wife swapping.....

pukkamum

Lured you in with a racy title!
Basically this is a question about role swapping within the home.
At the moment I am a STAHM, have been pretty much for 13 years. My youngest starts school in September and although not financially necessary the plan was that i return to work part-time (I am a level 3 Teaching Assistant).
My husband works shifts at a job he despises, the shifts are killing him, he is exhausted de-moralised and miserable.
I have been through our finances and since securing a mortgage at less than we were paying rent and clearing the small debts we had we have a large amount left over each month.
I have suggested to my husband that he leaves his job and takes over the running of the house and I will work full time.
Obviously he is very keen for this to happen but I have a few reservations, some I know are selfish and some because of my cough cough slightly controlling nature and some realistic.
1. When this should happen.
Initially we thought September when lo goes to school but I know my husband would love to spend the remaining time she has at home with her having missed out with the others.
However after 3 years of very hard work with her I am finally really enjoying her and knowing it's the last time I will do it has made it extra special for me.
The other 2 got full time mum til they went to school.
I will miss her.
2. My husband is very laid back, he has never once complained about housework not done etc etc.
I on the other hand will struggle to bite my tongue if I get home from work and walk into a tip, hypocritical I know.
3. Worried about what will happen to his job prospects if he has an extended period of time off, I have my qualifications and with a bit of voluntary school sessions can easily get back into work. He on the other hand has none apart from his FLT licences which I assume have an expiry.
4. At the moment with his shifts we spend a lot of evenings and nights apart which I confess I really enjoy, I like my own company but also at the end of the week really miss him and look forward to having the weekend together.
Worried how this will affect our extremely good relationship.
3. Money. I have full control of the finances as he has always been a bit of a spender, if i tell him I want to keep control of the finances will he see it as not trusting him?
4. I love being a SAHM and whilst I was happy to do part time not sure how full time will feel. When we were talking about it I was getting teary eyed at the thought of missing school assemblies art dasys etc.

If anyone has done this or has any advice, cautionary tales etc would love to hear them.
Fell free to say don't be so pathetic woman!

pukkamum

P.s Husband has asked if it's him being at home with all the kids at school that is bothering me and I think it might be, gosh that sounds terrible as he was happy for me to do it.

atolaas

There's nothing to stop him looking into a career change. Is there a different career he's been considering?

SailorSam

I went to one of those parties once where we all threw our keys into a hat, i've never been very lucky. I got my own keys back.

pukkamum

This is the thing, he has this thinking that all he is good for is manual labour in factories, something he has done since leaving school at 16 and finds mind numbingly boring, as his mum convinced him the college course he wanted to do and had a place on was 'out of his reach' and 'pointless!
I've told him I would really like him to use the time to do a college course or get experience in other things, He is great with kids and teens and I think he would thrive in a secondary school position, perhaps doing a similar thing to me but he convinces himself he couldn't do it.
My biggest worry i think is him just sitting at home with no plan in place.
Having said if the finances add up and he doesn't need financially to work should he be made to feel he has to, personally I think the house will run better with one of us at home at least part time.

Mojisola

pukkamum wrote: »

This is the thing, he has this thinking that all he is good for is manual labour in factories,

I've told him I would really like him to use the time to do a college course or get experience in other things, He is great with kids and teens and I think he would thrive in a secondary school position, perhaps doing a similar thing to me but he convinces himself he couldn't do it.

Once he's been home for a while, you can point out that the skills he is using to manage the house and kids are just what's needed for a range of jobs.

FatVonD

pukkamum wrote: »

P.s Husband has asked if it's him being at home with all the kids at school that is bothering me and I think it might be, gosh that sounds terrible as he was happy for me to do it.

It would bother me!

College sounds a good idea but if he doesn't do that then he needs to look for another job, it sounds like your job will already fit around school holidays etc. so you don't him at home.

LannieDuck

I think if it's something he wants to do, he should be given the chance before your children are all grown up.

My husband was a SAHD with my oldest, and I've been a SAHM since my youngest was born. When I go back we're going to see if we can both do part-time so we both spend a day a week with the children while they're still little.

You say yourself how much you've enjoyed being at home with your kids - if it's something your husband wants to do as well, i think you should give him the chance. Your children are only little once.

Alchemilla

I wonder if there are suitable half measures?

You both work part time mirror shifts?

Tigsteroonie

Marley is a SAHD, I returned to work when littl'un was a year old. Even though littl'un is now in school, there are so many daytime medical appointments and occasional "pick him up early, he's poorly" calls that it is still worthwhile having Marley at home. I have a career, he was in manual work, so my income now is higher.

I did wonder whether housekeeping would be up to my standard, but I was comparing it against the standard for when I was hoome full-time - the standard for me as a working mum is not quite as pristine! I still do some of the cleaning at the weekend but the majority is done by Marley together with all of the weekday cooking.

Finances have stayed with me but that is because of our comparative ability with maths. We manage one evening apart a week for "space", Friday evening I will spend slobbing out and catching up with the soap operas while he goes to his brother's place to watch horror movies and play on the PS4.

eta. It's not unusual in my family, my own brother has always been SAHD for nearly 20 years!!

pleasedelete

You cant keep a family on a TA salary. Where will the rest of the money that you will need come from?