levi: la vida loca

Levi-

:mad: Just wrote a big post but I lost it.

Probably not worth writing it all out again - the usual boring waffle - so just a sum-up of the things I can remember I said - thanking you Edwink & Humming for your imput and reassurances on health (& the book/video tip!) and the bank account tips too, thanks Mrs Ale T - I think I will feel OK using the Barclay account step by step and gradually severing ties to Natwest - it will be cathartic to ditch Natwest when ditching this chapter of my life. And putting little bits in Barclays that I can watch grow will be motivating.

At the end of month I can downgrade my phone contract so hopefully can half my bill by going "sim only" and getting rid of stuff on the tariff I don't need. Keeping same handset.. I've had it 24 months but it's absolutely fine.

Feeling: tonight. Excessively worried about my heart (I know, I know). Convinced myself it's curtains and my son will be parent-less. Dreading work tomorrow because that guy I had the altercation with last week will be in and I haven't seen him since. Thankfully I'm out and about a fair bit tomorrow. LL is picking up on my mood and is acting up a fair bit, being stubborn, he won't wear his coat at all now as he says it digs in to his wrists, so tomorrow morning and leaving home while its still frosty out will be enjoyable and his school are likely to wonder why I am sending him in without a coat.

Can't let the get me again though! Been having a good spell and don't want to lose it.
:heart2: speak soon...xx

elsien

Levi- wrote: »

LL is picking up on my mood and is acting up a fair bit, being stubborn, he won't wear his coat at all now as he says it digs in to his wrists, so tomorrow morning and leaving home while its still frosty out will be enjoyable and his school are likely to wonder why I am sending him in without a coat.

Don't worry, they'll be used to it. Mother used to run a nursery and there was more than one parent who'd sling a child in through the door still in jimjams closely followed by clothing for the nursery to dress them, because child was having a moment and parent was stressed and late for work. And no-one batted an eyelid. It happens. It'll pass.
If I remember rightly plonker at work had already realised he was out of order and had apologised, so it should be him dreading facing you, not the other way round.
And if the doctor was that worried about your heart, you'd have been in A&E having tests several hours ago.
Hope you start to feel better soon.

stepuptothepl8

Did the Dr suggest anything for your anxiety? It's bound to add to your stress levels, being told you've got to have an ECG but it is just precautionary - if she thought it was urgent she'd have sent you on the day. To try and make the a bit more look at your sig!! And reflect on the changes you have made over the past couple of months - you are doing AMAZINGLY BRILLIANTLY WELL!! Hugs x

Levi-

Thanks Eisen & StepUp
Eisen, I'm sure it must be quite normal now you come to mention it. I just don't want them to think I am a negligent father.. maybe I can take it in and tell the teacher he won't wear it but maybe if *they* ask him to wear if he goes outside, he will.
Stepup - she asked how often I'm using the diazepam and I said quite infrequently because I have be warned about the risks of dependency - I use it only in the most extreme anxiety cases and if worry is keeping me awake sometimes. I haven't used it much lately despite the new level of symptoms with the palpitations and adrenaline surges. I still have some of it left so didn't need a new prescription and she said she wanted to wait until after my results until she would suggest something else which may be a beta blocker or such.

stepuptothepl8

OK, I respect that you don't want to take them unless you really have to. Have you downloaded the Headspace app? It's better than you think Even if you don't like that one, there are lots of other ones that you might gel with better. Or you could try Lilty's 'if I was a millionaire building a house room by room game'!

Levi-

I haven't yet but I'll have a look later. Luca has managed to consume my phone memory with his games so it keeps telling me I have no space.. I can delete some stuff though to free some up.

I tried meditating a few times in the past and get so distracted by my thoughts. Even the 'room by room' planning stuff which is such a great idea, I'd just end up thinking about somehow managing to burning the house down or losing my lottery win in a Nigerian scam. :undecided

stepuptothepl8

that make me proper lol

I think the most important thing I learnt from the Headspace app is that you can have thoughts while you meditate, but that you observe them, without following them.. like you are sat at the side of the road, watching cars going past, without jumping in your car and following them. I still find it hard to do sometimes, but I always feel better for having tried it, even if just for 5 minutes. My head is busy All The Time, I have a tendency to overthink things, but it does help.

take care x

satchmo1

Levi, it's ok for your mind to wander during meditation - just do a mental note to self: mind wandered, then return to following the guided meditation. I often fall asleep for a while, and again that's ok.

Levi-

Thank you StepUp, for your continuous support and awesomeness :heart2: means a lot to me..xx (and everyone else who puts up with me on here too, you are all saints).x

elsien

I tried a guided meditation a while back. I spend the whole time trying to work out how long I'd got left till the alarm went off, noticing every itch and twitch, and wondering what the heck the dog was up to while I was upstairs. Then when I checked, I'd not set the alarm in the first place. I feel a certain degree of mental discipline is needed, which I don't actually seem to have. There's a difference between the mind wandering slightly, and going completely awol. :rotfl: