The single track road - life on a different path

MeandO

PBS, lovely to 'meet' you.

I can't thank you enough for your post.

I've just read and re-read it a few times so that it sinks in. I will probably read it again in ten minutes too. In fact, I'm going to cut and paste it and print it out if you don't mind. It is really helpful and I think the ex could do with reading it too as he is suffering the same guilt and fears for our little boy. He blames himself a lot too for the whole situation.

You make a lot of sense and the psychology behind your reasoning really does make something 'click' in my head. If someone tells me something, I don't believe it, but if they can back it up with an explanation then I'm happy to accept it.

As for number 2) - this is so true with O, ad he tends to get the most joy out of the simplest things. For example, we took him to Legoland last year, but the bit he loved and talks about most is staying in the hotel in the 'boys room' with his Dad (whilst I was stuck in a room on my own up the corridor!).
I really need to focus on this I think and try and make lost of fun times and good memories of us doing simple things together. I try and we paint and play playdough and splash in puddles together etc, but I'm pretty sure he can tell my heart's not been in anything much lately.

As for number 3, I'm going to try and make this start from today. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do and it's about time I started focusing on the positives and not the negatives isn't it. I owe it to O, and myself.
I need to drop the guilt and the stress-head I seem to go home with daily and start enjoying the little things in life more.

I shall be re-reading your post regularly if that's ok with you, just so everything makes a little more sense to me when I'm in a negative mood and the guilt takes over.

It didn't come across as a lecture at all, you have made so much sense to me and I really do feel like something's clicked. Thank you and please stick around

much love
MeandO
x

MeandO

liltdiddylilt wrote: »

Am going to tell you what happened when the fabled health visitor in my very first diary post came to visit.

She walked in, and gave me a hug. I had never met this woman in my life and she just hugged me right there in my hallway. She said 'How are you doing? There is a lot on your plate at the moment.' and I burst into tears.

We went and sat down and I explained the situation in a bit more detail and said that I was worried about Ellie's mental wellbeing and the way she would deal with it being so young. I thought it would cause her serious issues.

The HV said to me 'I only came to see you. This won't affect her as much as you think and within a few weeks/months she will have got completely used to the new routine and will just accept it. Because children do. Any negative feelings she will have, will be picked up from you. So write a list of all the positives. Would you really want her growing up in a house and seeing a relationship play out that is only being held together for her sake? How do you think that would affect her later in life. You are doing the absolute best thing for your child by first and foremost ensuring that her parents are happy. It is going to take some time, but you will get through this, and as you do, so will she. She will pick up your emotions so you need to take the time to build yourself back up, in order to help her. See someone, a counsellor, to talk it over and let it go. But most of all stop worrying about her. She is a child and they are very simplistic. Whatever you tell her she will accept as fact and the same goes for changes in living arrangements'

It was definitely what I needed to hear, and from someone living a disjointed lifestyle where daddy is only there 3 days per week, please know that Jelly had a few months where her sleeping pattern was disrupted, and she pushed her boundaries a bit, but when she figured out that this was how it was going to be.. she settled down. She is fine. Happy, healthy. She gets the best out of both of her parents this way. And she sees us much happier for how we are now. What is bad in that? So it might not be the way everyone else does it.. It is a lot better than some alternatives, and the same goes for you.

Please stop beating yourself up over this. What makes you happy, will make him happy.

Huge hugs. I know what you are feeling down to the very last trace of guilt and self doubt. It isn't nice. But please think of the alternatives for O. Would you rather he saw that mummy and daddy are better off living apart but are still friends and I still get everything I want/need. Or that he lived in a house where eventually arguments and nastiness took over from friendship and love?

And remind him of the good things. Double presents. Two birthday celebrations if he is lucky. Extended Christmases and all of the other stuff that kids enjoy.. doubled.

Chin up. Sending you my very hardest mental hugs. Hope you can feel it. xxx

Lilty, my lovely cheerleader as ever.

Everything you say makes sense and you're lucky to have found such a wonderful health visitor, she sounds amazing. I only wish mine had been half as good, I got one who really was in the wrong job and just wanted to 'tick boxes'.

Between yourself and PBS, you've really made me think and I can see that O's behaviour lately is obviously a reaction to the moods that both the ex and I have been emitting around him recently. This shall change today! No more grumps and sadness. I am a terrible negative thinker, the glass is always half empty, so I need to start switching the way I think as it's obviously rubbing off on my son. What more of a reason do I have to change my ways eh?!

In fact, you have permission (not that you need it! lol) to kick my &ss whenever I'm sounding like a miserable cow and being all negative on you lot.

I initiate project OAK - Lilty, you are the chief - Official !!! Kicker.

Let's hope I don't need it...:eek:

Seriously though, thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you lovely people presently, I really don't.
:A

Levi-

It's sooo true the stuff that Lilt and PBS have pointed out about kids adaptability, especially at the age O is at.. look at LL for example.. a few months ago his life was so different, all different people were in his life, different routine, different house, heck, different country. Now it is almost as if he's always been with me and we've been doing "this".. and a lot of my anxiety has faded by seeing how well he has adjusted and just gone with the flow. Yes there are questions, yes there are bad days, yes there are moments when I don't have the right words or explanations but.. all in all.. he has blown my mind with his adaptability and what he has accepted. In comparison to O he also completely lost a lot as well and had to grieve.. not trying to make it a competition but just saying that to assure you that O will do so much better, and so much faster, than you think.. :heart2: :A

PS - the party is a SUPER DUPER idea.:j hey, if there's cake, O is: x

liltdiddylilt

PiggyBankShaker what a fabulous post. And a phenomenal way to delurk well done you. You've made me think a lot too. xx

Project OAK is live. You better jump on my happy clappy bandwagon now missy or there will be consequences :rotfl:

You'd be amazed at just what the power of positive thinking can do for you in terms of health and balance. When I started to try and make a bit of extra money, suddenly I was falling over people trying to throw cash at me. When I wanted to do some things to make life a bit more fun, suddenly it was as simple as mixing food colouring & glitter with flour, oil and water...

A lot of people on here sit at the end of the day and say the things they are grateful for. In the worst of days, I have written a ruddy great list as long as my arm, and immediately felt better. Because until that moment I hadn't thought, hey actually I had a really nice chat with my mum today, and Ellie was really good on the walk home from nursery, and my dinner was awesome.. You forget to be thankful for the simple things. Maybe you could try that? xx

MeandO

Wow Levi, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise how much LL's life had altered, I had no idea he lived abroad before. I know it isn't so, but now you both seem to have taken to your new lives with such ease and your routine is like a well-oiled machine, for which admiration is due in bucket loads.

I guess it's just fear of the unknown atm and the fact that our bizarre living situation has dragged on for over a year has taken its toll on all three of us. We were originally selling the house, and lost money on deposits for new ones after the sale fell through twice, after introducing O to two 'new' houses but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I was meant to stay in this house, depsite the financial implications!
Fate really does deal us hands we're not expecting sometimes doesn't it.

And yes, the boy loves his cake! I shall report back with the cake-choice after the party. My bets are on the batman one...

MeandO

food colouring & glitter with flour, oil and water...

^^^^^^^^

What is this wizardry of which you speak???

And the list is a great idea Lilty. I did start doing something similar a couple of months ago and it did help, I shall return to it when I'm feeling particularly rubbish methinks.

I think PBS has given a lot of people a lot to think about, thank you PBS, can we keep you?

xx

PiggyBankShaker

_liltdiddylilt wrote:

PiggyBankShaker what a fabulous post. And a phenomenal way to delurk well done you. You've made me think a lot too. xx

MeandO wrote: »

I think PBS has given a lot of people a lot to think about, thank you PBS, can we keep you?

xx

Gosh! *blush* Thanks. I'm sitting here with a HUGE grin. It feels really good to be able to offer something constructive as a result of experiences that were a real struggle for me. And I guess it goes to show that flowers grow out of dirt for a good reason.

I'd love to stick around, but I warn you I am high maintenance, I require a regular supply of tea and cakes or I get 'hangry'. :rotfl:

MeandO

Oh I can bake (blows her own trumpet here).

Most recent bake was peanut, chocolate & caramel flapjacks, was held to ransom to make more after previous week's offerings.

Brownies, various sponges and a cheeky cherry & white chocolate tart are specialities of mine, unfortunately O prefers shop-bought 'character' cakes, so I don't have the appreciate audience I once had...

pull up a chair

liltdiddylilt

That does it. I'm moving in. I'll bring Jellytot and leave Him. I'll pay my way. :rotfl: money issues solved

You could always make your own character cakes eh am about to use some of my bonus to order Jellytot her first ever proper birthday cake. Octonauts methinks. :rotfl: mummy likes Octonauts...

PiggyBankShaker

MeandO wrote: »

Oh I can bake (blows her own trumpet here).

Most recent bake was peanut, chocolate & caramel flapjacks, was held to ransom to make more after previous week's offerings.

Brownies, various sponges and a cheeky cherry & white chocolate tart are specialities of mine, unfortunately O prefers shop-bought 'character' cakes, so I don't have the appreciate audience I once had...

pull up a chair

Sounds delish! I'm with Lilty, when can we move in?