yesterday but none of the shaky, heart racing, anxious, panicky and depressed feelings that I used to get with a hangover, and an enormous sense of pride

I had an email off Belle last night. There is finally a space for me on the 100 day challenge! I am proud to have got to day 44 without it but this will certainly give me a great boost. I'm still devouring Rachel Black's book and trying not to read it too quickly as I don't want it to end! I would recommend it to anyone who is considering stopping drinking - it's really helped to strengthen my resolve.

Happy Monday all!