The single track road - life on a different path

liltdiddylilt

They truly are... Tell me about the shop. I've got £400+ left of my bonus you know.. and an empty credit card :rotfl:

I really wish I could just come for coffee and cake and sit on your mega chairs

I did see it!! I know exactly what you mean!! And I hate their voices and their new eyes!! :rotfl: - then again I also detest the new version of so many things I used to watch when I was a kid. They have even pimped out bob the builder. And what the heck is Postman Pat doing with a mobile phone?! Special delivery service... :mad: the real postmen don't even do that! :rotfl: xx

MeandO

Hmm, would it be irresponsible of me to tell you?

I would want no comeback for imminent disappearance of bonus or thrashing of credit card, mind...

Don't get me started on postman pat... a helicopter and a 4x4 and he still only just manages to deliver one parcel a day. Bring back the cotton wall ball sheep I say...

liltdiddylilt

Only as irresponsible as showing me your shop, and look how that worked out for us both hmm?

Comeback.. only to say thank you. I still keep beaming when I see my cushions! and stroking them. And no one must lean on them :rotfl:

PMSL - yes.. in that sense he is just like my postman :rotfl:

Levi-

Sorry to join in and actually make it sound like I know things about My Little Pony.. but what in the actual HECK are those new half human/half pony monstrosities now?? They look really seedy and are disturbing on so many levels! (Honestly, I have a 5 year old niece and this is the ONLY reason I know about this :P) She was telling me about a toy she had of one when I visited and I think I uttered something disparaging about My Little Ponies not being like that "in my day"

MeandO- the chairs are awesome.. I'm a sucker for anything colourful and love multi-colour combos put together in unique ways.. I have a really nice "piece".. (really can't think of what to even call it) but it's a piece of furniture that has 4 drawers and each drawer is a different vibrant colour, it truly rocks. And then there is my zebra which you have also seen

Love 'em - and happy they have helped to cheer you up Awesome pics of the cake and the O-monster! CUTE. But why isn't he ginger LIKE YOU? :rotfl:
laters :heart2: Levi ..x

MeandO

Five year old niece, my &rse! We can all see through your thinly veiled excuses Mr! :rotfl:
But I agree, they are very disturbing. They have literally sexed them up, it's awful. At least the new care bears are still 'doing good for bearkind' kinda thing, although they do seem to have developed quite a fleet of cars, rockets, spaceships and burts into cheesy pop songs waaaayyy too much.

I'm 35, are we really having this conversation? lol. :eek:

Thank you for reveling in the awesomeness that is my new chairs Levi, I'm stupidly excited to get them TOMORROW.
And I NEED to see this amazing set of drawers of which you speak. Photo pretty please

Yep, the guy I bought them from was a little surprised I bought all different colours, and said 'usually people buy them all in one colour, white is popular', are you sure you don't want a matching set? My reponse: well your 'usual' people are very boring then aren't they?!

As for your last comment you cheeky moose:p, I was in fact a blondie like him until I reached my early 20s, then I moved to Wales, never saw much sun again and it turned darker almost overnight! NOT ginger I may add... although there is a slight sparkly copper undertone when it's sunny...:o

MeandO

So, I spent most of last night putting furniture together and blinds up at the ex's house, I only managed to snap three drill bits and put the screwdriver through my thumb once, so quite a successful night really.

He is planning on moving out this weekend. I think O will take it very badly. He is already saying he will miss Daddy when he goes and his behaviour has been worse than normal these past few weeks, so I'm sure it's affecting him already.
Last night, I was sat on the floor in the ex's house putting the furniture together, and I couldn't help getting upset.
Never in a million years did I think this is how my life would turn out. I come from parents who have been together since they were at school and are absolute soul mates, I never thought I would be getting divorced. I still wonder if maybe we should've tried harder to save it and I guess I always will. I just feel so much guilt that we, or rather I, because I initiated this split, have ruined my son's life and robbed him of a normal family life. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Anyway, I stopped in Mr T's on the way to work this morning and picked up lots of fruit, veg, noodles and some spices, spent just over £13. My diet has been terrible lately and I'm feeling the effects of it, so time to start looking after myself a bit better I think. I will be getting back to the gym once the ex has moved out too, on the nights Ds is staying with his dad.

I also updated YNAB a couple of nights ago, ready to start it properly on payday (25th), only a week to go, not that I'm counting or anything.

Enough from me for now, I'm only getting myself upset. When the keyboard goes blurry I know it's time to stop thinking about things and concentrate on something else.

Have a lovely day all of you
xx

Levi-

Yeah but just think.... things have come to this point for very valid reasons and wasn't a decision you two came to lightly, so try and remind yourself of those reasons and why in the longterm, what you're doing is best for you both, and for O. You have made it as near perfect as it could be compared to most other situations like this in that O has had loads of time to prepare AND his daddy will only be round the corner and see him very very often. It will suck for both of you because it's the transition, but I'm pretty sure that once the dust settles of him moving out and you both finding your own groove with that, and O getting used to it - everything will feel so much better.

And also, nothing is ever set in stone. I've known a few couples that separated but decided a few years down the track to give it another go, so you don't have to write everything off entirely (unless you want to) as anything can happen and maybe even the space and distance will bring something back to the relationship that you suddenly decide you can't be without it. I'm not sure how it will unfold but what I am sure of, is that for now, you are doing the best thing, in a well evaluated and careful way that puts yours son as the priority which is the best any parent can ever do, in such a difficult circumstance.

Roll with it a little.. let O go through it too.. distract him where needed but show him that daddy is right around the corner all the time and its WAY cool because he now has 2 houses and 2 bedrooms, etc

Don't beat yourself up. Life never turns out the way we think for any of us .. (trust me on that!) but it always has an opportunity to improve and I do think that the outcome would be worse long term if you guys forced things and continued a downward spiral - it would be way worse than what you're doing, for both of you, and for O. So..........that's all I have for now..
Chin up chicken! :cool: :heart2:
(PS I'll show you my drawers later:rotfl:)

MeandO

Promises promises lol! :rotfl::rotfl:

Thanks Levi, deep down I know it is the right thing, I just wish it didn't involve hurting a little person we both adore so much.

The ex and I had a chat this morning about O and how he is struggling with it all, so we have decided we'll have a 'new house' party at the weekend, just the 3 of us, with a cake which O can choose, some party food and balloons etc. I hope it will help him to see it as a vaguely happy day.

Hurumph <<<<< that's how I feel today.

liltdiddylilt

Am going to tell you what happened when the fabled health visitor in my very first diary post came to visit.

She walked in, and gave me a hug. I had never met this woman in my life and she just hugged me right there in my hallway. She said 'How are you doing? There is a lot on your plate at the moment.' and I burst into tears.

We went and sat down and I explained the situation in a bit more detail and said that I was worried about Ellie's mental wellbeing and the way she would deal with it being so young. I thought it would cause her serious issues.

The HV said to me 'I only came to see you. This won't affect her as much as you think and within a few weeks/months she will have got completely used to the new routine and will just accept it. Because children do. Any negative feelings she will have, will be picked up from you. So write a list of all the positives. Would you really want her growing up in a house and seeing a relationship play out that is only being held together for her sake? How do you think that would affect her later in life. You are doing the absolute best thing for your child by first and foremost ensuring that her parents are happy. It is going to take some time, but you will get through this, and as you do, so will she. She will pick up your emotions so you need to take the time to build yourself back up, in order to help her. See someone, a counsellor, to talk it over and let it go. But most of all stop worrying about her. She is a child and they are very simplistic. Whatever you tell her she will accept as fact and the same goes for changes in living arrangements'

It was definitely what I needed to hear, and from someone living a disjointed lifestyle where daddy is only there 3 days per week, please know that Jelly had a few months where her sleeping pattern was disrupted, and she pushed her boundaries a bit, but when she figured out that this was how it was going to be.. she settled down. She is fine. Happy, healthy. She gets the best out of both of her parents this way. And she sees us much happier for how we are now. What is bad in that? So it might not be the way everyone else does it.. It is a lot better than some alternatives, and the same goes for you.

Please stop beating yourself up over this. What makes you happy, will make him happy.

Huge hugs. I know what you are feeling down to the very last trace of guilt and self doubt. It isn't nice. But please think of the alternatives for O. Would you rather he saw that mummy and daddy are better off living apart but are still friends and I still get everything I want/need. Or that he lived in a house where eventually arguments and nastiness took over from friendship and love?

And remind him of the good things. Double presents. Two birthday celebrations if he is lucky. Extended Christmases and all of the other stuff that kids enjoy.. doubled.

Chin up. Sending you my very hardest mental hugs. Hope you can feel it. xxx

PiggyBankShaker

MeandO wrote: »

because I initiated this split, have ruined my son's life and robbed him of a normal family life.

Dear MeandO,

I've been lurking for a while (not in a creepy way, promise!) and decided that now was a good enough time to jump in and say 'hi', so 'hi'!

I think it's really important that you try and understand that you are NOT ruining your son's life. I say this as someone who has spent about five years coming to terms with the fact that my mental illness is not ruining my children's lives as I feared it was. My counsellor has been brilliant in getting my past those fears, and I'll try and explain some of the things she has told me.

1) Parental fear for their children is a normal evolutionary process. It is what parents are programmed to do. As 'cavemen' (or whatever) fear that our children were going to get eaten by bears was healthy, and it served kept our children safe. However, in today's society, there is little risk that our children will get eaten by bears (hopefully) but we are still on 'alert' for dangers to our children. When few or none exist in the physical world, we transfer our fear down to the next level, and into the emotional world. In evolutionary terms, giving energy to worrying about emotional stuff would be a luxury as they (cavemen) would be so busy 'surviving'.

2) As parents we see it is as our job to give our children the damn nearest possible perfect life that we can, and if we 'fail' at that then all consequent emotional 'issues' that our children encounter for the rest of their lives will be our fault! This is simply not true and it overlooks the 'growth imperative' that all children have. They are programmed to take the maximum benefit from each relationship / situation / experience / meal etc that they possibly can. Ever experience helps them to earn and grow and it is only us adults, with our wider view of the world, that weighs these relationships / situations / experiences on a scale of good vs medicore vs bad. It's reason why, to a children, jumping in puddles is as fun as grooming or horse or going on a train or visiting DisneyLand. They have no 'scale' they way adults do. They will enjoy each one to the max, because that is what children are programmed to to.

This is important for O, and I think your idea of a party is just what is needed - which show's that your instincts are spot on. His Daddy getting a new house could be great fun for him; two bedrooms! Two! Wow, that's exciting. Sleepovers with his Daddy, wow that sounds so cool. Two CHRISTMASES! Amazing! He's so lucky! At four years old, he is totally young enough to normalise this, and to get emotional benefit from it. If you keep showing him that you both love him, then when his natural fear of the unknown (again, evolutionarily normal) is assuaged, he will be fine. Totally fine.

3) And this is a biggy. The most important thing for O, is that YOU are happy. Children are programmed to know how their parents are feeling, it's as easy as looking at the weather for them. If you are secretly unhappy / guilty / worried that this breakup will have a negative effect on O, he will pick up on it, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You DESERVE to be happy. You have made difficult choices and kept your son's welfare at the centre of each of them. So give yourself credit for that. Join GingerBread and meet other single parents who successfully parent alone and who have fantastically rounded and brilliant kids and keep reminding yourself that THIS IS NORMAL. Normal is whatever the hell you say it is, and if you believe it, so will O. If you're happy, so will O be happy.

It's hard, super hard, but stop worrying about him, and he will be fine.

I didn't intend for this to sound like a lecture and if it comes across that way I'm sorry. I've come to realise that 99.9% of mums (and dads) are actually super brilliant and it is only 0.01% of parents that are so crap that it has a lasting impact on their children. And by crap I mean neglect or abuse their children. But through mass media etc the 99.9% of us feel like we are the 0.01% if we are not constantly worried about our children 24 hours a day. So I get a bit 'shouty' about this because it's simply not fair on us. We are good parents, and if no one tells us then we have to tell ourselves. Everyday.

Keep up the good work MeandO. You are obviously a great Mum. O is obviously a great kid. Enjoy each other.

PBS