Advice about younger brother

BigAunty

jaylee3 wrote: »

Someone put a post on here the other week, about someone she knew who could not, would not and did not do a THING for herself, not even change a lightbulb, and managed to convince others to continually do every last thing for her. She literally had people running around in circles, waiting on her hand and foot, like she was Royalty. Turned out there was nothing wrong with her, but she had some pretty convincing sob stories, and eventually became incredibly dependant on people.

Yeah, that was me who posted that. She is former friend who was spoiled by her family and friends perhaps due to a non-chronic (and non-mental health) condition from childhood.

She actively seeks out people to support her in every possible way. She actively resists taking on any kind of responsibility, at work or at home.

She shunned reciprocity - taking but not giving, rarely accepting a favour that gets asked and sabotaging the few that she grudgingly accepts.

I think there is a 'learned helplessness' element but also perhaps an unconscious manipulative element to it - she may be under confident but scarily, I think she simply learned a pattern that if she was passive, other people would pick up the slack and if she flattered, they would bend over backwards.

She is selfish, lazy and spongeing. She is adamant that she deserves the extra support she gets - that's what friends are for - while conveying the impression that she can't cope so can't be expected to contribute anything back.

She wouldn't hesitate to get a friend or relative around to sit in all day (and hopefully pay the workman's fee or do the repairs themselves) but won't do the slightest task for anyone else.

BigAunty

jaylee3 wrote: »

"I am not belittling genuine anxiety issues at all: but you have to try and differentiate between people who are genuinely mentally ill, and people who have just become very dependant on people, and are using their 'condition' as a crutch, to enable them to have someone do everything for them. Some people will let you do everything for them, forevermore, if you allow them to.

Question is OP, is which category does your brother fall into?

That's a very good observation, and one that tallies with an earlier observation that the OP has to determine whether it is personality/character that is causing their selfishness or that they merely appear selfish because of the impact of their illness.

I agree with the previous points made - anxiety can definately be crippling and/or those that are coddled can become selfish. And, less popularly, there are those that prefer to cling to their ailments for one reason or another, anything from prefering the familiarity of the suffering due to the fear of change, or because it's how they primarily identify themselves.

I have an interest in things like mediation and mindfulness, the secular side of Buddhism. This led me to start reading about Eastern or Buddist approaches to therapy and attitudes to mental illness. Whereas western psychological models tend to operate on the basis of 'let's fix the anxiety/depression, boost self esteem and when the person is healed, they can then resume normal activities', some of the Eastern models feel that it just encourages the obsession with the self. This website explains it much better than I can.

http://buddhistpsychology.typepad.com/buddhist_psychology/counselling-and-psychotherapy-training-programmes.html

There is a book and counselling style called 'Constructive Living' that sounds fascinating. It is inspired by Japanese therapy. The premise is that a person suffering from anxiety, for example, acknowledges how they feel but then should aspire to do everyday activities, despite this. It's never going to be as seductive a message as the western one so it's not surprising that it's message has not caught on.

"The first priority of Constructive Living is to help people get on with sensitively and sensibly fixing what can be fixed in their lives. The more you involve yourself in living fully, the less attention you have to focus on and complain about your discomfort.

Denial, a long-term focus on feelings, and obsessing on the unfairness of it all simply work to make more misery....

You have been taught that you need more self- esteem, more confidence, less anxiety, fewer doubts, a positive attitude, a more comfortable approach to life, and so forth. Frankly, you don't. After you start doing the things you need to do in life these feeling concerns will cease to be so important to you....

It's a good thing we don't need to fix our feelings to get on with life because no one has any idea how to fix feelings. The best method for gaining self esteem and self confidence is to do something and succeed at it, and even that doesn't work all the time.

I am afraid to fly (as the story goes, it's not that I'm afraid to fly, I'm really afraid to crash). Yet I fly all the time--to Japan each spring and fall, around the U.S. lecturing. Twenty-five times around the world in all, or thereabouts, in the past thirty years. Trembling, sweating, uncomfortable, I fly. When people tell you they don't fly because they are afraid of flying, you need not believe them. They don't fly because they don't buy airline tickets.

If you are working on your feelings in psychotherapy you are wasting your time in a most expensive manner. Read the story above once again. Get off the couch and climb your mountains. Scared to death or not, climb."

The principles of the therapy include the individual taking primary responsibility for their health, to try and fulfill daily goals, to serve other people as much as possible, to avoid becoming a "sick person" even though we have an illness.

That's quite harsh an outlook by our current western standards because we are encouraged to see ourselves as vulnerable and needing other people to help us pull through. Papers on this philosophy/therapy here.

http://constructiveliving2.weebly.com/paperslectures.html

bouicca21

Aspiring to do everyday activities seems like good therapy to me. One of the problems of suffering from anxiety is that it can be all too easy to adopt avoidance behaviours, and continual avoidance just exacerbates the anxiety. Forcing oneself to tackle a target, however small, can be immensely beneficial.

flossie217

OP. I have been unable to work due to significant anxiety so I hope I can give an opinion from both sides. Don't let your brothers refusal harm your relationship. At this time he is unable to help you. Whether that be from his illness or by choice that is his decision. You don't have to like it but you do have to accept it. Anxiety can make someone appear to be very selfish. I don't know your brother but I do know mental health problems extremely well. The majority of those with anxiety that I speak to (and I speak to many over the course of a week.) would not be able to stay in their siblings home and wait for an engineers visit. Very many cannot do so in their own home and ask for a family member to be with them. Indeed I know many who do not consider themselves anxiety sufferers to be unable to wait in and be home for something like a boiler service or repair.
I may be completely wrong and your brother is being selfish but I suspect you may have unknowingly asked him to do the very things that give him the biggest challenges and he genuinely cannot help you.
You are not responsible for your brother. You are not responsible for his welfare, his health or happiness. You are your own person as he is his. I can understand your parents wanting you to help your brother but you need to go off and be and do all the things you want without him or them. Your brother also needs to do the same. For someone with a mental health problem this can difficult and will need a lot of support especially from family. It is natural for parents to want to protect their child and is easy for them to overdo it. Let your brother know that if there is something he would like to do or go then if you are able you will be happy to be there for him. Do something together now and again as friends because you want to not because you've been told to. Support him and look out for him is the best any of us can do for each other but remember that you also need to have your own life and it is OK for all of us to say no sometimes.

pendragon_arther

The solution is quite simple really. I look at life now from this perspective, that there are givers and takers. I have always been a 'giver' and given much of my time to helping people with mental health problems but no longer want to do that out of choice. Mental health, although seemingly complex is not so much when all things are considered. I have drawn the conclusion after years of treating paranoid schizophrenics, OCDs and depressives is it usually boils down to a lack of responsibility and in some cases pure laziness. It's a lot easier in life to have everyone else running about for you. My only remaining relative is an older brother who has always been more of a taker than a giver so I now have taken the decision that I don't want to be his giver any more. And I don't miss him in the slightest.