The single track road - life on a different path

liltdiddylilt

Hey you - I don't think it will make it! She's having her bloodwork done tomorrow and the actual chemo on Thursday first thing! What a pig but it is my fault, should have asked sooner!

I'm sorry your weekend was ruined by a horrifying child. I'm not a fan of children who just do as they please with parents who let them get away with it. Jellytot is at the critical point where my threats are actually getting through and being processed by her brain. Cause and effect... As such, she is a delight right now, because whereas previously she would have picked something up and launched it in a strop.. she now holds it over her head to throw it and I say 'If you throw that, you are going to bed/not having a custard pot/not having any Peppa Pig tonight...' and she knows what I mean. But, luckily for me.. she has not yet got to the point that I did very quickly as a child (and still as an adult) which is 'fook it, I'm going to do it anyway' square in the knowledge that the consequences will hit anyway and not giving a toss either way. It isn't a nice way to be so I do hope that she doesn't go that route. :rotfl: Although it has got me through some tough times.

I am glad that Him is being supportive, although the fact that he isn't around enough to be that supportive all the time is a bit of a pain. I know precisely why you are protecting yourself sweetheart. You know, there are other people around you who would take all the jibberjabber, ranting, tears and weird monologues happily all week long. Especially if it made for a happier weekend for you.

Big hugs, lots of love. xxx

MeandO

Oh just a quick reply Lilty to say it's all done and packed, but I've lost the bloomin address! Can you text/message/pm me it pretty please and I'll post it first class tomorrow xx

MeandO

loopybecs wrote: »

Lol!! He's very intelligent, which sucks for you :rotfl: I remember my dad once telling me that brussel sprouts tastes of Smarties... I was horrified when I actually ate one!! :rotfl:

I'm feeling a tiny bit better than I did last week thank you. I had a few days where I was feeling extremely low, but I don't feel so bad today. I don't think the anti-ds are working but I'm seeing my GP and HV on Wednesday, so will tell them about it then. I hate feeling like this, I'm normally a bubbly happy person x

Oh Becs, I had a feeling you weren't feeling so good as you'd not been around for a while. I hope you get on well at the doc's, make sure you tell them exactly how you're feeling honey, you've done the hardest bit in going the first time, so this time it should be a doddle.

Let me know how you get on. Xx

I totally understand how you feel. I don't feel like myself at all with all the stress, anxiety and worry of the past few years and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be that happy and confident person again that I once was. I'm working towards it though, like you are, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Things will get better lovely and we'll both get there. Always here for a PM if you need someone to rant/moan/scream at.

Xx

System

Aww thank you so much sweetie, you're so lovely, as is everyone here, I love this place I'm silly really as I tend to not post when I'm feeling particularly low, but actually everyone here is so supportive and would no doubt pick me back up! I hate feeling like a burden though.

I have every bit of faith that you will get yourself back to your happy place again. Your life has taken a complete change in direction, but it will settle, and you will learn to enjoy this new path You are welcome to PM me any time too xxx

MeandO

I've had to dislocate my foot from my leg just to give myself a good kick up the backside to find the motivation to get things done tonight :rotfl:

I've finished and packed all the outstanding orders; thrown a low fat mushroom stroganoff I the slow cooker for tomorrow's dinner & a portion to freeze; made lunches for tomorrow and logged all tomorrow's food on nutracheck; charged my fitbi and cut up the new tesco cc that arrived over the weekend as well as the 1 cc I have money outstanding on. I need to cancel the cleared tesco and barclaycard credit card accounts now that they are paid off, I hate having lots of credit lines open, it's too messy!
Santander has part of the debt outstanding on it, but the card is cut up and it's at 0%, so I'm working on that one.

Opened my laptop tonight to find that Him had hidden £30 in there for me to cover a few bits I picked up at the weekend, bless him. I've put £25 of it in the moneybox I have which is acting as my 'extra payment' savings. I was hoping to make it a mortgage overpayment pot, but have decided to throw it at the debt first before tackling the mortgage. The other £5 has gone in my purse - I owe £1.10 at work and the change will then go in the money box too.

I also chased the ever ongoing energy switch today, which looks like it's failing again. I've asked them to get back to me about it, failing that I'll have to switch to a company that aren't the cheapest but at least everything will be in one place and I can get a dual fuel tariff.

Spoke to Him tonight who, despite being up since 2.45am this morning to leave for work and being full of cold, was desperately trying to stay awake to chat to me tonight and make sure I was ok. :heart2:

Sleep for me now, hopefully, although Ds seems unsettled again, so not sure how much I'll be getting. I did have a chat with him before bed though to say, 'if cuddly toy X, Y or Z falls out of bed tonight, we'll get him in the morning, please don't shout to wake mummy to come and find him! AND I also had to remind him that it is never ever too dark outside to get to sleep... Saturday night's excuse! He's not afraid of the dark, apparently he just decided that he couldn't see to get to sleep!!!!

Night all
X

MeandO

loopybecs wrote: »

Aww thank you so much sweetie, you're so lovely, as is everyone here, I love this place I'm silly really as I tend to not post when I'm feeling particularly low, but actually everyone here is so supportive and would no doubt pick me back up! I hate feeling like a burden though.

I have every bit of faith that you will get yourself back to your happy place again. Your life has taken a complete change in direction, but it will settle, and you will learn to enjoy this new path You are welcome to PM me any time too xxx

You're no burden Hun, don't ever think that, it's always lovely to hear from you, whether you're feeling great or feeling pants!

I'm the same, I go AWOL when I am down, I don't feel like I have a lot to say, but it does help being here.

I don't know if it will help you, but something the doctor said to me last week struck a chord with me. We were sat in his little room and he pointed to the door and said that to some people there are monsters and dragons outside that door. They're really there and if they open it, bad things will happen. He said, that they sit in the chair inside this room, terrified of what is behind that door.

Then he said, to some people, there are rainbows and fluffy clouds (and to Lilty, unicorns ) outside of that door.

He said that it doesn't even matter what is behind that door and I shouldn't even be thinking about what is there. All I need to concentrate on is the here and now inside the four walls of that room.
We can't change what was outside the door and if I focus on what was important - the things right in front of me now that I have influence over, then the rest will become easier to deal with. Basically, don't worry about what you can't change... And that is how the people who see the fluffy things think. Apparently.

Ok, so I'm terrible with explanations, but I hope that kinda makes sense!

It's all about mindfulness - a quick google on the nhs website makes a really interesting read, it may help. X

liltdiddylilt

I am a see-er of monsters and dragons you know. I choose to hope and believe over and above those things that there is a unicorn waiting for me instead, or at the very least behind a couple of little dragons...

Mindfulness
Mind over matter
Bloody stubbornness
Sheer willpower

Whatever it takes to believe that theres unicorns.

But do you know what works best of all?

Seeing the Unicorn inside yourself. Carrying it with you. I am my own bloody unicorn because as far back as I can remember no one else has presented me with one. You, Me&O & you Becs are two of the strongest, kindest, most generous hearted and caring people I've come to know. And all that is the matter is that being that kind and generous opens you up to all corners of this earth, good and bad. You're soft. And soft is good. I'm pretty sure that makes both of you mythical beings.

Lots of love. xxx

System

What your doctor said definitely makes sense MeandO. It's a good way of thinking and I know I need to train my brain into thinking that way.

My HV suggested that I write a worry list, as I love lists, and once I write my worry on there then it's like it has left my mind and gone onto the piece of paper. I haven't tried it yet, mainly because I keep forgetting If I start it now it will be 50 lines long in about an hour!

I hope that you and O slept ok last night. You had a very busy evening!! Bless Him for waiting up to speak to you, and for leaving you some money, what a sweetheart

Lilty :smileyhea you made me shed a tear there!! You're so good with words By the way I thought of you the other day as one of my new pairs of socks has a quote about unicorns on them!! xxx

MeandO

Lilty you made me cry too.
At my desk.
Into my tea.
First cuppa of the day and all...

Thank you for the lovely post though. Methinks I need to print a new cushion... 'be your own unicorn' lol.

Joking aside, you are so good at explaining things Lilty, everything makes sense when you say it.

Yeah, I'm soft, without a doubt! Him is always telling me so too.
I'll do anything for anyone (well, most people, not the nasty ones though! ) but have no regard for myself - there lies the trouble I guess. It's very hard to make yourself change though.

Ooh, I quite like being a mythical being though:D... is that like mermaids too? I'm not sure about the fishy tail, fish creep me right out. Although I wouldn't mind the figure.... top bit, not the bottom bit. :rotfl:

MeandO

I like the idea of the list Becs, I like lists too - when I remember to make them - I find they keep me focused. I have an ongoing list presently which I've left out on the kitchen worktop. I add stuff as I think of things I would like to get done and cross them off as I do them. It's working well so far.

I slept a little better last night thanks, (fitbit says 6h 19m of sleep, 131m restless). Can't say I feel rested though, but not entirely sure what that feels like anymore so I probably wouldn't know!

But, I had an extremely vivid dream just before I woke up this morning...

I was in the house where I grew up (my parent's house, but they weren't there) in the middle of a load of little stressful situations - Him's daughter was kicking off, I was late for work, the house was filthy - nothing major but lots going on at once, then my Grandad turned up at the back door, happy and smiling. He didn't say anything, but held his arms out and hugged me tight and I was so happy. He seemed so big and strong and I was looking at him and could see every detail of his face so clearly and so vividly. I was aware I was dreaming but was thinking how wonderful it is to see him again, looking so well and so happy.

I should say, my Grandad died when I was 17, but it feels like yesterday. I was extremely close to him and still miss him terribly to this day, as does all my family. He had alzheimer's for a few years before he died and it was just awful.

Strangely, on Friday morning when I was out in the garden, I was super-tired, a bit upset about everything and really struggling to build O's pirate ship on my own and was just about to give up. For some reason I just looked up at the sky and asked my Grandad for some help before getting on with it.

I'm hoping it is some sort of sign from him to say everything's going to be ok. I've only dreamt of him once or twice since he died and never actually 'seen' him in a dream before, was just aware of his presence. I feel very comforted by it anyway.

:heart2: